A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello, im 27 and have been married for 1 yr now .. i ve known my husband for 6 yrs before we got married .. since 6 months he hardly wants to have sex with me ... he usually complains of being too tired .. but when i check his browsing history ( which i know i should not )he always visit porn sites almost everyday... we have sex like 2 times a month at the max and that too after me begging for it literally .. is this normal behaviour ? what pushed me over the edge this time was .. i have been feeling extremely down and depressed over some work related issues over the last 2 days .. he comes from work and just goes about doing his work .. i asked him if he would talk to me since i was feeling down .. he said ok and never did .. so the next day i got angry and asked him why he did not and then he picked up a fight .. the fight ended with us not talking and i went to sleep .. i got up in the middle of the night and was browsing and came to know he had been browsing porn sites even today when we had such a big fight .. what am i to infer from all this ? how should i handle this situation ? please help me ... i want to make my relationship work ..p.s on a regular day when im in a good mood and he too is in a good mood except for the lack of sex and the porn watching i have no cribs .. its only when i need his emotional support i feel let down
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 February 2010):
 Can we separate the two issues, we'll put porn to one side and deal with that later. Right now we'll deal with emotional intimacy and support, cause as you say, that is a big issue for you.
Since I've been on this site, I've been concerned with the number of women who are with men who won't have sex. I don't really understand it, but I can only try to guess and suggest things that might help.
Now you say you've been feeling stressed because of work, and you don't feel your partner supports you. I've been through that, in my experience, men leave work when they come home, they don't like it to interfere with their homelife. Women on the other hand want to talk, want someone to listen, understand and give them feedback. Two different ways of dealing with work stress. The more you get upset about work, the more he pulls away and shuts off. It's not that he doesn't care, but he wants his home to be a sanctuary, somewhere peaceful, a paradise away from the world. He can't cope with your work problems because they will remind him of his own. It's better in this situation to find someone else to talk to, a girlfriend, a sister, a mother or even a work colleague. Somebody who is on your level, someone who can understand what you are going through. It's hard for a husband to be everything, we expect them to be friends, lovers, and yet they still got to cope and be strong. Stop the arguments, turn to someone else about work issues.
Now the porn and the sex... You and him argue, your not getting in. It is difficult for him to switch from unsympathetic unkind man to prince charming lover. It is also difficult for him to switch from seeing you as crying upset wife, to sex tiger. I'm not saying that he will suddenly give up porn and never look at it again, but with a few changes, he might prefer to be close to you instead.
I want you to spend two weeks being the perfect wife, and making your home into a honeymoon suite. No more talks about work, instead nice dinners, long Sundays in bed, baths together, ice-cream in the car, whatever you can think off that sounds romantic and fun. I want you and him to be like teenagers again, having fun, instead of arguing and worrying about work and bills. Leave out the bedroom and sex issues, don't try to rush him, instead I want you to seduce him. Try to look pretty more often. Kiss and cuddle him and say nice words, try to make him happy and make him smile.
In life, we get so busy with work, money and problems, we forget what it's like to be happy and free. Porn and the lack may be only a symptom of a man who is overwhelmed with problems and no longer has the energy to do the romance thing. Well, there is no reason you can't try to spark up the relationship yourself... Treat him the way you would like to be treated, make him smile and be happy to be at home. Hopefully this will make you two closer and the sex business will be solved and the porn will go.
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