A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Before Christmas me and this girl got together. We had known of each other for years and used to see each other on public transport but never knew each other liked each other.Fast forward 7 years and I have come out of a long relationship and am not looking for anything. I find her as a friend of a friend of mine on a networking website and we get talking and flirting. Turns out she really likes stuff I am into and we chat about how we fancied each other.A little later she tells me she has got out of the relationship she was in for nearly two years with an alcoholic who used to bully her mentally and physically.We start seeing each other now and again. She gives me lifts home in the car and we hug goodnight and stuff. Some time after we end up hooking up. It seems inevitable. And its great, she can't believe I want to see her again after our first time together.She starts to stay over nearly everynight and its so amazing being with her.Then just after Christmas when we finally agre we are in a relationship, she says she wants time on her own she has things she has to work though and says "Don't think you are loosing a girlfriend think of me as going away to be fixed." She was going to start going to counselling which she ultimately didn't keep doing.She has problems trusting people obviously from past experiences and she also said she was worried she'd hurt me. She says she is a commitment-phobe and had said to me she wanted to commit but was afraid of hurting me.But we to all intents and purposes stayed a couple. Seeing each other a lot and still having sex, and genuinely being happy together. 6 weeks ago she tells me she has told her mum she loves me, wants babies with me and a family and says she is smitten.Then about two weeks ago she tells me she doesn't feel anything at the moment for anyone, not just me. Like where there should be love there is a void. Which is confusing her obviosuly.And then last week, out of the blue, she says she saw no future for us as a couple but wanted to be friends. She said she didn't think we were compatible, but we are and we get on fine. She misses me and wants to spend time with me and still fancies me.She has not been able to explain exactly why she thinks we have no future. I hope this is something she will work through but it seems pretty final. She has so many issues she needs to sort out, but it seems the time apart thatwe have had recently has made me realise just how much I love her and want to be with her and have a family (thoughts I never had till I met her) but she just feels empty, toward everyone. She said at one point she keeps expecting love to hit her all of a sudden. I hope it does.She still rings me and texts me so I am clearly important to her.What do people think of the situation? Some of her friends have said take it with a pinch of salt. Others bide your time. It hurts me not being with her and I know we'd have a great future.
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male
reader, thx1138 +, writes (10 June 2008):
Hi I am the the guy who wrote that question and am now adding a follow up to see if anyone can still help.
About a week after I wrote this I started not contacting her and letting her get in touch with me which she did. Things felt like they were maybe getting back on track. We were more relaed with each other again and enjoying cuddling and being together. I knew we weren't together but things were starting to feel good again. We strated flirting a lot again and we ended up having sex three nights out of a week. On two occasions she turned up at my house unannounced. It was good becasue we were being close and cuddling and she was running her fingers through my hair and we were generaly how we'd been. But after the first time she said she'd used me. But I had a feeling she was just saying that. To sort of protect herself or soemthing.
We continued to be close and it felt nice. I knew things weren't sorted and I just accepted them for being good. And she even rang me one night talking about us having babies again saying she had found someone really special in me and I'd make a great dad but it wouldn;t be perfect as we'd have babies but not be together to which I said "What is so wrong about being with me?" she just said "You know what I mean" I would love a family with her I really would. And then she went away for a weekend and was really happy and sending me messages and being more like she had been with me when we got together.
When she returned she said she had missed me and asked if I missed her and she said she'd been thinking about me. She also said she had nearly brought her things with her to stay over at mine but didn't.
But over the week she seemed to get less keen again and last week was a bit crap. We seemed to be getting on fine and I gave her a book as a present. A book she had when she was young but had lost. And she was so pleased. On the friday she came up to me in the pub and was chatting with me and then the next day I went to her sisters boyfriends gig at a pub and she was there even though I thought she wouldn;t be and she was quite odd with me. Her sister ended up telling me that she'd said she was pissed off I was coming because I'd be watching her and stuff. Something her dick head of an ex used to do but which I never would.
Her sister also told me some quite hurtful things which had supposedly been said about me, so I confronted my ex about it but she put my mind at rest, then went to confront her sister about it all.
I wish I had not been told anything. Anyway so again she is distant and it was coming up to my birthday and she had planned somehting which she said she now thought was inappropriate as it would involve staying in a hotel together! She ended up telling me what the birthday surprise would have been and it would have been amazing. The nicest thing anyone would have ever done for me to be honest and I told her as much.
I pointed out to her that we'd still have a great time if we went and she said she'd probably end up getting grumpy with me (but she'd often get like that anyway) and said again about the hotel. Although she had been down to London recently with her dickhead of an ex in tow and they had stayed in the same room in a hotel!
I care so much for this girl and I know we'd be amazing together if only she could sort her head out which had been the original plan when we had split up initially. I just want the girl I knew before back. Its all so very confusing. I keep hoping she will be drawn back to me again.
She said when we were first together that the more she pushed me away the more she'd want me there and said that she wanted me there to catch her when she fell and things which is what I am doing. I hope I can catch her.
I'd love to have any advice about how I should approach the whole situation and what maybe I should do. I do think it stems from her though rather than anything I have done. She changes her mind a lot very quickly. Do you think there is a chance we will get back together?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Has she ever been to the doctor with these feelings of emptiness, they are a classic symptom of depression.
With all she's gone through it may now just be hitting her. When you have depression you just feel nothing no matter how much you wan't to. I would encourage her to see her doctor and maybe get some counselling. Try googling depression and get some other tips, or see if the other symptoms seem to fit the picture.
Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 I know it's all a bit confusing and her noncommittal attitude isn't helping... but have you tried to speak - directly - with her about how you feel and what you see for the two of you? It seems like your desire to be in a committed relationship with her might be that blow to the head you were hoping for. Something that starts up with somebody she's known and trusted for a long time.
I say take the confession road with her. Tell her how you feel and what you dream about. Think of it this way: life & love are both a risk, but if everyone knuckled under when the chips are following, there'd be a whole lot less of us here, wouldn't there... I say go for it!!
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