A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I like this guy a lot, we have a great connection, we talk like friends, we have great intellectual conversations too and we have a great sexual attraction BUT he was in high school with some of my now friends. And they have nothing but weird and bad stuff to say about him and make fun of me for talking to him.Obviously he is different now, we're older and more mature, but for some reason, their opinion of him matters so much to me and it feels like their opinion is holding me back from being with him completely.How do I fix this? Please help ?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2020): I would proceed with caution and listen to my friends. However, having myself been bullied and ostracised at school and, later, at university, I know that there can sometimes be things going on for an individual that make them present 'strangely' to others. I have one of the worst family backgrounds imaginable and have spent a lifetime working hard to overcome it but a 'weakness' is that, to do this, I've had to be in 'aspirational' circles at university - I'm lucky to be very intelligent, but I am also very naive about social politics and had underestimated how much my original family was affecting me; it would catch up with me in unexpected ways and I had difficulty sustaining friendships. People felt let down by me because they'd initially been really impressed by me, but I put myself in the position of 'carer' to so many of my colleagues, believing I would never be accepted otherwise. It all became too much for me and I got into a few arguments after a few too many drinks; definitely not enough to be treated as severely as I had been, but when word gets around it can be enough to sabotage your whole social life for a very long time afterwards. What hurts me most of all is that people that I had become friends with and had genuinely helped actually often behaved far worse than me and NONE of them ever cared enough to question me about why I had behaved as I had ie. was there anything going on that they didn't know about. So, what I'm suggesting is definitely bear in mind what your friends say and I agree with WiseOwlE that, basically, at this point in time you will be so sexually attracted to this guy that you will be blind to his flaws BUT simply ask him about what you've heard. DO NOT name any names and don't say "I hear this and that and...". Instead, ask him about his school days, who his friends were, if he had any strange things happening at home that affected his behaviour, maybe mention other people you knew who had other stuff affecting them. See what he says. See if he has any explanation for it but don't make it obvious that you are checking out what friends have said. Every person deserves to at least have a fair chance of defending themselves if they had valid reasons for bad behaviour and if they want to move on. I'd also bear in mind that your friends were younger then and younger people can sometimes be very judgemental and reactionary. Don't start making excuses for him, and really DO listen to your friends, but give him a chance to talk about his life back then.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 August 2020):
 Personally, I would listen to my friends. Where there is smoke there is OFTEN fire.
They aren't talking badly about him for no reason. Now some stuff might be old stuff, maybe he has matured but the thing is they are trying to make sure YOU don't fall for and date a piece of crap.
There are plenty of people I know of, who didn't heed the warning, and ended up in a bad situation. If you think you know better, proceed on your risk.
If you aren't going to listen to your friends, why would you listen to strangers on the Internet?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2020): Judge him on his own merit and with your own mind. Keep seeing him, but with caution. Any new man has to be treated with caution, don't ever trust anybody straightaway, don't ever take what they say to be gospel until you get to know them better.
Apply the same common sense to him as I hope you would apply to any potential boyfriend, let them earn your trust, then you won't go far wrong.
Friends can be a great source of information, they can also have their own agenda for whatever reason and also, someone they can't stand, might be great by your reasoning.
Be your own person, but be sensible and proceed with caution, with ANY new man you may meet. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (26 August 2020):
 I think its good that you have friends that are looking out for you. I do however feel that it has got to be your decision on whether you keep seeing him or not.
You say yourself he is different now, older now, and more mature. Although you can take your friends advice on board, at the end of the day its what you think that matters.
Do they ever elaborate on why they only have weird and bad stuff to say about him?. Also i think that the age bracket you are in now it seems rather immature to make fun of you for talking to him, this seems like something you do when your at school, and true friends should not do this.
Keep seeing him, like any new relationship take it slow, and with caution, and just see what unfolds over time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2020): If you're smart you'll listen and proceed with caution. True-friends will warn you, and it's up to you to keep your eyes and ears open. If there is a consistency in what you hear, and the warnings are dire; I recommend you beware. If he has changed, that remains to be seen. He made a bad enough impression that you're getting warnings about him.
"...we have a great sexual attraction"
Be that the case. It's unlikely you'll take heed to the warnings.
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