A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi :) Im 20 and I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. When we started going out we were both quite young for our ages and very niave. When I started going out with him he would always go on about his 'best friend' (who was a girl) an they'd known eachother for 10 years. He also used to fancy her for a few years around the age of 14. He always used to say she was amazing and such a nice person. (He did say that shes just a friend though and nothing more.)I have always been insecure of her because of how he used to talk about her so fondly. And I always new she would come before me if he had to choose who to have in his life, he would of always chosen her. (For the first year atleast). I always liked him more than he liked me and it took him about a year an a half to love me :(But because I was so young for my age I didnt really realise that wasnt how a relationship was ment to work. Another girl should never come before your girlfriend, should they?And now I realise I feel like i've had to work to get him to love me, for example making him really nice things for his birthday and making so much effort on him. Now in my opinion, he's 'learnt to love me'. But he really does love me now and he says he would choose me over her now definitely! and we are best friends. They only see eachother once every 4 months or something now. But I cant help thinking if they still saw eachother a lot would she still be more important than I am?Theres always a thought in the back of my mind that he had to learn to love me. And I think to myself, why did I put up with that? I could of easily found someone that loved me for who I am straight away.Now 3 years down the line He loves me and I love him, an he still meets up with her every4 months an I feel sick every time I know he is with her. Is all this understandable of me? Or am I just over reacting and should I just move on? Cos it's now that matters isnt it? Should I just try and let the past go?Thank you for your advise! xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): Thank you for your advice! :) I've talked to him about it all by email because he lives at uni at the moment so too far to talk face to face. He emailed me back saying he understands and feels guilty about not loving me right from the start.But later on I talked to him via skype and when I talked to him face to face he did get angry and said 'I dont think it's insecurity, I just think you dont like her!'And last night I said to him- what you said is going round in my head cos it feels like you were defending her. And he said, 'I was angry because I don't want it to effect us, but I don't want conflict between anyone either.' What do you think of this? xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2011): I went through something similar with my ex, he dated his best friend of 15 years. They went out for a year before they realized they didn't 'love' each other. Yet, she was still so great in his eyes. He talked about her constantly and even cancelled plans with me once to hang out with her. They never invited me along and even though years later, I realize there was no romantic feelings between them, I wasn't happy about the situation. Here's what I think you should do: 1) talk to him about it: say, 'I don't know why, but I feel uncomfortable about this situation because I remember how much you fancied her. I'm sure I'll feel better if I could come along and get to know her better, I'm sure we might even get to be friends also.' * If he gets upset with you or calls you crazy and goes off the deep end, then he's protecting something or hiding something. If you approach him casually, he should be totally alright with having you come along. Hang out with them until you feel comfortable, even see if you and her alone could do a girls day (don't complain about your guy's problems though, she might be a bitch and it'll get back to him) You can say a few small things like 'he never puts his socks in the hamper' but don't bitch about him.If you feel uncomfortable about their interactions, or they seem to exclude you, you need to bring it up with your bf asap. Tell him when you guys leave her company that the behavior isn't appropriate and needs to change. Be very clear but not angry. He may not realize and may need to change things. If he's a keeper, he'll make things right in your eyes. My ex didn't, and I realized that even though I was wrong about the situation, it was him who was making me feel like there was a situation. He refused to let me come with them and would get angry when I suggested, he had all these reasons and excuses. My bf now always approaches me to make sure I'm comfortable with a situation (he's had a few slip ups, but nothing major). You need a man who will stand by you and love you and do what's right for your relationship. Not for his ego or his relationship with another girl (even if she is just a friend, you're his gf!) Don't put up with crap and make yourself clear, guys can be daft sometimes... good luck!
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