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male
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anonymous
writes: Okay, i know this is pretty long and im sorry, but i need some help. Im having problems with what to do. Im 17 I've been in this relationship for a little over 2 years now (its a long distance relationship right now, though). We've always had a happy relationship, we'd always made eachother feel so amazing. The only thing is, we weren't "physically" together. That's always been a burden for our relationship, but other than that, everything was perfect. Then, in June, 4 months ago, she went out with her friends one night, she ended up getting reallly drunk(it was her first time, too) and she made out with a guy there. The next day, when we were talking, she told me that she did it. And, of course, at that moment i didnt know how to feel. She has always told me that im the only one, that im the only one she wants to be with, forever. She told me she would never cheat on me. I, too, felt the same about her, told her all that too, and i really meant it. She told me she was really sorry, and that she didn't know what she was doing. Since she was really drunk, i was trying to forgive her. Then a couple days later she told me she started having feelings for him, which really ripped apart my heart. Then she left me and went out with him. She was with him for only about a month, though. While she was with him, she'd still always tell me she loves me. We still talked just about everyday. I guess, from what she told me, he wasn't that great of a guy, that he didn't really care much. He barely made an effort to be with her or anything. Then she came back to me, and of course, i took her back. I love her soooo much, more than anything. I just couldn't say no. She would always say that she was really sorry for doing what she did, but whenever i'd ask her to tell me why she did it, she'd say she didn't know. It really killed me inside. Then i found out she had done some sexual things with him, but not going all the way. (We were both virgins, both never had any sexual experiences. We both have talked about how we really wanted to share all our first experiences with eachother. Finding out this crushed my heart even more) I've asked her why, and all she's told me was that she didn't want to, and that he made her feel like she couldn't say no, and that he just did it, without even asking her or anything. But despite all that, i was still willing to get back with her. We've been together so far since July. But all this is still haunting me. I still think about it a lot, i try not to, but i just can't help it. The only times i really don't think about it is when im talking to her, or really occupied with some other activity. But when im alone, it gets bad. I get so depressed and down. I've actually done some stupid things already (to self). She tells me she is so sorry for doing all this, that it was a really huge mistake. She tells me she really regrets it, and she's said she has even thought about giving up so i could find someone else who wouldnt cheat. Im not sure if i should believe it. It's hard for me to really trust her again, since she had always told me she would never do anything like what she did. And a few times i've caught her lieing to me, even though it was over really stupid things that didn't even matter anyway, but just the thought of lieing to me, makes trusting her even harder. I really don't know what to do. It's so hard for me, i really want to be with her. I love her with all my heart, i've never loved anyone more. I really want things to work out, but the pain is still stabbing me. I've been trying to forget about this, i really have. But for some reason my heart's just not letting go. It kills me. I miss how things used to be.I'm not really sure what to do. Should I believe her, and work at this, and try moving forward with her? Any advice would be really appreciated :)
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 October 2006):
 If you really want to give it another go, then give her the opportunity to EARN your trust. This does not mean to treat her badly, it means to give her little tests.However, once the seal has been broken, usually it can not be fixed. I suggest that you start to date other people, and only ever get exclusive with her again IF she EARNS your trust.I know you miss the way things were, but this is life, and in life, NOTHING stays the same. Best get used to that aspect. Given that she cheated on you....at least those times you are now aware of, my guess is that it was not in reality what you figured it was in your mind.-Frank B Kermit
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): The trust in this relationship has been shattered. And trust is foundational in a healthy, equally balanced love relationship. The only way this relationship will fly is for you to learn to 'trust her' again. If you can't do that, then learn to step back and understand that your g/f sounds very young and simply not' at the same committment level in this relationship as you are. She needs to experience life to the fullest, spread her wings and have some time for self-discovery, so to speak. Some people have a lot of living to do before they're truly ready to settle. She needs time to live alone, find her own rhythms, date a variety of people, develop new friends and interests, learn how to live with and care for herself, totally and independently on her own. These are the ways young people learn who they are and what makes them unique.
This is a process most young people go through and need to get to that "committed and settled" phase of their life. As tough as it is for you, she needs this time on her own, flying solo..being alone. Being alone is a markedly different experience from being lonely. She needs this and you have to accept she needs to do this. As hard as it is, you will have to let go. I think it's only fair to her. She has to take the brave step out in the world and do it on her own.
She may be tempted to try to sowing her wild oats, by plunging herself into non-stop adventures or new relationships. She may not. One doesn't know but that will be her individual choice. She may start a new career, further her education, travel all over, seek new adventures. The fact is, she needs to learn about life and the more she practices, the better she'll get at making decisions about life, in the future.
But be friends with her and stay in touch. But don't be on her doorstep..if she experimenting with dating, that may be hard for you to see. Call her, e-mail-every once in a while. Who knows, you and she may hook up again, down the road. If you two are meant to be..it will happen. Take care and stay strong
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