| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Lately I've come to realise that I tend to lose interest in guys who show too much interest in me too soon, whether that be sexual interest or in terms of wanting a relationship. Like I'll be flirting and having fun getting to know a guy and then he'll try to kiss me and if I fancy him we'll end up kissing and then we'll go on some dates and soon he'll start saying I'm perfect and he can see things really going somewhere and all this crap that you can't really know within such a short space of knowing someone. So I start to think he's ridiculous and clearly has no standards if he only knows a tiny part of me and already thinks I'm perfect and then they usually say they love me really soon and I get bored and I break it off. It's not that I'm only interested in being chased. It's that things change. I change. The conversations and banter just aren't as good. I stop feeling like I'm acting like myself and I think I start trying to be how I imagine they'd want me to be and we end up never really knowing each other and I feel trapped by my own compliance with how I believe they want me to be so I end up getting frustrated and ending the thing and this usually happens within a month or two of the beginning and I don't want it to be like this but I'm not sure how to change. I suppose I shouldn't go along with the first kiss so soon but I'm afraid if I pull back they'll think I'm not interested. I guess I am a little interested at that point, hence the flirting just not interested enough that I know I want it to go anywhere but it always seems to and I just go along with it. I don't know how not to.I've started dating a guy who's quirky and funny and quite sweet but it's happening again where I'm just being compliant and being the way I think he wants me to be. Even stupid little things like he had his hand on my ass when were walking home and I really don't like my ass being touched in public and amn't even sure about how I'd feel about him doing it in private yet. I'm acting like I know I want to get more involved but in reality I'm so unsure. I'm finding it hard to put words on this but I really need advice as I've never really had much guidance in my life. I don't know how to stop doing this and show guys the real me and have fun while doing it. I know I've a lot of good points to share with people and I'm not sure why I hold back my true self once the kissing starts. Anyone have any insights or advice? Any similar experiences?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): I have had similar experiences recently, with increasing frequency. I go in all guns blazing, have a great time and then when I'm sure she's really interested my passion fades and I know I'll feel trapped unless I nip it in the bud. I've realised that this is all about insecurity or low self-esteem. I think I subconsciously switch on an "interest" or "attention" radar and when it picks up a signal from someone who's interested I turn on the charm. I think unlike when I was younger, when my integrity and the "real me" meant everything to me, I am now conscious of deciding that the object of my affection at that moment is simply another person, a learning experience, so that I relax enough to get on with her. The down side to that is that it takes the rush, the passion, the nervous tension out of it - I've become a professional smarm face and I can't say I like it! I think I'm probably a bit desperate and have stopped waiting for the right girl but instead I'm trying to force things, only to later think, "Hang about, what am I doing here?" Does this ring any bells, poster?
A
male
reader, maverick  +, writes (3 May 2007):
 You know I think I can sympathise with the guys - you actually remind me of a girl I know from work :o(
Well, she behaves in the exact same way you say you do (except she also adds she's "just not interested in a relationship now"). Sorry I don't think I'm much help this time but I wanted to share that.
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