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anonymous
writes: I am in love with a wonderful man. Someone who for the first time in my life truly appreciates me, who is gentle with me (unlike my previous partner), who buys me attractive gifts, takes me places and makes me feel secure, feminine and truly wanted. In 3 weeks we had intended to get engaged. But my 21 yr old son who is a drug addict and who is very jealous of my boyfriend has attacked him totally unprovoked on at least two occassions, openly admitting he hates him and is jealous of him. I've tossed my son out of the house and told him to stay away. All his life he has brought trouble to my doorstep. He has been verbally and physically abusive to me and now for the first time in my life when I stand a chance of true happiness he is doing all he can to destroy it. But that's not the problem I'm writing about. The problem is that every time my son comes back to the house and verbally abuses me he demands something - money, meals, clothes to be washed, things for the flat where he's now staying and I give in to him. I know I shouldn't but I can't stop myself. The fury I feel previously seems to evaporate and I give in to him, thinking that this will be the last time. But it's not. He keeps coming back and I keep yielding to him. My boyfriend has told me he still loves me and he made it clear from the outset that he wouldn't allow my son's behaviour to break us up, but now he's telling me that it's not my son's behaviour that is the problem. It's mine. I keep reinforcing my son's dependence on me and enabling him to continue treating me so badly. In a way I see where he's coming from and I know I need to do something, but what? My boyfriend has now told me that he wants to take a break of a week from seeing me during which time I need to think things through and decide where I want to go with all of this. Please, please help me with some really sensible advice, not smart answers, but useful ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2005): I would cut all ties with your son and tell him that you're happy and no matter what he does, nothing is going to break you up. You have to be harsh. I know that he's your son but you cant be treated like this; you deserve more.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (16 May 2005):
 It seems to me that you are very much aware of what the problem is so that is certainly a very good start.Don't be too hard on yourself, though. You are behaving as any good mother would. You are trying to provide for your son even though you know that inwardly it is the wrong thing to do because he is taking you for granted.He is 21 years old which means that he should be able to stand on his own two feet. He doesn't even live with you. However, he obviously has problems in terms of the drugs and his attitude to your partner.This is what I would suggest. When your son comes round next, say to him that you love him and that you want to help him but that you are no longer prepared to give him the material things that he requires. Tell him that you realise he is taking you for granted and that even though you try to help him, he makes life for you and your partner as well as himself, much harder. Suggest that he gets help through drug counselling and that you will go with him but that is all you will do for him from now on. You will be there for him if he wants to chat and needs your support but only if he is polite and accepting to your partner when he is there. State this to him and close the door on him if he doesn't like it. Give him time to cool down. You need to tell him that the buck stops here. There is no more coming from you apart from emotional support.I think you already know that you have to do this. There is no easy way and there is no compromise otherwise, he will continue to ruin your happiness to which you are entitled to. Perhaps he has seen you being treated badly by your previous partner and thinks he can follow in the same footsteps but that is no excuse.This young man has many problems that need sorting out. Your role now should only be to help him with this.Explain to your partner what you are doing.He will be proud of you.I wish you every happiness.
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