A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy online (long distance) about a month ago. We clicked instantly and have been in contact everyday. We're friends on social media, talk on the phone every other day, text on and off all day and have this thing where we text each other until the other is ready to fall asleep. We've swapped tons of photos and have even talked of meeting in person. We do admit that we have feelings for each other. He's been such a great guy, respectful, trustworthy from what I know thus far and up until last night had made me very happy. He's even shared a part of his life with me that was none of my business because he wanted to be upfront that it was a part of who he is. I really admired that.Since he's came into my life I've been happier and more positive and he seemed to be a positive influence. My family could even tell a change in me. Here's the problem I'm having. I was in a relationship prior to meeting him for almost 5 years. Due to that I've lost all trust in men and question everything they say to me. I've been questioning this man's motives now and actually made a fool out of myself last night and therefore today, we both are not sure of how to approach the other one. Here's what happened:Last night he added a girl to his facebook that he met on the same site that we met on. 2 days ago he told me that she'd been paying way too much attention to him. At that moment I didn't think anything of it, as he is single. He told me a few days prior that he'd become emotionally invested in/attached to what we have and isn't looking for anyone there, nor anywhere. We are NOT in a relationship, I'm well aware, but it still hurt to see that he did this because it makes me think he's talking the same kind of things to her, and others, that he is me. I couldn't hold in my hurt so I let it out last night and told him how I feel. He said that he didn't think he did anything hurtful and that he thought it was alright because the girl is apparently in a "committed" relationship. My ex treated me like such shit and this guy knows that so for this to happen, it's just brought up old feelings and mistrust.He and I are both very quiet today and tried texting but it isn't going well. He said he's just deep in thought and feels bad for making me feel upset and that's why he's being quiet. And I just flat out don't know what to say to him. I feel angry, hurt, betrayed, even though he isn't obligated to me in anyway. I feel like a fool, and that's what hurts the most because my ex made me feel that same emotion throughout our entire 5 year relationship. I feel stupid, like he's laughing at me for trusting him and sharing personal things with him. Any advice please?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): I agree with honeypie on this one . I would feel hurt too and I don't think you overreacted at all. Yes! He does have the right to add whomever he likes but he also needs to realise that in this world there is such a thing as action- reaction. He can add whom he likes but theb he should not be surprised when the arouaed questions in the mind of a woman who he is trying to gain the trust of and develop and I tomate relationship, especially if he knows you have been hurtA smart man knows that an important part of developing q relationship is fostering a sense of security in his partner through transparency and also eliminating as much as possible , questionable actions So whilst I undertand that its importbat not to jump to conclusions or let past hurts dictate our behaviour , it is also important , particularly for females ( who are often undervalued and sexualised in this society ) to e cerise caution Don't be so hard on yourself . Good for you for expressing your concerns . I would stand right on my concerns and leave the ball in his court to express his intentions and motives
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 May 2015):
 I honestly would be hurt if some guy added a woman he SEES no point in continuing to talk to, and then to POINT it out to me.
If she is paying too much attention to him while in a committed relationship I'd question WHY he added her.
And think it was good that you spoke up rather then try and pretend you are OK with it.
Now he DOES have a "right" to add anyone, male, female to his FB and talk to them.
He is not your RX, so remember to NOT "blame" this guy for your ex's past actions, that isn't fair.
So you have to decide, do you STILL want to get to know him or was what he did a deal-breaker - then move on from there.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 You are in two minds about this. In one, you know that this guy is a nice gentleman and in the other one you feel all men are the same waiting to take advantage and laugh at your foolishness. You have not totally detached from your ex and still holds resentment and bitterness. Some days you feel positive and happy but all it takes is some triggers to drag you down again. It takes time to break out of your negative thinking pattern completely.
What this guy wants to hear is the following:
"It is not your fault. I did this to myself. I am already feeling better now. Yesterday I just had a bad day."
Although you don't really feel like this right now, this is a positive confirmation and it is helpful for you to move forward. Keep practicing with positive thoughts and you will get there one day.
Other than that just try to forget about it. If you keep on obsessing about it you just make it worse. You can find an interesting topic, one that you are passionate about, so he sees a different side to you, rather than the bitter, jaded one who needs protection from the past.
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