A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of a year and I got together back when I was going through a divorce from a very physically abusive man. I got therapy and got better. During the beginning of our relationship, though, I wasn't always honest with him about when I talked to my ex or saw him, etc. I was NOT cheating on him or anything like that but I was afraid if I told him how hard getting away from my ex was (I loved him very much, but he was toxic) that he would think that I didnt love him. My boyfriend and I are absolutely soulmates. We're like the same person just in male and female form. We NEVER fight or argue, and we have excellent communication skills. Basically everything is perfect. Almost. We have been together without my ex in the picture at all for nearly a year. At first we didnt have any issues with trust when I told him that I had lied to him about talking to my ex. But the past couple of months he worries all the time that I am talking to someone else romantically on the side. He isn't jealous and he doesn't get angry, but I can feel tension between us and (like I said we have excellent open communication) he talks to me about how he feels. I dont know what to do about this because for the first time in my life everything is so perfect, and I am so happy, and I am afraid that even though I am not doing anything wrong in any way I am going to lose him because he cant trust me. He will flat out tell me he doesnt trust me, then to make matters worse this upsets me and I trip over my words because I don't know what to say, which only makes me look more untrustworthy. Its even about little things that have no resemblence to cheating, such as what I ate for lunch. I'm so worried all the time that he is analyzing my every word that I get worked up and look like a big liar. He tells me he wants to be with me and he wants this to all work and he loves me, he just needs to be able to trust me. But like I said how do you fix this when you aren't doing anything wrong in the first place? I feel like it's a catch-22. And now I am trying so hard to be transparent that I find myself getting upset and doing stupid things all the time, like running into things and breaking them because I am trying to pay so much attention to every move I make. He is so calm and so nice and he genuinely cares for me so I am very happy that he opens up to me like an adult about his feelings, but I don't know how to fix any of this. Add to this that I am a model and I attract male attention everywhere we go and by nature I am a very friendly person and I dont have it in me to ever hurt anyones feelings. But my boyfriend says that when I am too friendly like that that guys get the wrong message. And it's true, some of his friends have text before that I act like I want to have sex with them. But I don't, I just want to be nice. I just want things to be normal again and re-establish trust in our relationship. I want him to feel safe and secure in my feelings for him, like I always have about the way he feels for me. Help!
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female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (11 March 2011):
 First of all there is such a thing as a self fufilling prophecy, that you need to explain to him. Basically when a person lets one specific fear over rule them in a relationship they change their behavior toward their love one so much that they actually cause the thing they fear most to occur. In this case you boyfriend is scared that you will cheat on him and/or leave him for someone else.
But that if he continues to act this way, eventually it will push you away from him and towards someone else.
So he needs to be made to understand that he cannot continue to punish you for something you haven't actually done (cheat) and that the way he has been treating you is only driving you farther apart, not closer together.
Tell him you will work on being nice but in an non-flirty way that no guy could possibly misconstrue. And whatever else he would like within reason, to help make him feel better. But from now on he has to keep his insecurities in check. That they are his problem and he needs to keep them from spilling over on to you. If he wants to protect and nurture the relationship.
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