A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, need some help with an overbearing mother in law. I had a baby around 6 months ago and from the very moment she has been round our place every other day. Since hitting the 4 months mark I started taking my LO to baby classes and being more active which she now hates. Her and my FIL have been telling my hubby I'm stopping them from spending time with their grandchild and it is causing rows between my husband and I. I have explained that they are welcome any time as long as they call in advance so I can update them with our activities for that day. RECENTLY my MIL insists that every week we go there for dinner. It's truly exhausting and not good for my son's routines. His nap times end up in a car seat and I hate it. How do I tell her this isn't working anymore. My hubby won't say anything. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2022): Your husband needs to step up. But if he doesn't then you have little choice but to tell them yourself that you are unavailable to go round there. You could suggest that your husband takes the baby on his own and you can then have a nice day to yourself. They should let you know if they are coming round
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2022): In the school of hard-knocks, you'll take a beating; until you grow a backbone and standup for yourself. When you see you have a mate who knuckles-under to his mommy; then you must take a stance on your own. You're a lioness protecting her lair; and if his mum and dad don't get it, they will in-time.
They are basically taking first-dibs at imposing their family influence and heritage over the child. Sometimes people do this in an attempt to lessen the influence of other traditions, religions, or cultures. It's sometimes meant to undermine the acknowledgement of another heritage or nationality within a marriage. Say you're Irish, and He's Scottish or British. They may want their family-heritage to be recognized and to dominate. You're English, and He's of Indian decent. They may push their family-traditions as the one to be most recognized. In my family, it was the Greek versus Indigenous Native American. My Native American mom set everybody straight! She had my dad's support, but she had to let them all know she had guts and was equal in command. It all calmed down, and peace took root. Pride reigns on all sides!
None of this is done maliciously; it's done out of love and family pride. You just have to make sure everyone gets their proper share of respect; and that all traditions are appreciated and respected. Let them see their grandson as much as they like, but only when it is convenient to your schedule and plans. Running to your husband does not rule you out! It places you in the position to let them know that you are aware of what they did; and you should insist they respect you as his wife...and to remind them that the baby is also YOUR son!
Infants need their sleep, peace & quiet, and scheduled uninterrupted-feedings. It's not like your MIL & FIL don't know this. If people are going to force you to do things, they place you on the defensive. What choice do you have but to pushback when pushed too far??? You and your husband are in your son's critical bonding-stage; so you need your time alone together with the baby to tighten the family ties.
If you were in your 20's, I could see where you'd be more intimidated by in-laws; because younger people don't have experience, and feel they must yield to the pressures inflicted by their elders. Of course, this is often based on culture and tradition; because some cultural-traditions dictate that the grandparents are the family-hierarchy; and have as much say over the rearing of the children and household decisions as the parents. Try pushing that one in the US!!! That's a cause for divorce!
I know we often suggest talking to your spouse, but what do you do when the spouse doesn't want to back you up? You still have to talk to your spouse; but if they're not going to support you, set ultimatums. You will make your own decisions, and enforce them as you see fit; if you don't get the spousal-support you expect from him. You will leave it up to him, and him only, to deal with his parents. You will not automatically comply under duress; because they complain to him. Don't get it twisted, under the false-belief that means you have to kiss their bums; because he won't stand-up to them. You've got parents too! What if they decide to bulldoze their way into your lives? What's he going to expect you to do???
Where are your parents in this picture? Why are his so available, invasive, and overinvolved? Why didn't you mention your own parents in your post? Do they live in another country? Are you estranged to your own parents? I trust they just respect your space, unlike the other in-laws? This ads more perspective to your post, knowing how they compare or differ.
If your folks are out of the picture, maybe your in-laws perceive that to mean your family is dysfunctional, hands-offish, or distant; and that gives them an excuse to "overcompensate." Maybe they are trying to monopolize baby-time away from your parents. If your parents are local, best you make them compete for time; or those people will always be sitting-up in your house, and running the show. You, of course, will set the schedule for visits; and if you must say no, or cancel...DO WHAT YOU'VE GOT TO DO! Stop wimping-out, and then complaining. "NO" is a two-letter word, and it hasn't gone out of style! It's not the favorite of all words, but it is definitely necessary; if you want to remain sane and have a life!!!
When husbands or wives don't support you; you have to work together to rebuild a channel of communication. You have to remind them that once you are adults and running your own lives, a husband and a wife are one. Our parents deserve their proper respect and attention; but your household and family are yours to run as you see fit. Your home is your domain, and parents don't barge-in on your family any-old time they feel like it. If he won't ask them to call first; then you should politely ask them to. If they show-up unannounced, hubby's not home, and no-one answers the door...oh-well!!!
I do not advocate being mean or disrespectful towards his parents. They are your reliable and trusted baby-sitting alliance. They are members of your family-support team; and they are the source of part of the DNA passed-on to your son. They are lovingly fussy, but there must be boundaries set. You should always use diplomacy, reasonable tenderness, and respect when dealing with family-issues and in-laws; but you can also stand your ground, and be a lioness when the situation calls for it. We must develop tools for survival, or succumb to weakness; or others more aggressive will prevail over our lives. We'll feel we have no control over our own homes or decisions. Your marriage will not survive such conditions.
When your husband is a mama's-boy, a wife is sometimes forced to assume the duel-role of both husband and wife; because his bossy-mother will try to dominate your lives; and keep you at odds with each-other. He's not married to her, he's married to YOU!!! MIL's are notorious characters in jokes and songs; and sometimes they more than earn the unflattering reputation of being a pain in the bum. You are in your 30's, which gives you more experience than a new bride and mom in her 20's. You've got a little life-experience under your belt; so use it. Fear of being disliked by your in-laws, or being ostracized by the husband's family is often why we get these kinds of posts.
You are a wife and mother first. You have to earn your respect; or demand it, when it is refused. To be loved by your in-laws is the ideal situation, or may be your primary objective; but you have to see things for what they are. Love shouldn't be negotiated for, like in a business deal; and you shouldn't need to bribe anyone for it. If people refuse to give it, they give you the right to overrule their feelings; and do whatever you must for your own good and wellbeing.
There will be times when you will upset or piss-off your in-laws. They still need to know your boundaries. The threshold at your doorstep to your home is beyond their jurisdiction. You call the shots under your own roof. You don't take company when it is inconvenient, but you'll respect their concerns; as long as they realize you are the mother, his wife, and the queen of your castle. It's their grandkid; but you're the lioness, and it's your cub. If daddy is mush in his mommy's hands, then you have to be the bad-guy with a backbone; when it's time to put things back into reasonable order and perspective. You must maintain peace and order in your home; while you also respect their rules when you are in their home.
People will walk all over you if you let them. You can only take so much; and then you have to put your foot down. Expect the pushback and the backlash; but stand your ground. Stand firm! They'll learn your boundaries, and they will respect them. If they dislike you for looking out for your family, and taking charge as the queen of your domain; they probably never liked you anyway, and won't like you no matter what you do. You may as well stand-up for yourself. Tell hubby you're leaving dealing with his parents entirely up to him; but if you feel it's not a good-time for a visit, you're going to tell them so. Even if they show-up unannounced. If he argues with you, tell him that you're willing to go to marriage-counseling; if this is a marital-issue you can't workout together. This is your first, and the novelty will wear-off. Eventually the visits will slack-off too.
Be careful not to burn any bridges, because you will need them someday. That doesn't require kissing bums!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 February 2022):
 You don't have a MIL issue, you have a husband issue.
He is a mommy's boy?
Sit your husband down, set your boundaries CLEARLY.
Calling or being invited BEFORE showing up is normal and totally OK to expect.
Then if they can do that maybe YOU can compromise with the dinner thing. Perhaps do it bi-weekly so every OTHER Sunday (or whichever day works).
Your husband needs to stand UP for you. You shouldn't be the one telling his mom off - HE should set boundaries you BOTH can agree on WITH his mom.
Your son will be fine whether he naps in the car or in his bed.
Perhaps it's a thing to consider moving a little further away at some point?
Keep talking the LO to mom & me classes. Once spring starts TAKE LO for walks or get a running stroller and get some exercise with LO in the stroller.
If your husband can't support you and be on your side, your marriage will fail. He needs to step up. And you need to find ways to communicate better and perhaps compromise.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (2 February 2022):
 I think that the fact that your father and mother in law went to your husband telling him that you are stopping them spending time with their grandchild is absurd, almost like stirring the pot to a certain extent because its simply not true.
I think that you telling them they are welcome anytime, as long as they call in advance is fair enough.
I think that your husband needs to step up to the plate a bit and have a say as to when you both see his parents. I feel if you both worked together and came up with a plan that suits everyone. If the current situation is causing rows between you and your husband, then this is not good for any of you.
Communication is key here, your husband needs to step up and say something. Of course his parents want to see their grandchild, that's perfectly normal But it just needs to be said that the current arrangements are not working and is causing stress, this needs to come from your husband.
...............................
|
