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female
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anonymous
writes: please give me tips/advice that i could give my husband so that he will start talking to me. we've been together for 19 years and he's just always been so not concerned about me yet when i ask for divorce, he would not agree.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): schlottjl has suggested ways to prod your husband into communicating with you. Sorry, but these suggestions all sound like mind games, manipulation, and control. I would hate to be in a relationship that is based on control.
Communication is the key. While this "run/chase" strategy might work to establish a line of communication, it might also fail miserably. If the strategy fails, you ultimately may have to leave your husband to get through to him. I don't envy your choices.
Regardless of the outcome of the mind games you haven't really discovered the answer to the root question: What is the foundation on which your marriage is based? This is sometimes a hard question to answer, and if your marriage is in trouble, the answers you discover may be unsatisfying or even unsettling. There is no "right" answer except the one that comes from listening to your instincts. The answer is there within you to be discovered. Don't be afraid of it - the truth of the answer will actually set you free.
I wish you the best of luck in finding your way.
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (2 May 2006):
 My advice is to live as if he is not there. There is a strange push/pull or run/chase quality in some relationships. That is when you need him to notice or appreciate you (or you need anything else at all from him) and he simple will not care and will not give you an inch. If he is real bad, he will basically do the opposite of what you need from him and you will feel totally alone. If he is slightly this way, he is just thick in the head and can’t be blamed!
Forget for now divorce and take it one day at a time by doing an experiment. No matter what, try to add, "you time" to your day and add it when he gets home or will likely be around. Try to at least act totally absorbed into a new hobby. If you have to, take a walk or drive when he thinks you will be home and try not to see or talk to him for at least an hour when you meet up again.
The important thing to remember is to act as if you are as happy as can be and are just enriching your world since he is not participating. If you are in a classic run/chase relationship, he will start to pursue you . . . eventually. With in the month he will be at least a lot nicer.
If he does not change with in two months, seek emotional support from a counselor or from clergy. Try not to even let divorce come into your mind for at least 6 weeks to give your emotions a rest.
You will either no longer need him when the experiment is through, or you will have his attention and a better feeling inside to boot.
Good luck!
PS I live with a loner who has been working on the car now immediately after work till midnight 7 days a week for about 6 months now. I get no feed back about what I say to him and he offers little to nothing. Still, I followed the above and we came to a quiet agreement. I am happy and busy (just as he always was,) I go to girlfriends for emotional support (because men suck at that anyway (if I find/ found them attractive . . .ever. But the best part is how he gives me all that he can. Not everything I need (no one person can). He does show his love to me though and let me tell you after giving up years ago on our sex life; it is sooooooooo much better than I ever remember it PERIOD!!! And with that, I can live happily. Accept improvement no matter how small for now and expect it will not be what you hoped for with anyone. But that is okay, you have you and you will be there for you.
When you change he might just want to be with you more. Sometimes we don't see the effect our despair can have on our partner. They created it- sure, but we want the change so we have to make the moves to improve things.
A study of something like 1000 couples who stayed when they really wanted a divorce showed that with in about 5 years almost all (95% or so) were very happey they tried harder and stayed. There is hope!
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