A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Just to note, my age is I will be 21 in a few weeks.So I have known this guy since we both went to the same school for a year age 15/16 (him being in the year above me) and during that time we were casual friends, he was a cool loner type who never came into school and sat around smoking but for some reason he would always make an effort to talk to me if he saw me, even though I was more of a weird/loser type chick. I am not objectively unattractive, but I am autistic so very socially awkward and bad at interaction hence I was never liked at any of the schools I went to -- just some context.Anyway, my and this guy kept in touch after leaving and for a year or so after that we would talk constantly on instant messenger, then we started meeting up and by this point I had something of a crush on him and eventually we became sexually involved, we were intimate in a generic way on multiple occasions, however never had full sex due to my lack of interest which he was aware of, and then when I was about 17 I just kind of stopped talking to him for various reasons, I suppose I had a lot of issues going on and kind of lost interest and he also used to have a way of being insensitive so we just kind of drifted apart due to a combination of factors.Anyway, recently he got back in touch, seemingly made a huge effort to contact me and even told me that he had been considering trying to track down a relative of mine who he met once and is easily contactable so as to get my current phone number and/or phoning up our old school (??) and I was like, "okay..."So we've been talking since then and he's been relatively nice, he keeps saying he wants to meet up and then cancelling but he is on a lot of medication at the moment and I think somewhat dysfunctional. I'm not really sure what he wants from me. He keeps coming onto me sexually i.e. telling me I'm "looking really hot at the moment", asking whether he would have to pay money for me to let him feel my boobs or whether I would let him do it for free (don't ask, it was in a context where it made sense), saying he wished we had our own house so we could be alone together more easily (??) and various other similar comments. To most of this, I just laughed awkwardly, even though I do find him attractive and have told him this (though I don't desire for us to be in an actual relationship).He keeps phoning me just because he's "bored" and attempting to make conversation with me online. The other day we were talking on the phone and he made some sexual remark and then said, "I don't think we're really sexually compatible though, are we? We're like repellent magnets. (his words) It's a shame, but yeah I don't think it would work."By this he means, he doesn't think we're compatible sexually because I'm one of those new-age women who is inclined to behave in a sexually aggressive/dominant way and is "kinky" in terms of interests, I've actually done paid dominatrix work in the past as well as erotic modelling, whereas he is, in his own words, more traditional and sees straight-up missionary style penis-in-vagina sex as being of paramount importance, whereas to me it isn't really an idea that has ever appealed - I'm actually a technical virgin/have never had a boyfriend and don't strongly wish to change this, whereas he has been having sex since the age of 14 and have slept with a whole load of girls. We are basically polar opposites, him being "vanilla" but with loads of sexual experience and me being mentally kinky (I also watch fetish porn/read erotica regularly and have even written some for websites in the past) but having never actually had sex. So I get his point.I asked him about this when he phoned me again the next day and he said that he saw me as, "like a lesbian" as a result of the above and I said, well you know I am attracted to you and he said that he was also attracted to me then we talked a bit more about it and he said that it, "didn't really matter if we were (sexually compatible) because we were just platonic friends, right?" and then later he concluded by saying, "yeah, exactly, that's why I think we should just be platonic friends". The next day he was back online asking me questions such as what sex acts I thought I could enjoy doing, how it was I could be attracted to him and yet not want to have full sex and in reference to a joke I made responded, "but you said you didn't want to have actual sex with me, right?" Clearly, this is not very platonic conversation starters.He then invited me to come over to his house next week while he had the place to himself, to which I accepted (I don't intend to have full sex with him and he knows this, but I guess it is probably understood that there would probably be a fair amount of kissing/touching and general lesser sexual/non-platonic shiz because that's about the only thing we agree on.)I'm somewhat confused because I'm terrible at reading other people, can anyone offer me insight on his behaviour? I am also a little confused as to how he could consider us "platonic friends" when we openly find each other attractive and have engaged in some sexual activity/slept together in the literal sense multiple times in the past? Does he think a platonic friend is anyone you as a straight guy have not had PIV sex with/are not in an official relationship with or what? To me, there seems to be a lot more grey area.(By the way, sorry if it comes across as I am messing him around in any way. That is really not intentionally the case, I am just really strange (and he is a aware of this, I think he likes a bit of the cloudcuckoolander actually). I am very clear to him that I do not wish to have full sex with him and it doesn't really appeal to me (hypothetically, though there are other factors, I suppose I would be inclined to do so in general with someone if it were a trade-off i.e. they let me do things I find sexually arousing which he gets nothing really from in return) however I do enjoy other sexual intimacy due to finding him attractive.)(Also please don't comment telling me that I should want to have full sex or would enjoy it if only I tried, since I am only mentioning this in the context of trying to convey the situation more fully and I do have my reasons, my sexuality is just odd and hard to define I have always been more turned on by specific fetishes/situations or doing things to other people as opposed to the idea of actually being touched or receiving physical sensation for as long as I can remember, that's just how I am, I know weird in most people's eyes especially being female.):-3
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (29 August 2014):
 Wow that's a lot of information for an anonymous post. I feel like we've talked for weeks. Part of that is that I know a person who is autistic at a similar level to you. She also has a lot of trouble reading emotions. What I'm going to try to do is translate male and emotion to you in term you can understand.
You both come from different worlds. He has made an effort to get to know you over a long period of time. The fact that you trust him gives me a respect for him that I generally wouldn't have for his type. All along he has been trying to fit you into his model of girls and relationships and you simply don't fit. He keeps trying to find a definition that fits you. That is why he has labeled your relationship as platonic. That is why he said you seemed Lesbian to him. he is likely to keep making closer and closer guesses until he finds a group of definitions that works with you.
OK he has got the idea that you don't want to have full sex with him. He also understands that there are opportunities for other sexual activities. He isn't sure how he feels about that. It appears that he has committed to try again.
I think you are asking what he is getting out of the relationship with you. Part of it is Thrill. A lot of times when boys talk with girls sexually it is like reading the erotica you write. They get excited by talking about it even if they aren't getting closer to the sex they would prefer. Part of it is just what he said, boredom. Sex chat is a fun game for him when he has some time to kill he enjoys playing that game with you.
How he sees the relationship. This is an area with a lot of guesswork because we only have one side of the story. He is looking for a label that defines the relationship in his mind. In his world there are two kinds of relationships. Well maybe 4. Platonic friendships. Friendships that have no chance for sex and have no sexual component. Like other guys or women which for some reason he has no desire or opportunity for sex with. You are an imperfect fit for this definition because there is a sexual element in the relationship. Next Sexual Relationships. these include people he is having sex with. Some with emotional connection some without. Or Friends who he hopes to have sex with. And in this category that means straight PIV sex, by his definition. You see yourself as in this category but he does not because he accepts the ban on Full PIV sex.
I guess that covers his understanding of the world of relationships. You have a much more complicated view. Most women do. So where are you in his mind. You are complex and mysterious. He keeps coming back because of his curiosity. He also sees you as a long term friend which in his experience makes you platonic. All of his sexual partners were short term. months at best. Because you are in the multi-year range he has built up a pile of friendly emotions about you. In a way he has feelings for you that are like his feelings for his guy friends and possibly some lesbian friends he may have. This is confusing t o him because he wants you to be in the sexual category but he values you as a platonic friend.
Right now it appears that his need for sex is driving. He has made arrangements for alone time with you. I think and hope that he is willing to accept what you are willing to give.
In the end it's my best guess and I hope it helps you understand. I understand how confusing this can be to you.
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