A
male
age
36-40,
*aranoidandroid
writes: I am, what most people would call, the stereotypical nerd. I have never been a ladies' guy, and am mostly introverted. However, few years back when I was a sophomore in college, an "out-of-my-league" girl in my Organic Chemistry class became really close to me, and we did mutually pleasurable bedroom deeds. We never had sex though, and when I asked her if she would have sex with me, she talked about her Christian upbringing and so on and so forth, and how she'd refrain from pre-marital sex (I'm an agnostic btw). She did confess, however, that she was not a virgin, but had been abstaining from sex until marriage. Me being the shy nerd that I am, coiled back into my cocoon, and let my budding relationship with her fizzle. We were in an on-and-off relationship for a while, and I took her out for dates even after we graduated, but things never really took off. I am in grad school right now, and she is staying with her parents 1000 miles away (she always has, and she is 24 now) trying to apply for med schools. Recently, I invited her over to my city so that we could hang out and see where things would go, and she has now become very fond of me and calls me everyday and even talks about getting married. During one of our phone conversations, she asked me about my sexual history and I, unable to overcome my inferiority complex, lied to her that I had sex with four girls in college when in fact I am still a virgin and never have had a girlfriend. She went on to tell me that she has had sex with five guys (during and after college years!). I cannot be entirely impartial and say that she "rounded up" or "rounded down" her number of partners, but I have been terribly depressed after learning this. This feeling is further compounded by the fact that while we were together in college and when she refused my sexual advances, she cited her religious upbringing for her self-proclaimed chastity ( and now she tells me that she had sex with guys after she graduated from college). I think that she has probably forgotten that she ever told me about her so-called religious view on sex. In retrospect, I think that I probably wasn't much of a physical specimen to arouse carnal desires in her, and she just evaded my advances and put on a facade of religiosity. I still respect her for who she is, but this entire episode has further deepened my inferiority complex, and I am even more depressed. If I told her that I lied about my 4 fantasized partners in college, our rekindled relationship might again fizzle, and apart from her, I know that I wouldn't have a chance at having a girlfriend ever in my life, let alone getting married. Given that we are in a sort of long-distance relationship right now, I am wondering if she going to be as "chaste" as she claims herself to be now. I am not sure how to handle this situation, and I just keep thinking that I am just an omega-male who now has a girl interested in me, who in fact prefers and has had other alpha-males in the past. Please help me because I am totally confused!:(
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christian, depressed, sexual past, shy, still a virgin Reply to this Question
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male
reader, als77  +, writes (5 January 2011):
I have to agree with Anonymous on Jarnuary 4th. If you want a relationship with this woman, then you should be honest with her. You might scare her away, but will a relationship built on a lie last? I to fit your stereotype and, if you are as insecure that I interpreted, then she will discover your insecureness. Wouldn't it be better to open up to her and be honest NOW (and maybe scare her away) than opening up and being honest later? Or do you want to live with this lie? Maybe you should take the opportunity to confront her with her former answer and be honest about why you lied?
I partially agree with Anonymous on the 3rd. If she refused you for religious reasons, but had sex with others at the same time (while you were a couple?) then she is not a keeper (but the truth is never black/white so she might have an explanation that is acceptable).
If you decide to not tell her about your lie, be sure that you will be able to put it behind you... If you are not comfortable about her story, then I guess you have no other choice than to confront her and tell the truth (even if there is a chance that this might scare her away).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Well, if you want this to go anywhere constructively, you have to stop lying.
That is where self esteem really starts, start being who you are and don't put on what you aren't.
Then, see where it goes.
This advice below...it is simplistic and BS advice.
"She is going to give you nothing but she would be fucking someone else in your place if he was a badder type."
You really don't know the full story, and she doesn't know yours. She may well have had 10 sexual partners, 20 partners, or 50, but she will only tell you 5. She may have only had 3 but told you 5. Bottom line, stop lying yourself.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011): She's had sex with 5 guys, some of them recently, but she says she wants to remain abstinent for religious reasons with you?
You need to walk away from this one. The explanation is a long one and it has been done before and I'm not going to do it here. But the bottom line is you can't win this. All you will get is just more hurt and unfair sexual treatment with her if you stay. She is going to give you nothing but she would be fucking someone else in your place if he was a badder type.
I realize you don't want to give up what you have with her because it's rare for you. But trust me, it's not going to be worth the damage it does to your self-respect in the long run. You will leave her in much worse shape than you met her if you keep going like this.
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