A
male
age
26-29,
*oHelpMeCupid23
writes:Hello, Im new to the Dear Cupid community. I never thought I would resort to a site like this but I really want to save my relationship or get advice whether or not my relationship is worth saving. I know this entry will be a lengthy one.. so please be patient with me, thanks.To start off I would like to give a little bit of background about myself. Im 23 years old and I have only seriously dated 3 people(or so i think), but I have messed around more than that. I have never cheated or have been flirting with other people during my real relationships.My first relationship lasted 3 years with "Katie". My relationship ended when I was caught lying about my age. I promise it sounds so silly but its the truth. nothing more nothing less to the story. I was deeply affected by the break up and was left wondering why me lying about my age, caused a 3 year relationship to come to an end. I've sought help. I looked for groups dealing with compulsive lying. During my attendance in those groups I was told that I didn't really have a lying issue, and I wasn't a compulsive liar. I told ONE lie (about my age) that has carried over since elementary school because i was teased for always being the "baby" of the class. Nonetheless i still felt like a terrible person and took responsibility for our failed relationship. I made a promise to myself that i would never tell another lie. A month later I found out "Katie" was already with a new guy. A guy that she would always talk about, the guy that she told me not to worry about. I was devastated to finally learn the truth that she had been talking to this guy toward the end of our relationship before we broke up. Her friends and my friends kept it from me, I felt betrayed on a number of levels even with our friends, not just her.2 months later I started dating "Suzie" I met her on a dating app and I wasn't really attracted to her. Looking back she resembled "Katie" I felt lonely, I felt that my last break up ended so fast and abruptly. Even tho I had closure, nothing made sense to me. I wanted to be with someone. "suzie"had a terrible personality, she made fun of disabled people, she never had anything nice to say about people, she didn't know what to do with her life, she hooked up with a lot of people and was never in a serious relationship nor seemed to want one... I could go on but ill leave it at that. Basically i wasn't in love with her.... but I made a mistake. The first day we met i told her I loved her (something i really regret) and we messed around and eventually I met her parents because i wanted to feel welcomed like in my last relationship. i spent a lot of money on her. I wanted to feel Liked or Loved. When I realized reflected on myself, what I've done, who I'm with... I realized she was my rebound... I didn't know how to get out of the relationship without hurting her feelings... so I pushed her to the limit. I played the role of being needy. it didn't take much to break her. and she wanted to break up. we lasted 4 months. I was relieved.... but i also felt devastated and empty. i felt i could never meet anyone who id actually want to be with. I felt I would always want to seek someone like "Katie"My 3rd relationship, my recent relationship, the relationship that I want to save and work together on is with "Valerie" we met at work in a whole sale club. she was a supervisor and i was the newbie cashier. I would see her now and then, but we never actually got to talk to each other until a year later. I Felt myself falling for her smile, her amazing outlook in life, her positivity, her humor, her thoughtfulness, her kindness... i developed a crush. I could go on how my crush for her grew, but ill shorten it up and say that i properly developed my feelings, my feelings were not rushed and I felt genuine about her.Long story short, we got closer after my friend got drunk and I needed someone who could take him home, after a night out with friends. I called "Valerie" for help. she couldn't drive so she got someone else to help. But after that night we talked even more.We hung out together. i learned more about her. She was married. She looked asian but I learned she was from 2 southern American countries. we would go to the movies, dinner and we would go to the gym together everyday. people at work started growing suspicions about us, thinking we were dating. I was quick to brush it off because i knew she was married and i respected that. I still had a crush on her tho... I'm only human. but i accepted her to be my friend and only my friend. she would come to me for advice about her 7 year long relationship with her partner. at the time she was disguising her husband as her "BF" but i gave my honest and unbiased opinion. i told her not to give up on her relationship because they lasted 7 long years and i said there HAD to be a reason why they lasted that long...months went by and we teased each other about crushes. this went on for more months. Until one day we were both determined to find out who each of our crushes were. we took a guess and we promised to tell each other the truth.long story short..... knowing how negatively the truth can impact our genuine friendship... i stuck to my promise of never lying again (after my first relationship). and i told her the truth. she was my crush. and shortly after... she fessed up and admitted that I was HER crush.i didn't know how to feel.it wasnt until later that i learned from her that she had broken up with her BF prior to telling me she liked me. She had asked for more advice on her relationship with her bf and she got something out of my advice. i felt responsible for their break up. i felt like a home wrecker.I know what its like to be on the other side of this story. I know what it feels to be broken up with because the other person has feelings for another person.... i felt i ruined a 7 year long relationship....expressed how i felt to her. she assured me that the decision was hers and i didn't influence her to do anything. she was thinking about breaking up with him for a while now.days later she admitted to me that she married her bf for papers. she needed her residency. she felt obligated to be with him because he was STILL helping her till this very day.she made it clear that they were broken up and that he would still help her through the process.after assuring me even more that i wasn't responsible for their break up, we started dating.things were going beautiful, things were great. we learned more about each other, and we had similar views and have similar goals in life. i fell even harder for her.That is, until one day 2 months into our relationship. i caught her in a lie. I was at work she knew I had to stay late. keep in mind we worked together and knew what we had to do at work. she told me she was going to hand with a friend. she made it clear that it wasn't with her (now) ex. i get a text from my friend saying they saw her with her ex.I didn't believe my friend. I trusted Valerie. i called Valerie to see what she was up to, on my break. she said she was with her friend. i told her that my friend claimed to see her with another guy alone. she asked where and i gave her a landmark that my friend saw her near. she confirmed she was there. i got suspicious. i asked her more and more questions and she confessed that she was at her ex's house alone watching movies. my heart shattered. flashback of my first relationship filled my head. i broke down at work and i wanted to meet her in person to break up.after work we met up. she told me this story of how she wanted to hang out with her friend, she called her friend and he didn't pick up. Valerie decided that she should go hang out with her ex because she felt bad for him because she's been blowing him off and he's still helping her with her papers.i was crying. she knew i was hurt because i shared stories of my past and how i've been lied to and cheated on in the past (including and not including my real relationships) i wanted to forgive her because she gave a valid reason. he was helping her with her papers with no strings attached, and its only fair to entertain him so he doesn't flip out and call immigration or not help her. although i was angry and upset and sad with her, i wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. but something didnt add up.i asked to see her phone. she said she called her friend to hang out first but he didn't answer, so she thought she could use that time to entertain her ex. I looked at her call log. she didn't call her friend. she never wanted to hang with her friend. she planned on seeing him while she knew i had to stay late at work.punching my steering wheel outside her house, screaming in my car, tears flying out from my eyes, i felt worthless.it took a while but i wanted to move on.i wanted to put the past behind me. it is still hard to this day to trust because i caught her in another lie later down the road. another lie to hide the fact that she was seeing her ex.i fell apart and became emotionally unstable and tried to kill myself at my new job. i felt myself changing as a person.i felt disrespected. i didn't feel loved. i felt used. i felt worthless.despite Seeing how lying 1 time affected me, she continued to lie 2 more times.my suicide attempt scared her, and claims she loves me and wants to gain my trust. i thought that would be the end of our problems. but there were more issues ahead of us.till this day im working toward trusting her. i took a leap of faith and signed up for a shift that would leave her to be free to do what ever she wants at night on the weekends. i wanted to let go and trust her. but im not perfect. i still take a step back every now and then. i have my doubts and i tell her. and i just hope what she tells me when she tries to reassure me is the truth. no matter how much i recover there will always be permanent scars how the damage that was dealt.months passed by and more and more issues built up, on top of the preexisting issue of trust.i felt unwanted, disrespected, not heard, depressed, hurt, uncared for,, i felt alone in the efforts to fix things.She felt victimized, unforgiven, not heard, hurt, unloved, she felt i want committed, she felt she was wasting her time and she felt INSECURE because of all my past relationships and how my exs try to contact me even when i disregard their messages.through the months my emotions, our problems as a couple grew and grew. more problems popped up faster than we could resolve them.then cam San Diego comicon. we booked a place with her gay best friend, her sister and me.i tagged along because i didn't feel comfortable with her going out of state without me and i was also working on an issue that she had, which was me not getting close to her family and friends. so i felt i was killing 2 birds with 1 stone. i used this trip as a test for me. if things went well with noa rguments, we can get through all this together if not, then we should end things.we didn't even reach san diego and we got into an argument at LAS airport during our lay over. i brushed it off because maybe we were just both tired from our flight and are anxious to finally get to the hotel room and rest.come san diego and we got into more arguments that made me feel unwanted, uncared for, not heard. All issues that iv've explained to her that were deal breakers to me. i felt like giving up, and i told her just that. and she told me the same.i broke up with her. i cried. she seemed distressed but didn't shed a tear. They went to comicon while i stayed at the hotel heartbroken and depressed. i wanted to feel wanted. I went on whisper and vented my emotions and asked to hook up with other people the next day after our breakup. I didn't really want to hook up..... i wanted to feel wanted. i kept asking people on whisper but i never followed through. one asked for pics and location but i stopped responding. i felt wrong. i still loved Valerie. I told Valerie that i still loved her but i don't think that we should be together because we don't understand each other and we constantly get into arguments...Later on Valerie said she wanted to work things out together again. i gave it till the end of our week long vacation to california.things went well and i said i wanted to get back together right before we left california to get back to NJ.4 weeks went by and she went through my phone. she always had my password, I had nothing to hide from her.she saw my messages for hook ups.she felt betrayed and hurt. I explained that we were broken up at that time and i didn't really want to hook up. i told Valerie how i was feeling and why i did what i did. i understood why she would feel hurt. i apologized, but i told her i dont think what i did was wrong because i wasn't going to and we were broken up,she now feels im not committed, not loyal, not trust worthy and betrayed; More issues on top of pre existing trust issues. she later told me she wanted to reach out to her ex because she wanted to seek comfort and reassurance...having known what i did is wrong in her eyes, i try my best to do what she says will make her feel better. I no longer walk away druing fights even tho i need air to thing straight. i give her hugs and kisses even tho we are tense and arguing. i hold her hand when we argue. i tell her how much i love her after we argue. when she asks me how much i love her, I now tell her.but she's still not satisfied. she doesn't see my attempts to make things work. she doesn't see the amount of effort i'm putting in, the amount of pride i have to eat. and shes still not over what happened in san diegoshe says she's trying to get over it, but she holds on to the screenshots, she thinks of more points to point out, she continues to think of all the negative stuff to pull from the situation. meanwhile i'm here reassuring her it wont happen again. i'm trying to bring out the positivity by saying "what we can take from this is that I now know how that makes you feel and it will never happen again."shes now saying she wants to go to san diego comicon again but without me.i feel thats working against what we were originally working toward: Me getting close to her family and friends, trust , me feeling unwanted/ unloved and making decisions together...i told her, instead of doing that, she should invite me and go together. i want to feel wanted and integrated with her friends and family, i wanna be part of her decision. and i want to feel like she's committed to me.i just want to focus on loving each other and going back to when we first fell in love.I know i messed up. i know i hurt her. i know im an idiot. The damage is done. and i want to recover, move on, learn and grow from our mistakes....My question to you is:Is this relationship worth fixing?should i keep trying?How can i make it up to her?How can i help her stop feeling insecure?what keeps you from giving up/ how can i get rid of the feeling of giving up?any other advice is greatly appreciatedI really love "Valerie" I still know what i fell in love with and i see that its still there. I know we can get past these hurdles but i just don't know how much hurt i can take. i don't know if i'm strong enough to see us succeed and grow.Thank you so much for your time and effort for reading my post and giving me your feedback.
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at work, best friend, broke up, crush, depressed, disabled, drunk, fell in love, flirt, get back together, heartbroken, her ex, insecure, liar, money, move on, my ex, text, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, SoHelpMeCupid23 +, writes (28 September 2018):
SoHelpMeCupid23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter continuing to fix this problem, despite all the discouraging advice, we have made little progress. It's gotten to the point where I don't feel loved and cared for and I think it's time to put an end to this relationship. Thank you guys for your advice.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2018):
 You might very well love her but this relationship is not healthy for either of you. You don't trust each other. If she wants to go somewhere alone then she should be able to do that without any issues from you. It sounds to me like you are her rebound. Honestly I cannot see this working and it is only going to get more and more toxic the longer you both try and stay together.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (4 September 2018):
 Absolutely no chance. This whole situation sounds like a clusterfuck.
Very toxic, no trust, very dodgy things going on. You went after a married woman who used someone for residency which in itself shows a lot about her character, that alone for me would be enough reason not to date her. Then she tells you she likes you whilst still being married, another huge red flag. She goes behind your back to hang out with her ex alone, yet another red flag.
Do you see where I’m going with this? She sounds extremely untrustworthy. I’d be leaving the situation ASAP. Having to accompany her on a trip because you don’t trust her is not healthy. That in itself shows the relationship has no foundation. Get rid.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 September 2018):
 You started dating Valerie WAYYYYYY too soon and ended up being her rebound more than anything. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that is how it looks to an outsider.
And you PURSUED (don't lie) a married woman. It doesn't MATTER that she "only" married him for the papers (that makes her SHADY... but still MARRIED!)
And you were so unstable WITH her that you attempted suicide.
That sounds like a VERY toxic relationship for you. And... for her.
My advice (and you aren't going to like it) is that you two take time apart with NO contact and WORK on yourselves.
She ended it with her HUSBAND (he is NOT her BF or ex BF since they are married, no... he is her HUSBAND until the divorce is final.)
SHE needs to figure out what she really wants (and that might be, the be single)
If she wants to go to comic-con, then tell her to have fun! Don't be a stick in the mud. Either you trust and respect her... or you don't. It's NOT up to you to give her "permission" to go.
And you need to get in the right head-space too. You are in no way shape or form ready for a relationship. That is why you two have ALL this drama!
I have been married for over 20 years and haven't had an OUNCE of the drama you two are making.
It all sounds so unhealthy and dysfunctional. And I think you need more stability and calm in your life.
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