A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 20 years and each year my frustration grows. The basis of my frustration involves seemingly insignificant things which, over time, grow into issues for me.Let me give three examples:1) LaundryMy wife does not do laundry almost ever. Certainly not mine, but very seldom her own. She is compelled to do it when she is out of clothes to wear. Then she will empty out her very full hamper and do four or five load of laundry. Before then, however, she won't touch it. I am the opposite. When I was a bachelor, I would throw all of my dirty clothes into the washer and when I had enough for a load I would do it. I still tend to do this, because the chances she is going to need the washer are small. The incompatibility is that when she does do her laundry she will not put it away. It lies on the bed. She will even sleep on top of her clean laundry. I won't say this happens every time, but often enough. She has so much folding to do that she can never put all the clothes away and so they just lay out until she uses them and the hamper fills. This drives me nuts!2) BeddingA few times per year I make sure that every pillow has a cover and a case. I throw away dirty pillows and buy new ones. I make sure we have plentiful sheets and bedding. My wife, on the other hand, could care less. Tonight I noticed there were five pillows on the bed. Two had covers and cases, two has neither, and one had a cover, but not a case. My wife says she could care less. This is irritating to me given that just in April I threw away old pillows, bought new ones, and made sure that every pillow had at least one cover and case! My wife says that she probably stored the "extra" cases and covers away. This is silly, but in our relationship I am constantly feel like we need more bedding and she constantly feels like we have extra! Except we have pillows without cases or covers so how can there be extra!?!? My wife says she doesn't care. She will just sleep on them as-is.3) DishesAnother stupid thing to get uptight over, but it gets on my nerves. My wife cooks, but hates to load the dishwasher. She says she likes to unload. Ok. I usually do the dishes (since she cooked, it only seems fair). If they finish while I am up I will also unload. What she does is then fill the sink with dishes during the day EVEN THOUGH the dishwasher is empty! When I ask her why she says it is because she hates to load. Ok. So sometimes the dishwasher is not done before I go to bed, so I do not unload it. When I get home there are STILL dirty dishes in the sink! I will go to load them in the dishwasher and - you guessed it - the clean dishes are still sitting there! These are just three of the silly little things that I have overlooked year after year which I have put up with, but which have now become big issues to me and, as a result, lead to arguments. I feel like my living space is much more disorganized and dirty because I share it with my wife. I am hardly a clean freak, but she is just so laissez faire. To make matters worse from my perspective, she does not have a career any longer. She is home all day doing whatever she wishes to do. We have no children, so she is not busy with that. I feel like maybe she should be able to wash and put away her own laundry, find the missing pillowcases, and so on at some point during the week. When I tell her this she says I am controlling and abusive. I don't know what to do. I love her, but I am not sure I can live with her because of her slovenly habits and the way she ignores my wishes because it's my problem that I get annoyed by, say, having to sleep on pillows without cases when I just bought a set of four!Is this typical? Can two people REALLY live together long-term? Over the first decade of our marriage I put up with this, but I just cannot go on like this! However, neither is it worth divorcing over! Help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2012): I wouldn't say that it's absurd to separate or divorce over this. After all, your physical living space is at stake. If you can never be at peace because your home does not feel like a home to you (both physically and mentally), this has serious long-term health consequences. Furthermore, your wife has displayed a chronic selfishness and inconsideration. You've spent years trying to get used to her level of cleanliness and compromising your comfort, yet she is not putting in any effort to meet you halfway. This is a relationship problem. A cleaning service would not change this, it's just a band aid. It's also a waste of money since your wife can do her share of the cleaning since she doesn't have a job, she just refuses to. It would be money being sunk for no good reason.
I suppose another 'band aid' would be for you and your wife to keep separate residences at least some of the time. For example, some couples live apart during the week due to their jobs, and then meet up on the weekends, or once a month, whatever. If you could make such an arrangement work that could be another band-aid, apart from a cleaning lady.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Does your wife have ADHD or something like that... she sounds a lot like me..
you've put up with this for 20 plus years... it's going to be hard to get her to change..
i too could go not doing laundry weekly just when I needed it... my ADHD therapist taught me to only have enough underwear for one week.... then I had no choice but to do laundry... now with my new partner, sunday is cleaning day and laundry day whether we need it or not...
part of the problem may be that she doesn't see what you see.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Several people have suggested that you get a cleaning lady in order to solve the problem, so your wife can continue to be a slob, but I suggested you get one in order to hopefully get your wife to wake up! It is utterly ridiculous to hire a maid while your wife sits on her ass watching the maid clean. Geez... This just says to your wife, "It's ok to do nothing. Me and the maid will do all the housework while you sit around being lazy." Is that the message you want to send? Besides, I don't think her uncleanliness is the whole issue here. It's her whole nonchalant attitude towards her lifestyle- a lifestyle that is not compatible with yours and she is unwilling to step up her wifely duties and do what she should be doing! At the very least, she should do it because you would appreciate it so much and it would take a load off your shoulders and make you happy and comfortable in your own home!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): From my point of view, you have to evaluate these point: is this matter significant enough to put behind all the years that both of you had together as a married couple, as much as you think that she's an inorganised person, she probably feels that you're a neat freak, she's probably also complacent because she knows you'd take care of other things like pillows. Just because she's currently a housewife, it doesn't mean that she has to do all the work. Its easy to just place the duty on a woman when you see a lot of people out there do not do house chores even though theyre housewives. Some women do not like to do housework. It's just a personal preference. I think that this is a matter of your expectation and her personal preference. I agree with one of the comments. Get a cleaning lady.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (27 August 2012):
 According to Chinese Feng Shui a very untidy unclean home brings dis-harmony and arguments and affects the mood in the home.
You love your wife and you have been together a long time. So if the place was cleaner would that lift this big load off your mind and would things be better?
If the place was much cleaner for a while your wife might start to realise what she has been missing. It might even lift a lot of pressure off her too. Maybe she is just sick of cleaning and feels overwhelmed by it all.
As it sounds like you would like the marriage to continue despite your opposite views on tidiness then maybe tackle the state of the home first, and see if that improves things?
Consider: if you were to bring in some people to swab the home for bacteria and spores (potentially harbouring disease) you would probably be shocked. Not to mention the nasties in the dust and the dust mites in the bedding.
A matttress needs a regular vacuum of the top. Sheets and pillo cases need to be changed and washed regularly.
As a "one Off" would you consider bringing in a professional cleaner to do the kitchen, living room and the bathrooms. Take your wife to lunch and get the cleaning done in the four hours you are wining and dining her.
Is your wife in a rut or is she depressed?
Once the above rooms are looking good then get in a professional cleaner for the bedrooms and any other rooms not mentioned above on another occasion when you take the wife out for a date.
It might even bring some joy and excitement back to your relationship.
Once the kitchen, bathrooms and living room and bedrooms etc are all lovely then arrange for a cleaner to come in once a week for one or two hours to get some essentials done.
If this does not work then talk things over with your wife about how the situation cannot continue. A messy home, as your get older, can become a serious health hazard. With things to fall over and things that can facilitate disease.
Tell your wife how much she means to you. And that you do not want to lose her. But that you just cannot face living in a virtual pigsty any more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): Simple - Get a cleaning lady to come twice a week or so. You tell her exactly what you'd like her to do (cleaning, laundry, dishwasher etc). Everyone wins!
That's what my husband and I did because we too couldn't agree on the whole domestic situation either.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (27 August 2012):
If it makes you feel better, I once broke up with a guy because he always left the kitchen cabinets open- every single one. It drove me absolutely crazy. We lived together for 6 months, and day after day of going into the kitchen and having to close all the cabinet doors drove me to my breaking point. Of course, the break-up was not because of the cabinets themselves, but the fact that he did not care enough to close them when he KNEW how much I disliked it. That was the bottom-line issue at that point.Clearly, your wife does not care about order and cleanliness, but she SHOULD care that YOU DO! I'm sorry, but I don't think there is ANY excuse for a healthy, mobile person, who doesn't work, to let their house be dirty and unkempt. This is absolute craziness to me. Especially when their husband does his part. Maybe I'm a little old fashioned, but I still believe that the woman (especially a housewife!) should keep up the house, for the most part. She is a lazy slob, to be blunt, and I am doubtful that anything will change after all this time. Anything is possible, but she seems to be very set in her lazy ways, and after 20 years of marriage, expecting her to suddenly become neat and tidy and a good housewife is very wishful thinking on your part.Have you expressed your disdain? Have you told her bluntly and clearly that you don't like the way she keeps house, and that it's really starting to become a problem for you? If she doesn't know it's a problem, then she might not know she should be doing anything differently. If you stopped doing what you do (laundry, dishes, buying linens for the bed, etc), do you think she would step it up? Maybe she doesn't do those things because she knows you will (again, LAZY!) Since she doesn't need to work, I assume you can afford to hire a maid service. Maybe doing that would be a wake-up call to her that she needs to get off her ass and clean her own house. I'm sorry, but I just can not fathom how and why some women are like your wife. Again, she has NO EXCUSE not to have that house sparkling clean every single day.You're right, being a dirty person in itself is not worth divorcing over, but if you try everything and she is unwilling to change, then I think you have every right to live happily and peacefully! Sometimes people are incompatible in living situations, and it will continue to drive you nuts if you don't take control of this situation now. As I mentioned, I have lived in a situation similar to yours, and I don't understand how you've put up with it for so long! She needs to get her act together- I think you are completely reasonable to expect your wife to step it up!Lastly, maybe you can try counseling so she can have an unbiased third party involved, and maybe then she will understand the seriousness of the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): You have been together for 20 years and your complaining about dishes, laundry, bedding? Eh hello are you feeling ok your complaining about something that everyone does yes I am house proud but sometimes I won't wash the dishes every day or I don't do washing everyday please get a grip this is your wife please respect her a bit more fair enough if she was doing something bad and for you to complain about!
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (27 August 2012):
 This is not an uncommon thing. It's down to pure laziness and selfishness because she obviously doesn't care how you feel. My ex-wife was like this as is a work colleague's wife. I have no idea how you can get her to change. If other things are good in your marriage then probably best to live with it. It may be irriating but there are worse traits.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (27 August 2012):
 Well some people are rather lazy about such things. I've been single a good while and I get lazy until a problem becomes overwhelming. But what you described is worse than I could endure.
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