A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I'm looking for your help to cope with having a termination of my pregnancy last week. I had been on the pill, and it was an unplanned pregnancy with my bf of 7 months. We spent a long time discussing it, and decided it was too soon for us to have a child (we don't live together, are not financially stable, and are still getting to know each other), and that it would be best for us to terminate the pregnancy.It was a tough decision for both of us. We do love each other, and have previously talked about wanting to move in with each other and have children in the future. I felt sad about letting our baby go, and he felt sad too, but that it was the right decision in the long term.He came with me on the day of the abortion and has tried to be supportive, but I don't know how to get better from this and how to support him. I feel sad, guilty, but slightly relieved (which makes me feel more guilty). I feel like I'm a bad person, that I'm cursed because, although it was a joint decision, I was the one who swallowed the pills to abort the baby.My bf thinks we can get through this and get stronger in our relationship, but I really need some advice on how we can best get through this and support each other through it.Thanks.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Perhaps the place that gave you the abortion have some post-abortion counselling help - I think maybe this is what you need. You should contact them and ask what help they can offer you now.
My experience is that the guilt, etc, never really goes away, and my relationship with the person with whom I had an abortion never recovered. I suffered a lot with the feelings of grief, shock and guilt, for years, really, but perhaps it would have been better if I had had counselling (I say only perhaps, because there is only so much talking can do).Yes, you also feel bad right now because of the hormonal shock, and that can take several months to right itself, but the emotional side needs attention.
I think you need professional help. I can tell you how I felt, but that won't necessarily be how you felt. I felt the most abject despair imaginable, and horror, but I am almost tired of saying this on this site because people just bob up and say 'oh, don't worry, you'll bounce back, it'll be fine' - well, I think that is not really the case. Yes, you'll be ok. Yes, your life will rediscover a kind of normality. Yes, one day this event will be years, decades even, behind you. But it won't leave you, because you will always, somewhere, be aware every year of how old your child would have been, etc. So, I think I would say: you will find a new way of living, in your new world, where this thing has happened, which you can't un-do.
Don't feel guilty, though. Abortion is touted as a sensible solution: you listened: you did what was advised. That isn't your fault, or your responsibility, really. Those who know more than you told you it wd be ok. They are the ones to blame, really. Don't blame yourself. You just did as you were told, as we all usually do.
Incidentally, I have now learnt not to do what they tell me! ; )
It will be ok, kind of. Someone has been lost. Life goes on.
A
female
reader, pamerjamer  +, writes (3 July 2011):
Are you judging yourself from what others think or what you truly believe. I don't believe in a right or wrong, sometimes things just happen. I had an abortion at 21 just been divorced new relationship, we used protection, yet it happened. I was so confused from the divorce, my boyfriend and I had just broken up. I put it in the back of my mind for 9 years. Then I married again and we had our first child. Now I have 2 boys. THe feelings came up big time, not necessarilly just guilt, more of a feeling of loss that I had not faced, was that child a boy or girl, they would have been 9 years old. Walk through the pain for unless you do it will affect your life, feel the loss, cry if you need to, then go one. What you feel is natural and I don't like to use the word healthy,yet it is. You had a huge decision to make. To be honest in this day and age the world is getting so bad. My boys are grown now yet Have had such a different life then I. The violence, kids shooting each other. Anyway the fact you are feeling all this shows you are a caring person. Let yourself and your BF grieve the loss, yet don't let it run the rest of your life. Go on and as he said it can make you stronger or tear you apart the decision is up to the two of you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 July 2011):
 First, you are feeling a ton of emotions, I'm sure. This may sound anticlimactic, but being pregnant delivers a massive hormone cocktail to your brain, and ending a pregnancy sends those hormones out of whack. What you're feeling is your body's reaction to the wild spikes of hormones racing through your body.
This will also sound a bit cold, but don't worry about supporting him right now. This is about you. You went through it. You had the pregnancy. You took the drugs. You are dealing with the hormones. You're wrestling with how to feel and sorting things out in your own soul.
It's possible that you and your BF may get closer, but it's possible that you might not. The only sure thing is that you need a lot of support and people to talk to. I know that this is something I'm sure you don't talk about with everyone, but if you need to, and your feelings become overwhelming, talk to a doctor about possibly getting something to help with those hormones. Look up resources for someone to talk to as well to help you sort out how you're feeling.
You are not a bad person. Your decision is only right or wrong if you feel it is. It is a highly personal one, and other people can't tell you whether it was right or wrong, good or bad. The choice was yours and yours alone, since the pregnancy was yours and yours alone. You did what you felt was best for you. Will you go back and forth and second guess? Of course you will. But you didn't make it out of malice or as a "bad" person.
Hope that helps some.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Hi, I went through this almost exact situation a couple of years ago. My partner and I were together when I got pregnant after 7 months of being together and living together, and I thought I had an implant.
He didnt want to talk about it, so I went to see a pregnancy and abortion councillor. It helped being able to talk about it. I have always wanted childeren, and I wanted them very much with him (I still do) so I felt a lot of guilt about not wanting my make our lives harder and not just "manning up". I think a lot of people expect you to be so depressed and sad about the termination, that they forget the releif that comes with it, but that releif can also cause a lot of guilt.
If your parnter is ok to talk about it, then talk to him, it sounds like you have a good solid relationship. Looking back now, I wish I had gone to get couples councilling, just because my partner finds it very difficult talking about his feelings, and it was the lack of communication with him that made getting through that recovery time the hardest.
Communication is key. And let yourself mourn your loss, just because you mode the decision, it doesnt mean you cant mourn. Take the time you need to be sad, cry and recover. Then get back into normal life and enjoy all the pleasures it can give you :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2011): Hi. I would just like to say I am incredibly sorry you have had to find yourself in this position. I had an abortion when I had just turned seventeen, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, but like you knew I knew it was for the best. I had my whole life ahead of me and I'd only just started my AS Levels. I went through it alone, because I was ashamed to tell anyone. I had been with an older man, who had forced me to meet him and I was naïve and I did. And a month or so later I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want to know. You’re boyfriend sounds wonderful. You should not feel guilty. If you’re not prepared for a child what kind of life is it going to have? You did what was best for you (and for the child) at the time and although it may appear harsh you should not feel guilty. I feel you and your boyfriend can get through this together. Communication is key, tell each other how you feel. Write it down if not? It’s good you have each other. Counselling may be useful for you. Hmm I’m not sure this can be of any use. I wish you all best and I hope you both get through this
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A
female
reader, RainyJune +, writes (2 July 2011):
I have a lot of admiration for you to make such a mature decision like this and you obviously have a very supportive partner who you should lean on through this and in turn support him. While children are wonderful additions to a family (i have three :) ) its also nice to be able to spend quality time with just you and your partner. Although personally its not something i would be strong enough to do and i do have strong views of late abortions i also remain supportive of people like yourself that do not feel like its the right time. You are entitle to make that choice and you have plenty of time to settle with your man and plan a family when the time is right. I would first advice you do allow you and your partner to grieve and talk about how you feel. There is no right and wrong way to feel but dont let yourself be dragged into a lifetime of contemplating what has happened. You have to start looking forward to your future and enjoying the time you and your partner have as a couple with no children. This is a wonderful time for any couple and is their to be enjoyed and for you both to grow from. Children bring a whole new happiness into people life but its ok for you to decide when this happens.Secondly speak to your doctor about alternative pills. Were you taking the pill with the 7 day break? If so avoid any pills with the break. I fell pregnant twice with these pills and eventually discovered by my doctor that the 7 day break is too long. I personally favour the merena coil. No periods, no pills and 4 years of protection. Good luck and dont be hard on yourself. xx
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