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female
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anonymous
writes: I broke up with my fiance a few months ago. He was an emotionally abusive guy, and towards the end of our relationship I started blurting out things like how I cheated on him when we were in arguments-but I never ever cheated on him. Then, shortly after I would say that I really hadn't cheated. We went to my cousin's wedding last summer, and a couple months after her wedding I said that they broke up because he cheated on her even though it wasn't true-I later told him I was lying. I have been cheated on in the past, and so has my sister and she is still with the guy. But, now after we broke up my ex asked if I ever did cheat and I said no, but I'm sure he thinks I did. I don't want him to think I did. I think I lied because I always thought he cheated on me once because his story just didn't make sense, and I guess I was always annoyed that he checked out girls in front of me and was emotionally abusive. Maybe I was trying to see if he cared or I was looking for a way out. I can remember one time at the gym this old guy was hitting on me and I told my ex and he didn't even seem to care. He said he doesn't get jealous, but I said I just wanted to know that he would be there for me if I ever really needed him. My ex has been cheated on before, and though I have never cheated on anyone, it's weird, because I was almost thinking about it while I was with him toward the end of the relationship-why would I do that? How can I forgive myself for saying those things and stop analyzing it all? I want my ex to realize that I broke up with him because he was disrespectful and emotionally abusvie, and I don't want him to think that I ever cheated. Sometimes when I broke up with him so much he put the idea in my head first and said that he would stay with me even if I cheated (he thought that's why I kept breaking up with him). How do I get this all out of my head once and for all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Sorry, I misunderstood. Same advice stands.
A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (16 December 2007):
 Hi,
Your relationship with this man wasn’t very healthy and that can be a reason for you to lie about things. I think you are right when you say that you wanted to get a reaction out of him that he cared about you. Also you have been cheated on before and seen others that you love having been cheated on, this may play a great role in you thinking a lot about this issue. If he was abusing you it may also be a way for you to get back at him by wanting to hurt him as bad as he was hurting you.
I understand that you want him to know the truth about what really happened and that you don’t want anybody to believe you did something really bad that after all you didn’t do. I’m not sure he really believes that you did cheat on him but if you are breaking up it will be easier for him to take that a reason you two split, rather than thinking it was because he behaved badly towards you. If he contacts you again and takes this up, you can try telling him again how you felt about him and what it was that made it impossible for you to continue with him. On the other hand you can also decide to leave all this behind once and for all. What does it really matter what he thinks about you? Forgive yourself for having said things to him that wasn’t true and recognize this as something you did because you were afraid and uncomfortable in this relationship. Turn around and move away from this and you will find a new, better man with whom you will not feel this insecure with, who will make you feel loved and not making you feel you have to lie about things to get a reaction from him.
Best wishes!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI DID NOT cheat on my ex...I don't think you read my question clearly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): 'How do I get this all out of my head once and for all?'
Move on, focus on your life...You know, those things that you were interested in before this person stepped in and are still there even though this person is history?
You made a mistake/bad choice, even if your ex was an abusive jerk. That's probably why you cheated, you were emotionally not having your needs met and this guy was tearing you apart...It happens all the time. Take responsibility, admit you did something wrong, forgive yourself, and make a commitment not to make the same mistake in the future.
You don't have to EVER answer to your ex again, only yourself.
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A
female
reader, starfairy  +, writes (16 December 2007):
 What does it matter what he thinks?
He treated you like dirt in your relationship, just be glad to be rid of him!
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