A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for about 15 months. Before we decided to take that step, we were best friends for about 5 years. The problem is a few months ago, we began to fight a lot. Last month, I finally decided I cant be in such an unhealthy relationship anymore. We decided to go on a break to try to save our friendship before our fights destroy it, and to see if A) we can be happy without each other and B) if we get along better if we are apart. I told him that eventually we will have to decide if we want to get back together or if we are happier apart and should stay that way. Since then, all he does is try to romance me, be a perfect gentleman and he acts the way he used to at the beginning of the relationship. I on the other hand, have realized that its probably better that we are not together anymore. Since we broke up, he has realized how much he desperately wants to change his ways and be with me. He is a wonderful, generous, kind, sensitive guy who has every quality I look for in a man except one. I began to realize that aside from all our issues when we were together, he is just not intellectually stimulating enough for me and I'm left feeling unfulfilled. But I love him so much and I would be so lonely if I were to lose him as my boyfriend AND as my best friend (I know he would too). Its breaking my heart to know I have to break his...he is trying SO hard to be everything I need and more. It kills me how amazing he is yet I feel so empty. At first I enjoyed being able to teach him things, but now it just gets tiresome to not be able to have an intelligible conversation about my interests (we dont share many common interests). In this way, I know he feels similar in that he used to enjoy learning things from me, but now he tells me I make him feel like an idiot (which makes me feel horrible as well). This is more difficult now that we are on a break because he doesnt know that i feel this way and he would take serious offence to it - he would feel so hurt thinking after all his efforts, the reason he couldnt save the relationship is because he "an idiot" (as he commonly refers to himself as).He is such an understanding person, but i am dreading breaking his heart. I know what i have to do, but i have no idea how to do it. This is also extremely difficult because we have the same social circles, and we are very close to each others' families. I keep telling him that no matter what, it is not a question of how much we love each other. But he says if thats the case, why cant we be together? I could never say to him "its because if im going to be in a relationship, the guy needs to be smarter than you are." PLEASE HELP ME.
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a break, best friend, broke up, get back together Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you guys so much for your answers. Upon reading them and gathering encouragement from them, I decided to give the relationship another try... If it still isnt working or i am still feeling unfulfilled, I will know why and then know what to do. I like the advice you gave on how to delicately and sensitively break it to him without mentioning the offensive stuff, so thank you. It was nice to get advice from a male perspective as well. Thank you, i was really broken up about this until i read all of your encouraging responses, that really helped me put things into perspective and feel better. :D
A
male
reader, 11muds11 +, writes (17 December 2010):
If it's not there for him, it's not there. No one can begrudge you that. I think you should never tell him that he's not your conversational equal. Simply state that when you're apart everything is OK, but when you're together the chemistry just doesn't work and you're not happy. In the future this will pop up again and you both may be unhappy.
I hope this helps.
PS "That's what friends are for!" I know many women who have been happily married for a long time and who have the same intellectual problem with men as you. What did they do? They found a smart group of friends. One of the postive parts to this is that smart friends tend to gossip and tear down their partner a lot less. They, too, are looking for stimulating conversation and not the gossip of the day. Very healthy for any relationship.
But there's something in their man that makes them swoon. For one, it was how good a man and father he is. But she broke up with him for a while until she realized she didnt' want to lose this. But if there's nothing that makes you swoon, I can totally see your thoughts. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, annasophia wyck  +, writes (17 December 2010):
I agree, that is heart breaking. Nice guys these days are few and far between. Give yourself a break and take time to introduce alot of stuff that interest you and see if he will take the time to become famiiar enough with it so both of you can find common ground. Or, if you want out and cant bring yourself to give an honest anwser (which i agree) is very crude and hurtful, tell him a white lie and move on. Hopefully you can remain friends and who knows maybe in a few years you can try again and be on the same page.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): rough, rough rough um try to get friends who are more involved with what you are involved in... my boyfriend is a lot less smart then me and I tease him about it but it doesn't really bother either of us i mean it doesn't get in the way of anything, since i am such a bookworm and i have my family and my friends to go to and obviously you shouldn't just let him go because he cant really have an intellectual stimulating conversation, oh and don't dumb yourself down for him never a good idea...
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