A
female
age
41-50,
*illow1998
writes:I had an affair with a married man for 1.5 years when his wife discovered the affair. She made him leave and because I knew how much his son meant to him, I helped him get set up in an apartment near his home and have paid for his rent for the last year. (I know I sound absolutely codependant but I'm stuck) I have suspected that he and his wife have been working on their marriage and I'm still very much the 'secret'. He won't tell me he loves me although he says he cares about me. I was led to believe though that he wanted me in his life until he got through his divorce. However there is no divorce and I know he is lying to me and to his wife. I was "snooping" at his apartment because I suspect that he's lying to me about his relationship with his wife and found a Valentine's Day card from her saying she is happy to how far they have come, the possibilities ahead and a new beginning. I guess the easy answer is to walk away but I love him and wonder if I should stay and ignore what I know or tell him that I snooped and what I found. I'm a mess because I have invested so much emotionally and financially to this guy...any advice (no matter how obvious and blunt) is appreciated. What do I do and how do I do it?
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affair, divorce, married man Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): He is married to her and they are working on their marriage. But out.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 February 2008):
 When it comes to love, women leaves their brains behind.
You can read more from my take here ;-
http://www.pinksuzie.com/2007/05/20/why-intelligent-professional-and-sometimes-very-beautiful-women-can-get-conned-of-their-money-and-love/
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Hi HunYour heart will tell you one thing your gut instinct will guide you in another direction GOOD LUCK WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, willow1998 +, writes (23 February 2008):
willow1998 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all for the advice and opinions. i am not oblivious to the obvious and i guess i wonder why it's so hard when you have all the information you need - and than some - that it's so difficult to just cut and run....which is something i really wished i did a long time ago. it's funny because i am very successful and work very hard to get where i am professionally and i don't want to throw that all away when at 32 i could be living any life i want. but i'm choosing this one and it bothers me - the life as a rescuer and a caretaker - and it's frustrating to know one thing but feel another. anyway, i do appreciate the feedback, even the harsh reality that i am a "sucker" and being used in all of this. it's a mess and you have to wonder how you could keep your eyes closed or your head in the sand. i know i'm looking for the easy way out - he tells me he's going back to her or i "catch" him without snooping in his things but i know i am only hoping for the simple exit.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): Hi ya!
This has cracked me up really, being a victim of adultery. Brought me a sought of twisted personal pleasure really, to see you get sharfted! (I'll have to work on that!)
Maybe it's true what they say, "what comes around, goes around!"
Put it down to experiance!
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A
female
reader, rosabud +, writes (21 February 2008):
I am in similar situation except I am the wife being lied
to, he states he doesn't have her phone and I was stupid enough to believe that except to my surprise she calls me because she wont answer the phone she gave him for her. To my shock I had been lied to again. I would advise you to get away from this guy. There are so many good honest unmarried guys out there that would appreciate you love more. Let his wife live in his hell. Whose to say when you are the wife of his that he wont have a woman on side like he had you. You would be in the same mess all over again. I wish you well what ever you decide. But know that you are the only one that can change this situation to where it will be good for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): Because you are a decent human being and trusting of him you have done these things. Unfortunately he is neither of those so it is time to really open your eyes and please please leave him. Get his stuff out the apartment. Change the locks. Better still get his stuff out and get it on the market. He deserves to live in the gutter really. I would photocopy the card (if you can) and when you dump him just leave it with a note saying "Find some other mug". You can regain your self worth - but you need to act quickly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): I would get out now while you still can. It is not too late. If you have paid for the rent, then surely the place is yours, get it back off him and kick him out. He is a grade A PIG! Getting his marriage back on track while having you on the side, walk away now. Dont even look back. I wouldnt put up with that and you do deserve better.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 February 2008):
 The word "sucker" springs to my mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2008): Hi Sweetheart
You dont need to tell him you have snooped just get away, He is keeping is options open, Telling his wife he wants to work on there marraige and keeping you on the side just incase it doesnt work out. CAKE AND EAT IT! Springs to mind. Im sure you can find someone else and your money troubles would be halved, come on hunny he is using the fact you are paying for him to work on his bloody marriage..Dickhead also springs to mind ( sorry you obviously have feelings) Sort it out tell him to move back in with his wife even if it suits them both that living apart may be helping there marriage its not helping you is it....GET STRONG GET RID AND GET A NEW MAN THAT WANTS ONLY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hope that wasnt to blunt love dont want to hurt your feelings TAKE CARE WITH LOTS OF LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 February 2008):
Cut your losses and run. The longer you wait , the more you will bleed .
Before the Titanic sinks , jump ship or it will drag you all down to the bottom.
He is just a fence sitter and will never divorce his wife and he is only using you and in the end , you will have nothing .
Don't built your house on sand,when the storm comes, it will be gone.
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A
female
reader, Variety  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 Stop paying his rent and get him out of the apartment. He is a liar and is now cheating on the two of you by having secret relationships behind both you backs. What does he expect? That you will believe his divorce takes forever to come through? Leave him and his wife to their own mess. When he becomes homeless she will wonder why and will hopefully find out what he was doing. But that is her problem not yours. The best you can do is cut him out of your life and try and get past it.
Message me if you want to chat. x
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