A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was with my boyfriend for 5 years when we broke up in August of this year. It felt like a long time coming, but I never thought I'd actually do it. I felt like him and I were more friends than anything else, really. We grew to be SO comfortable with eachother and were in a rut. There were little things that bothered me about him and there were also things like his family and friends that would be an issue each time the subject came up. I felt like we were lacking alot and to this day, can't put my finger on just WHAT we were lacking.So, I broke up with him. He was crushed, begged to work on it, I didn't want to. I started dating a new guy very soon after. We met through a work connection and had kind of flirted for 6 months prior but I never thought anything would come of it. We hit it off and I felt feelings I hadn't felt in a very long time and life seemed to be good. I was proud of myself for standing up and getting out of something I wasn't 100% happy in since I thought I wouldn't.Fast forward to last week. The ex BF text me asking if I was home on Thursday night. He said he had something for me and wanted me to have it. It was a 20 page letter written over the course of the month we weren't together, etc. He also wrote down about 200 thoughts on little pieces of paper all folded up and each piece had a memory about us or a reason to why he loved me. Seeing that, was a huge setback and made my heart just break.I called him on Friday night to tell him I was sorry for hurting him and he came over. We talked and went to dinner and he wound up falling asleep on the couch. The next morning, he went home and called me a couple times after. Talking to him, I felt that weird empty, agitated feeling I had felt before with him. He picked up on it but we kept talking and he told me he didn't want to hang up because he didn't want that to be the last time we spoke. He was crying and of course I was, too. The following day we talked for 4 hours on the phone and the same ol' thing. I told him we'd need to work on us alot and I had so many doubts and questions in my mind, I didn't know that we could work, etc.Overnight I thought about all this and decided for whatever reason I couldn't do it. I emailed him and told him this and he freaked out, left me 20 voice messages, left a 6 page letter on my door, etc. I felt terrible all over again. The thought just weighed and weighed on me. I went out with the new guy and what felt right before then felt confusing and weird and I thought about my ex alot wondering if I did the right thing and thinking about how he truly felt and if I did love him. I know I'll always love him but am still not sure in what kind of way.I emailed him Thursday morning and told him I was confused and was having a hard time putting our past behind me, etc. He told me he was happy to hear all this and understood how I'm feeling and can't stand to lose someone like he's losing me, etc. He told me this will all be okay and that he loves me.I keep thinking about our happy memories... our little trips, our fun outings, etc. I can't even think about the bad anymore b/c I feel so bad thinking about how the last 5 years were and how we did SO much and have SO many memories together. I miss his house, our routine, etc. The thought of losing him to someone else kills me even though I told him he's more than free to see other people. I am, so this has to work both ways. I'm just a mess of confusion. I'm afraid to go back for a couple reasons. I don't want to feel how I once felt and secondly, I am really liking the new guy I'm with and we have a good relationship, so I have NO CLUE what to do.I don't want to be critisized but rather offered advice from anyone who may have been in my situation. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the advice. I appreciate it. I seriously thought about my ex all night lastnight and the thought of totally losing him is killing me. I don't know what to do. I text him this morning and said "good morning, hope you're enjoying your weekend" and he said "I am, thanks" and nothing more. That kinda hurt me. I know there are so many hurt feelings but I don't want to lose him.
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 September 2010):
 Think about it if you went back to the ex would the little things or whatever your relationship lacked in the first place still be there? Would it go right back to being the same thing? First I think you need to first really figure out what that relationship lacked..But at the same time tell him to give you space because he is totally crowding you. Then make a pros and cons list of both guys. The answer will be clear. I know 5 years is hard to swallow but there's a reason you broke it off not to mention you weren't 100% happy with him. I will say in his defense it's not like he lied, cheated, or stole..the only fault I'm seeing is some clinginess on his part. How much are you into this other guy? More or less he's a rebound so it would be easy to break up with him but you're afraid of going back to your boyfriend and it being the same old. Find out why you broke it off, tell your ex why you did it..then if the fault lies with him maybe he could work on it. However, if it's because you're not happy, then I'm afraid it won't change even if you went back to him. Then you're better off moving forward with the rebound. Think!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo you think I should go back with the ex? I'm having a he'll of a time putting the past five years behind me. He is a great person and maybe I'm stupid. It'd be so easy had I not met the other guy. I'm really missing the ex but am afraid to give up the new guy. Oh man. How did I get myself into this???
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (18 September 2010):
Holy shit a 20 page letter in only a month of being broken up! And for a guy to come up with 200 thoughts, either he's sweet and has a way with words..or it can be a little creepy. 20 voice messages is excessive, very unnecessary..The whole time I kept thinking why did you break up with him, is it because you just weren't happy anymore? In order to really break it off with this guy you're going to have to cut off contact and let go of him completely. That's if you want this other guy. Which is it being happy, or going back to being unhappy? Take some time to think for yourself in what you want, tell your ex that he needs to give you space and for him to respect it. No more letters, it's a nice gesture but it needs to stop because it's only clouding your mind. You can't love him in the way he wants or deserves, you love him like a friend. You're going to need to tell him that and cut off contact with him for now. Maybe he can handle being friends in the near future but now he's not ready.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2010): Wow woman. I know how you're feeling to a T. Granted, my ex and I were together only two years and he was emotionally and on occasion, physically abusive. Definitely not a healthy relationship right there. Anyway, have you ever mentioned your long phone conversations and the fact that your ex slept on your cough to your boyfriend? Yes, you feel bad about how your ex is feeling but what about how your new guy is probably feeling?
I really do not mean to sound harsh here (like I said, I know what you're going through) but you have to consider your boyfriend's feelings and of course, your own. You say the reason you broke up with your long-term boyfriend is because it became "too routine". So, you're saying you want more spontaneity and spice in your relationship? Did it ever occur to you that maybe you and your new guy will fall in the same place come five years from now?
You should reconsider what your ex is telling you and talk to him about what needs to be done in the case where you try to get an "us" (meaning you and your ex) back again. Good luck and in the end, the ball is your court.
For now.
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