A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a real issue just now with this guy i'm seeing. We met about seven months ago and since then, things have been good but not exactly plain sailing. Its very important for me to say firstly that he suffers from mild aspergers and even though i've researched as best I can, I honestly dont know enough about it to help me understand how it affects our relationship.Sometimes my boyfriend is really really great - and other times he can act like he doesnt remember I exist. I havent always had an easy time of things and I think i'm probably more fragile and emotionally sensitive than I originally thought - and I doubt can take the hurt and frustration he is causing me for much longer.He says he really likes me a lot (he told me early on that he really believed he could come to love me, since then we have got close to each other but no I love you's have been said.) He also once told me he still missed his ex, which tore me apart. He insists she isn't an issue now, but a lot of my trust for him has gone in that sense. I have real feelings for him - and I want to be supportive of his aspergers if thats the reason for our issues. I can accept his aspergers already and I am there for him no matter what - I just want to know how I can help him even more, and help 'us' in the process.He doesn't seem to embody all that many characteristics of it which makes it harder to understand how it *does* affect him; he's physically very affectionate, seems to be able to read my emotions even when i'm not being all that clear about them and for the most part, doesnt seem to have that much of a hard time confiding his own emotions about things to me - just not his emotions *for* me. He went on holiday recently and was in touch with me around the clock, but his friend didnt even hear from him once - which I know upset his friend, and I felt guilty. However, when he got back home on the saturday he said he was feeling down and it took him a few days to initiate us getting together. I saw him on the monday and he definitely seemed better. He said he was going to miss me before he went away, and he said he wished I was there when he was away, but he didnt say he was pleased to see me when we did finally see each other - am I maybe asking for too much? I tell him I miss him often - just because I think its nice to let your special one know you care about them, and think about them even when they're not around.Can I take it that he does 'like' me, he just can't show me consistently because of his aspergers? Or am I being naive here, and making excuses for him? I'm getting a little hurt now - I really want to know if I mean something to him, and I definitely dont want to have to ask outright if he thinks he will love me one day; I know I already do love him - though i'm afraid to tell him incase I get my heart boken. Anyone's advice would be appreciated; though, it would be so helpful if anyone who is or has dated someone with the condition could share their experiences and tell me how they dealt with the emotional fragmentation that it sometimes causes. Thanks so so much!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your response:
I did consider breaking up with my boyfriend at a point, but i decided to raise my feelings and issues with him instead and luckily we managed to work through them extremely well. It might not always be a smooth journey, but no relationship ever is. I didn't want to make things difficult for my boyfriend and I certainly didn't really want to break up with him.
You are right that he isn't aware that some of the things he says are hurtful, but the main thing that has helped is me not taking everything so personally. I like to think of it as a few growing pains, that we hopefully wont ever return to.
Though I do want to respond to oldersisters answer - i appreciate what you have to say and thank you! But, there is a big difference in going to school with someone and being in a relationship with them. Its a very different experience.
Thanks everyone for your help: I appreciated it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe last thing i want to do is break up with him - but i really dont want to hurt his feelings by pretending i understand his condition when i don't. I have always realised that he can't provide the kind of emotional support that i would like him to, i just wasn't prepared to feel quite so rejected at times.
I have never known anyone with aspergers before and so it has been a bit of a learning process; 'reading' him as i got to know him better and gaining a sense of the ways his aspergers affected things (because it's mild - its often hard to know when he's having difficult moments - so luckily he usually tells me). I truly appreciate his openness there and i back off and give him his space to deal with things when he needs to be alone.
Any set backs for him, however, can make him very very low and i'm terrified of upsetting him, especially over something that i am upset about myself.
I'm a huge believer in actions over words; but i really dont want to end up over-analysing every aspect of our relationship and making hard work out of something that should probably be fairly easy at only seven months. Its NOT a long time, i know that, and i don't know how appropriate a more serious conversation would be at this stage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): 7 mos. might not be enough time to have heart-felt conversations.
Judge him by his actions, not by his words. Boy, did I make that mistake in my marriage of 35 years. Turned out that the actions were telling. His words were empty, and I was shocked. I intuitively knew something was amiss but ignored my conscious thoughts.
Not breaking up with him to keep him from being hurtis not a good reason. You will hurt him more if you do not break with him feeling this way.
I really do sense that you don't want to break up with him even there is a lot that bothers you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your advice - i think you may be right in saying that i need to move on. He is a great guy - just not the right one for me. thanks again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): I agree with old sister, but will add a little more.To try to analyze whether is a result of his syndrome or not is a waste of time. You are not happy with who he is. Too much bothers you, and you are in need of more emotional support. That's the way you are--no problem. Also consider that he is not over the past relationship.Move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hear what you are saying and thank you. I guess my trouble comes from the inconsistencies in what he vaguely told me/tells me and what he shows me. He said his condition was very mild and that i would barely notice it - but that's not been entirely true. I have been so patient with him in his difficult moments and not crowded him out, or pushed him to talk to me. I think that approach works best for us both, as it means i dont get frustrated when things start to fragment emotionally. I realise our relationship wont be conventional and i *do* accept that. His happiness means more to me than anything - its probably why i've gone on so long feeling this way and not actually really said anything.
I see him as a 'normal guy' because that's genuinely what i see and i know thats the image he wants me to see. I dont think of his aspergers as constrictive to us, because he said it wouldnt be. Now i realise that it is, and he seems very awkward talking about it - so i dont push it. Last thing i want to do, is have to break up with him and set him back further emotionally over something he cannot help. But i do find it hard, because he seems so, well, emotionally normal most of the time. I just dont want to hurt his feelings by telling him how it makes me feel.
I think i need to explain that i have never had a serious conversation with him about his aspergers - in many ways, its like avoiding the elephant in the room. Whats the most sensitive way to discuss it with him?
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