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female
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anonymous
writes: Please Help!I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and he has a 9 year old son through a past relationship. When we first met he didn't see him that much but now sees him regularly now and sometime he stays overnight at our house. I feel terrible but I just can't seem to take to this boy at all. I don't know why! My partner's ex has never spoke to me and it annoys me she texts him to tell him what to do. I feel that she makes all demands and because my partner is happy to see his son, does it all the time and mostly I feel inconvenienced and that is harsh of me I know. The boy is very spoiled and asks for money and counts up what he is owed in pocket money, untidy when he comes to house, sometimes I feel he has no manners and when it comes to bed time, he kicks a bit of a fuss. I can't see any future with me and my partner as the way it is there is no room for us ever having a child of our own. I feel resentful and bitter if I'm honest and cant help myself from feeling like this.Help me sort my feelings out.PS; He also told his son that we would take him with us on holiday next year but I can't do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2005): I am also a step parent. I know exactly how you are feeling. I was also a step parent in my previous relationship. His children were 11 and 13 to start with. It eventually killed our relationship. But looking back both of us were at fault. So what I have learnt and applied to my new relationship has made a huge difference. In this relationship it isn't a problem and I love having my partners son around. What I learnt is (1) you have to accept that he is his son and you have to make a huge effort to connect with the child. Don't try and be a mother but a friend. The son is important to your partner so make the son important to you as well. (2) Don't get jealous in any way about his love for the child. It is a different kind of love plus children need lots of love. (3) Talk to your partner about it right from the beginning. Tell him what you expect ie. cleaning room, manners etc.. But also ask him what he wants. Its best to ask and listen first then tell him your concerns/wants. Also tell him you just want to get it right so it doesn't interfer with the relationship. Being a step parent is extremely hard that's why guidelines and boundaries need to be set first. But you also have to be accepting about certain things. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2005): You have been tossed into the role of "step-parenting" this 9 year old child and I don't think you are ready for it. Step parenting can be tough. It tests your patience, your sanity, and the very core of your soul. And if you are not prepared, it will bite into your relationship, causing permanent damage to your relationship.
You have to communicate effectively with your bf. Talking is important in all relationships but an absolute must in step-relationships. It sounds like you are "biting your tongue" and it's eating away at you. Sit your bf down and in a calm, mature manner, discuss all incidents/problems that really bother you. Careful not to put down the boy..that's just plain immature, mean and selfish. Do remember your attitude counts just as much as what you say. Stay positive and be gentle. Don't nit-pick about every little thing. Try to remember, he's this boy's father and their love for each other is unbreakable. Do present you concerns in the form of a dilemma with a question rather than an accusation. Example: The boy seem to have a messy room. So find something that they do well and say: Johnny is so fast on the soccer field. How can we get him to move that fast to clean up his room?" In this manner no one is offended and your point is made. You must form a united front to making his son's visits in your home enjoyable and peaceful.
The most important thing for you to do right now is to always forgive & forget. The step-relationship is like a rose. The child does one thing wrong and a petal falls off. The next time the child does something wrong, two pedals fall off. The next time, three pedals fall off. Soon all you can see are the thorns. With proper nourishment, if you look closely, you can see the buds forming in place of the thorns. Do make a conscientious effort to forget the little things and forgive the big things. Change your focus from what this little boy does wrong to what he does right. Compliment him on the behavior and don't carry grudges or you surely won't see the buds.
With all children, frustrations do stem from expectations. The less you expect the less frustration you will experience. Just try your best to keep everything in perspective and realize that when you got together with your bf, his son was part of the package. I hope this made sense to you. Try to learn to love this little boy-he didn't ask that his parents split up..all he wants is to feel loved and cherished. Try to look beyond his little odd quirks and open up your heart to this boy..try your best and stay positive.
Perseverance, hope, faith and love are the only qualities that can make blending a family a great experience. You have to want things to change, and work at changing them. Nothing comes easy, but when you see that little boy's eyes light up at something you said, or you get a kiss on the cheek – it is the best feeling in the world – and it’s worth all the pain you have gone through to finally arrive at that happy place.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, pops +, writes (25 August 2005):
Tell this to your boyfriend. Since enough time has passed for you to get used to his son, and it hasn't happened, its time to cut the relationship. It sounds like your bf is taking advantage of you. He has a housekeeper, and a sometime lover, a cook, and someone to watch his kid when he is busy. What do you get out this relationship. Tell the bf to take his son and leave.
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female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (24 August 2005):
 This is a very tricky situation for you to deal with reason being you don't want to upset your boyfriend, his son or make waves with the boy's mother. Because the boy is not yours...you can't really discipline him as you wish you could. Children are the world's best psychologists and they test adults alot trying to see what they can get away with. Things like being untidy and not having manners are things I think you can deal with by telling him to keep the place tidy and having the manners. That vacation thing...if you are not comfortable with it ...you NEED to tell your partner that. Men are far from mind readers and he just won't see unless you tell him. Tell him the kid is becoming a little difficult to deal with on your part and you need his help. Clearly I truly think this kid's mom may have a hand in this...and is trying to prove her presence in your partner's life...that is just how baby mama'a are. But you need to make a stand with this and tell him how it is making you feel. His relationship with her is over and all they share is a brat...that is not a reason for your life to be inconvenienced. If talking does not help...talk to the kid in front of him nicely and see how that works. IF all else fails...you may need to reassess your relationship with this guy. His son is there for life and so is his ex...you have a choice how much you are going to stand...good luck
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