A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How can someone I hardly knew from 20 ago capture my heart again? But I'm married with a child. 20 years ago (I was 18) I met the most beautiful girl I had ever seen at a carnival. We swapped numbers and met up a couple of times and for the next year I spent trying to get her to be my girlfriend but I was so shy and she never seemed to be that interested. These were before the days of mobile phones so I waited forever for her to return the calls I made as 9/10 times she was never at home. I gave up. But it took a long time to get over her. About 5 years in fact. I would say she was my first love and she haunted me. When the internet and Facebook came in i searched for her name several times to no avail. And even the day before I got married 15 years later I tried to find her. Then I finally gave up. Two weeks ago, she contacted me on LinkedIn. I couldn't believe it. We've been texting and talking non-stop for hours everyday and it's like it hasn't been 20 years. I never really got to know her and in my head I had dreamed up this intelligent, funny person with an amazing personality. She has that and more. She told me she tried to find me over the years too and that we had met at a difficult time in her life. I met up with her for dinner and I was 18 again. She is even more beautiful and charming than I remember. BUT I am married with a son. This lost love is not only all I imagined but has integrity too. She told me off when she realised I was lying to my wife about meeting with her and she wasn't sure that she could see me again because it was already clear I'm emotionally cheating on my wife. I didn't want to go home when I saw her. I wanted to sit up all night and hear her talk. I don't know why I feel like this. I'm totally confused. The thought of finding her after all these years and to lose her again is breaking my heart. My marriage is like any after 10 years of being together. I love my wife and son and have no intention of hurting them but I don't understand how after 20 years she can have this affect on me. I'm constantly checking my phone to see if she texted or called. I got a little jealous when she said she was on a lunch date. I want her (not sexually) but just to be with her. I'm so confused. HELP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): 'I didn't want to go home when I saw her. I wanted to sit up all night and hear her talk.'My advice is to show your wife this message.Honestly, it will be the best thing for you if you get this off your chest and if she truly sees the man she married. In her shoes, I would not want to be with you. Even if nothing came of this new emotional affair of yours. I would not want to stay married to you. It wouldn't be fair for me. It wouldn't be fair for you.If you REALLY feel in your heart that the woman you last saw / had any proper relationship 18 years ago is MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE WOMAN WITH WHOM YOU'VE SHARED YOUR HOPES,DREAMS, TRIALS and TRIUMPHS, then your wife is better off without you.You either lack maturity / self discipline / live in the clouds or you made a huge mistake marrying your wife.If you love her as you say, then man up to the choice YOU made to commit to her and LOVE HER and be LOYAL to her.If you don't love her then you are a rare breed of selfish and your new love will figure this out at some point and dump you. Then you'll have lost the fantasy woman and the real woman and your family.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): It happened to me. I was a long lost love of my uni classmate who has been in love with me for years. He got sick for several months when I said no to him 15 years ago. He found me 2 years ago through linkedin! We live in different countries now. I already had some problems in my marriage nothing major but just being unhappy and negleted for few years. Talking and seeking my husband attention never got anywhere because in ages he could not imagin I may leave. So he came in to my life from thousands of miles away and you know the rest. He is still madly in love and have done everything to be with me . It wasn't a plan at first but one day I learned he just divorced his wife to be with me! I wasn't sure about the divorce just because of my child but drawn to it anyway. He is 100% I am not.Now both divorce and I don't have a peace of mind. I just can't. I have gone through a lot. I have seen lots of tears which I am just broken. I have nothing left to offer him. Life is meaningless for me now. PLEASE if you love your wife ,even do not entertain this tought.It will go out of control ,just stop it right now.I didn't love my ex husband who is still waiting for me to come back. I live alone with my kid . I do regret eventhogh this guy has done beyond anyone's imagination to be with me. I know my ex husban's love doesnt even come close to how much this guy loves me, but I shouldn't have gone this way. This is not me. At the end of the day I know I have caused lots of pain to many people, and I am not happy. So what was the point? Please please think twice before you act on it.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Been there/ done that..... there's only the remotest chance that what YOU think there "is" really "is."...
Cool it for six months. IF you and she think that you (and she) should meet (and try to ressurrect things)..... then try it then.. and - who knows - maybe things will go OK... But NOT right now...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): At this point in your life it can be amazing to have that fire and spark back in your life and the old flame reignited, but you certainly do not know this woman, at all. She has probably been though 20 years of "life" in all sorts of ways and she likely has her baggage, too, that you may or may not eventually be privvy to, but you are married and have a son and really don't need to give that up for a pipe dream and a woman on a high pedestal.
You're experiencing those first date flutters getting to know her again and it is exciting but wouldn't you rather keep the mystery and a friendship with someone you like spending time with rather than push for something that just didn't work out the first time and is likely to fail again, especially with the marriage and child involved!
I would not necessarily cut your ties with her, but make it very clear that all you are going to be is friends and if you can't bring yourself to hanve a plutonic relationship with this woman then you have to let her go.
I thin we all have that 1 lost love and it is so terribly difficult when they come back for any time. I have been there.
I would consider talking to your wife at this point, too, because you have to have a touch of reality and honesty here to perhaps give you some perspective AND, I do agree, your wife deserves better - and so does this other woman!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 March 2015):
 I would agree with Janniepeg, though my wording wouldn't be "suppress their desires", but "discipline our own thoughts and desires".
You say that you don't want to hurt your family? You already have. You've already lied to your wife, and now are lying to her every single day you keep this other woman in your life.
You are trying to escape your life and into a fantasy. Let's say for a second you decide to leave your wife and pursue this woman. The divorce will be messy and your child will be devastated.
Then say you got with this other woman, and all of your dreams come true with her. You become serious with her. You marry her, she gets pregnant and you have a kid. Eventually, all of those butterfly feelings fade, and you'll find that your relationship with this shiny lost love becomes another day-to-day life and responsibility.
You don't really know this other woman. You have the 20-year old fantasy you put on a pedestal that you used to dream about whenever life stressed you out. You'll find that having isn't the same as wanting.
In the meantime, your wife and child deserve better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): She seems strong enough to have rejected you, even at 18, when you popped into her life at her wrong time seeking after her. Now that she has popped into your life, seeking you at the wrong time, are you such a weak man, unable to resist her when she clearly rejected you back then?
You should have never accepted her invite in the first place, but since the damage is done you need to understand that your blown up infatuation of her isn't real, and it isn't real because there is no match here. Love requires reciprocation and she never did. Sure that you may fantasize over her, masturbate on thoughts of her, but she is just that: a fantasy that has no concrete actionable reality.
You are a grown man, a strong man with kids and a wife. Your responsibilities are where you have planted your seed and that seed is not with a woman that rejected you when you wanted her. Remember that your love is meaningless unless the other party loves you back and the only place that such thing is happening is inside your household, with your wife and your son. Are you so unreasonable to risk dumping your wife's love just so you can be another rejected notch on a girl that saw you as a howling dog spitting in the wind back then?!
Then just look at her after all these years: you have a wife that loves you and a child you both cherish ... and what has she got? A computer to seek out, after all those years, her teenage discards, men she deemed useless... but perhaps, when all else fails, that's the only place she could find some love, by the man who already has it.
You did not have an emotional affair with her when you just met her but ever since she dumped you and you need to put an end to your partial, and now possibly total emotional absence from your wife. Could you imagine yourself if you are to discover that all these years your wife was lusting over another man every second you kissed her, that she imaged another man on her with every stroke that you thought you made love with her? You'd be devastated or worse.
Find the way to cleanse your emotions of this woman because there is nothing there. Find the way to be complete with your wife and devote your emotion completely to her.
Is there something lacking in your marriage? Sure but one thing that's for sure is that your marriage is not lacking a woman that dumped you all those years ago. Whatever your marriage is lacking is found inside the soul of you and your wife. Drop that woman and, like any strong man would do, find the solution. Don't embarrass yourself in your own eyes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): You are no longer an 18 year-old adolescent. You're a 38 year-old married-man with a son. You fixated long ago on a girl that was part of your transition and cross-over into manhood; and that is usually the person who leaves the biggest impression on our memory and feelings; only because we've recognized real and intense romantic-feelings for the very first time. It is a phase in our psychological-development.
Most of these emotions you have of her grew out of idolization and fantasy. You placed her up on a pedestal and worshiped her like she was a goddess. The perfect girl of your dreams, the imaginary love of your life; a magic princess.
The reality is, you should have outgrown those feelings when you decided to take on a wife and start a family. You're human, and feelings sometimes can't be controlled. Behavior can!!! I had a committed relationship for nearly 30 years! He passed away. Believe me, temptation and challenges to our fidelity came constantly; but we had to use logic, decency, and willpower to overcome those obstacles. We put our love first. That was really hard sometimes. I'm a man, I get tempted like anybody else. I also know that we can control our urges and impulses when we want to. People claiming they have no control over their urges and behavior to cheat, are full of bullsh*t. Either that, or they're mentally-ill. In either case, they should think long and hard before dragging someone else into marriage.
You made vows, you have a family who loves and needs you. You've accepted adult-responsibilities above and far beyond those of an 18 year-old boy with an infatuation for his fantasy-girl. Searching for her became a hobby and an obsession. You should have quit the day you became engaged. You took vows in matrimony, dear sir. Those aren't vague promises made while you crossed your fingers behind your back. "I'll love, honor, and cherish you; and forsake all others, until I find her."
That chapter of your life closed 20 years ago, and you've started a new one with someone who has devoted five years plus to being your wife, and the mother of your son. Don't declare how much you love them, then turn in betrayal. That is evidence of how little you do. You contradict your words by your present behavior.
You're chasing an old dream and fantasy. You're all grown-up now. The challenge to make her your girlfriend failed; because it was never meant to be. Say goodbye to the past! You got to sit with her and reminisce on your youthful days. After lying to your wife! Lying is how it starts. A nasty divorce is how it ends! Bear this in mind. Don't tell me it's not about sex, I'm a guy. I don't buy it. You never would have lied to be with her; if you weren't totally into it, mentally and physically. You put a lot on the line. If your wife sees the credit-card bill; and notices the date and place on it, you're totally busted.
Please don't take the tone of my post in the wrong way. I really do understand how it is. You're a loving and sentimental kind of guy. That was tainted by lying to your wife to be with someone else. You've already introduced an element of cheating into your marriage. You start with the lying, then the mind rationalizes away how wrong that is. Then you'll take it to the next level. You lied to the lady by omission. Had she known you had a wife, she never would have met-up with you. That's three people betrayed!
You are an adult, and know what self-control and restraint is. That's what you practice when you commit to someone, and tell them that you love them. If you no longer have the ability to love and honor the one you've married; you file for divorce, and end it. So she will have the same option to search-out someone else to replace you, and get on with her life.
Yes, my dear sir, I'm lecturing you. It's tough-love. You have a good life and a marriage to devote your time and attention to. This is an intervention. You sound like a good man, don't tarnish that over a past fantasy. The lady has moved on, now so should you. The feelings will fade when you decide to allow them to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): I do believe what janniepeg says, that when we marry or choose to be in a committed relationship long term, we suppress a lot of desire; this is necessary in order to be a stable partner who can get through the practicalities and hum-drum of a relationship, as well as enjoy the highs and ride out the lows.But I differ from what janniepeg says in another way. And I've read your post carefully too. You say you never really knew this woman and, so, many readers will probably just say she was a fantasy to you and will dismiss your problem as being that of a man with a stale (if loving) marriage, who now has to confront the problem of his fantasy coming to life, unexpectedly.Thing is, as dangerous as it is for me to say so, I don't quite agree with that interpretation of your situation. I think because you say you tried to find her the day before you got married, something about this makes a difference to me. Marriage means, for a lot of people, not choosing to be who they would ideally love to be with, but means settling for someone that they may still love, but in a different way. It means you settle for something still lovely, but workable, because what you really wanted is, for whatever reason, impossible. Either the other party doesn't want you in return, or the timing is all wrong for either one of you, or you simply don't have the guts or stamina or confidence to really go for what you want with that person. I think this is what you did. You settled, and you've been a good husband.And now, you are not so much confronted with your fantasy who has come alive, but you have met with a woman that you instinctively were drawn to and who seems to proved your instincts to be right; you like her, she seems virtuous and moral and this makes you want her more. Without you knowing her further, neither you nor we can know if this really is the case; some people are experts at seeming exemplary in terms of morality and very skilled in indirectly making others feel jealous; to be cynical for a moment, she may have told you off about misleading your wife purely to seem innocent herself. And she may have mentioned another date to deliberately make you jealous. On the other hand, she may simply have been exerting healthy boundaries - at this stage, we just don't know.But even if she is not so much a fantasy come alive, but a woman you are now getting to know after being drawn to at an early time in life, the reality for you is pretty much the same. If you were to be totally transparent, you'd tell your wife everything, going right back to the day before you married, when you tried to find this woman. Your wife would probably be irrevocably hurt. She may feel she's been living a lie after all this time, and that you never really wanted her as your first choice. And it seems she would be right.If you choose not to do this, the other option is an affair - even an emotional affair. But the woman involved seems not to want this.Or you straight out ask this woman if she will have a relationship with you if you end things with your wife. And this is something that the majority of women would find rather too intense to deal with straight away. So what I'm saying is, you either accept, in yourself, that you 'settled' back then and however hard, you continue things with your wife and make effort to liven up your marriage. Or, you take a huge risk and confront the idea that, in settling, you compromised part of yourself that was too important and that you don't want to spend the rest of your life without. The risk is that the female in question won't respond. Don't forget that when we've not seen someone for a very long time, and we had an intense experience with them and there was unfinished business, it can be incredibly powerful to see them again. Time seems to roll back and we feel 'in touch' with ourselves, as we were at that time, through shared memory (including bodily memory, even if there was no sexual relation). This in itself is an incredibly seductive experience. It's a bit like a dog going crazy because it recognises someone it knew from a decade or more before, just through bodily memory. We are not so different to animals like this. It feels unearthly and it's difficult not to succumb to it and to see the person involved as the one that we 'love', when it's possible it is rather this rolling back of time that is the powerful thing in play. Reality as it is now can often seem, in light of this powerful experience, very dull; often we are older, somewhat disappointed with life and ourselves and we hope to regain our youthful self through the person we find again. This may not be the case for you; it may be that you can both step into this together and create some sort of continuum. But, as I say, it will involve you taking a risk that you didn't have to take before, effectively 'undoing' the settling process that you went through, and causing a lot of pain to others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2015): You do want her (sexually!!)No point in denying it!And,she was right you were emotionally cheating on your family unit. Do NOT wanna hurt them? Great, don't cheat!If you are so sure your marriage is "like any other after 10 years" (whatever that's supposed to mean), then leave the marriage.Give a respectable amount of time to your spouse to come to terms with it ending (I'd say at least 3 months), then pursue the other chick if you wish (i.e. starting to date.I don't think you can date before 3/6 month mark).Anything less than that is cheating and emotional manipulation (i.e. you don't care how it ends and how it affect others as long as YOU are happy).And,no you do not "know" her after just one date. You live with the fantasy of her,not the real her. How would you feel after 10 years with her? Same "like any other relationship after 10 years"???Show your child (boy or girl) that you treat his/her MOTHER with respect.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 March 2015):
 Married couples suppress their desires to be with other people. Your long lost life just happened to bring those up on the surface. We always romanticize the one who got away. She also probably reminded you that your marriage is a little bit stale. You may feel that because you are both looking each other up that means your stars were aligned and you were meant to be together. You are not the same 18 as the old 18. When before there was no cell phone or internet. Looking up old school friends is what people do. She was going on lunch dates that means she is still single or recently divorced. Somehow it feels safer to date someone you used to know because there are creeps and predators out there.
You can look at your wife as the long lost love too. I bet she is missing the passion as well. Since you are at the computer so much why don't you look for ways to appreciate your own marriage?
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