A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over three years now. I love him very much and he is a really wonderful person. He is there for me, loves and supports me. The thing is, is that I've always struggled with being attracted to him. That doesn't mean I want to break up because I know that he is someone that I could spend my life with, but lately its just been really bothering me. It doesn't help anything that he is 4 inches shorter than me (I'm 5'10 and its never something I've been ashamed of, and even though he says he doesn't care, sometimes I think he does). We met through a friend and first talked online, before looks mattered, and that is part of the reason I fell in love with him. But lately whenever I go out with my friends if an attractive guy makes a pass at me I'm almost tempted... but I know I would never cheat on him. Its just hard for me to imagine spending the rest of my life with someone I'm not attracted to. I feel like I'm being really shallow.... any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ramble-on +, writes (14 June 2008):
Hi anonymous,
First, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. I think part of us (generalizing) always feels horrible the first time we really question our feelings toward someone who so genuinely cares about us. It will be easy for some people to say that looks don't matter and/or that you're somehow shallow for thinking the way you do. Don't listen to them.
We can't help how we feel. You know as well as I do that if you feel guilty about feeling a certain way, then you're doomed to beat yourself up emotionally (shame spiral, anyone?)
Here are a few questions for you (to answer on the board or just internally): 1. What are the aspects of the relationship that make you feel like you could spend the rest of your life with him? 2.If he was the same person - only 5 inches taller and with the physical traits you find "attractive" - would everything be fine? 3. Are there things about him or things you share with him that bring out a spark and ignite passion?
I think the last question is a crucial one. Noticing a really attractive person at a bar or somewhere else is natural. Being in a committed relationship doesn't mean you're blind and immune from our baser laws of attraction.
Be honest with yourself and ask whether this is someone that you really feel you could spend the rest of your life with, want to spend your life with, or someone you're afraid to lose. If you find yourself thinking you might be able to do better (as horrible as that may sound), try to understand what "better" really is. The truth is that if you decide to break things off, don't drag it out (or worse, try to sabotage the relationship to avoid doing something difficult). You should assume that if you part ways, he will not be in your life anymore.
As someone who was broken up with just less than a year ago, I had to deal with my ex and the "really want to stay friends" nonsense. For me, that was not and is not a possibility. It was and still is absurd, to me. I felt hurt and rejected. Her love and respect for me and chorus of "I never wanted to hurt you" were not of solace, no matter how much she wanted them to be. That's because breakups suck. They always do. I've been on the other side of them too, and they're difficult to even fathom for a while.
Your heart and head will tell you the answer. You don't need to figure it out today or pressure yourself into making a snap decision. You do need to ask yourself difficult questions, evaluate your needs and priorities, and most importantly - treat him with respect.
I hope some of this helps. I feel for you.
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