A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been thinking of leaving my boyfriend for about a year, but I feel completely lost and helpless. We've been together for three years, but I feel like most of the time he has been emotionally and psychologically abusive. At the beginning of the relationship, I had a strong group of friends and I felt great about being single, and when I began dating him, I felt as though I had begun a new and exciting chapter of my life.For the past two years I know that he has cared about me, but instead of showing his feelings in any kind of conventional way, he has become overly protective of me to the point that he is jealous of any friends I have, male or female. I feel as though any kind of interaction with another person will upset him and I don't even feel like I have my own group of friends. He invents various situations of me cheating on him, though I think cheating is one of the most despicable things someone can do in a relationship, and I have NEVER done it. Ironically, he's cheated on me loads of times. In fact, he's done it in front of me. I know that this is not a healthy relationship, and that most people in my situation would immediately break up with this person and rely on a network of friends to get through such an emotional mess. However, I feel as though I have no network, no friends who will look at for me because he has "conquered" everyone and told them that I don't like them or that I have said horrible things behind their backs.I know that I need to be out of this relationship, and it's really complicated because when things are good with this guy, it's absolute bliss. This makes it infinitely hard to leave him because he always reminds me of the good times we've had together. However, 10% of the time it's absolute emotional carnage and I feel depressed, lonely, rejected, objected, cheated-on and completely worthless.I not only want to leave this guy, but I want to do it with dignity, making sure that he doesn't understand it to be some kind of pathetic appeasement to the treatment I've suffered for several months. I hate that I have become such an obsessive, needy, possessive person, and I know that it's not healthy to feel this way about someone who treats me so badly. I know that this personality I've adapted isn't a true representation of who I really am, and I know that I desperately need to move on from my current situation.I need help finding a way to regain my friends or to make new ones and to leave him, making sure that he knows exactly how hurtful and destructive he's been to me. This is just such an embarrassing problem, but I don't feel like I have any other people to turn to because anyone I confide in will eventually tell my boyfriend how I really feel, and he will belittle me until I feel completely disgusted with myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so, so much for your help and support. I'm just at the end of my rope and I don't have anyone else to turn to, and I know that I can't get through this by myself. I've looked into therapy and I think I'm going to call for an appointment tomorrow. I've spent the entire day thinking of ways that I can get the resources I need to go through this.It's funny because I have seen TV shows of people in abusive relationships and I always think, "why are you so stupid? Just leave him!" but now I understand how truly painful and difficult it is. I feel like I'm trapped and everyone who was once close to me is now turned against me.Like I said, I think 90% of the time it's a fabulous relationship. We have little quibbles, but I really do enjoy the good-natured banter because I think it's a healthy way to retain an open line of communication. During the good times, he's my best friend and confidante and I feel like the people with whom I am no longer friends don't matter because I have someone who will always "be there" for me. I now know that this is a dangerous way to be in a relationship and in doing so, I have isolated myself and allowed my boyfriend to control my social life. Not to mention, that last 10% of the "bad times" is just so awful that I can't bear it and I don't have anyone to turn to for support.I'm an introverted person, so it's unusual for me to ask for help in this context. People usually take my quietness to mean that I am not friendly, but in fact, I love being around people. I just feel like most of my friends have abandoned me because my boyfriend has highlighted this aspect of my personality to them.The worst part is, I have been aware that his behavior is not acceptable, and for a while when I would try to reason with him, he would convince me that I am crazy or too codependent or whatever. And I believed him! I have questioned my own sanity and wondered if I'm overreacting about him holding hands with a girl he just met, or kissing my (former) best friend, or sleeping with someone while I'm on a trip during an ambiguous and ill-defined point in our relationship, or lying to me about doing these things, therefore justifying his behavior. I believe this to be the reason that I have put up with mistreatment for so long, but I know that I would be extremely critical of any woman who made excuses like I have. I know that I need to start respecting myself but I'm just scared to leave and start my life over from scratch.
A
male
reader, The old Man? +, writes (1 February 2009):
 You are an honest person!
Getting out of this relationship is definitely in your best interest. No one deserves to be cheated on! Let alone all of the other mind bending things he's done.
It's usually an abuser who will chase off the friends, and in time, turn your family members against you. That way, they have you all to themselves.
As far as finding new friends or regaining your old ones, that sounds difficult as he has turned them against you. Do I understand that correctly?
If this is the case, you'll more than likely have to make the break alone. I don't know what you define as "dignity", but building up the courage and walking out is in itself an act of self respect!
Another option of networking friends is online. I realize that they aren't physically right by your side, but they will be there for you nonetheless! At the same time, they are friends he can't get to, and turn them against you.
If he is this controlling, even after you go, he will more than likely still bother you. That's where you'll have to be prepared to do what it takes to get him to leave you alone.
(That's another subject in itself).
He will not admit that he is wrong. If he cheated in front of you, he has no conscience.
I know this doesn't give you the direct answer you seek, but I hope it helps. If you want to talk, feel free to e mail me.
Joe
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2009): No friends? Get support from family and some organisations which were set up to provide emotional support to victims of abuse. Not worth having him around just for that few seconds of nicey nicey feelings. You deserve a better one. Get out before it's too late.
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