A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:I have fallen in love with my mistress but I still care for my wife. I did not set out for this to happen. When I first met my mistress, I knew instantly I was head over heels for her. It started out as mostly physical as she is beautiful and much younger than I am. I never thought I stood a chance. But she showed interest back and one day it happened between us. It is a day neither of us will ever forget.As our relationship progressed, I learned more about her. That she is smart, funny, has a big heart, is supportive, loving, affectionate and a million other things. I gravitated towards her because my wife stopped having sex with me about 10 years ago. It was a problem which could not be fixed. Enter this beautiful lady and I could not resist her. There was a spark from the very start. I have found many women to be attractive but there was an undeniable connection and chemistry between us that I have never experienced before.Now I am in love. I know it. But I have been married to my wife a very long time and I am afraid to change my life. My wife and I still get along. I am afraid of all the consequences. At least I know what to expect with her. I do not know if I can take a gamble on my mistress. I worry that she may get tired of me because I am older and will not be able to perform sexually far sooner than she is ready. She is in her prime and loves sex. What if she leaves me for a younger man? What if she will resent having to take care of me when I am older? When I cannot satisfy her anymore? I am afraid of this. I am afraid I will be alone. I have been with her for two years. And in that time, she has proven herself loyal to me. I know she would want to take care of me and I know she loves me but I worry for her. I do not want her to waste her life on an old man when she can still be living her life.I am with my wife for comfort and security. I love my wife as my good friend. We have a brother and sister type relationship. This other woman makes me feel alive again. Young. She awakens my soul. I feel I have a true relationship with her both physically and emotionally. She meets all my needs. I can talk to her about anything and laugh with her about anything. This is not the case with my wife. And I am happy with her. I feel good about myself with her. I cannot imagine being without her. I have left her out of guilt and fear twice but returned to her because the thought of not having her in my life was unbearable. It is hard carrying on a double life but I cannot let her go.I am in a tough spot.Any advice would help.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 November 2014):
 So, "Husband", every day that you do not leave your wife makes the very words that you type on here about the flowery feelings for your mistress are WORTHLESS.
From August 2013 until now, you've been sitting on your hands, eh? Please.
I believe in truth on here, and I must level with you. You are the mistress and you just wrote a fantasy thinking that you'd be a "catfish" and try and prove us wrong about married men not falling in love with their mistresses.
Before you deny it, the mods can see your IP address, and I'm guessing that you're not living with your married guy.
Let me tell you something - if you truly think that this guy feels all of this flowery stuff for you as you're confident that he is, then tell his wife anonymously and see how fast he runs to you after she finds out.
No? Too scared?? You can't "do that to him"? See, with your trust issues, you know he won't choose you. In fact, he'll trip over himself trying to tell his wife how little you mean to him, and that it's love with her and he has no idea with you.
Stop deluding yourself.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 November 2014):
 Your wife cheated on you, not buying it. But I'm not really buying any of this. I think, since you really don't want any advice and are not really asking a question, that you are just trolling...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 November 2014):
 So, as you are the man in the equation, what is your question, exactly? You said you welcomed any advice. But apparently you aren't able to put together a coherent question still.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2014): Celtic Tiger,
It is the original poster.
My wife HAS cheated on me before during the course of our marriage. Before she went off sex. I forgave her. We never did have an exciting sex life anyway. She just couldn't be bothered now. Nothing is physically wrong with her. At my urging, she had herself checked last year. She says she is not attracted to me that way anymore. She does not have an interest in having sex. And she would resent me when I asked her for it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2014): Hello Tisha.
It is I, the original poster.
Last time I checked, I was a man.
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (14 November 2014):
 I just wanted to throw something else into the mix.
What if this situation was reversed. I give you another scenario. YOUR words, adapted to your WIFES point of view.
*****
I have fallen in love with my toyboy but I still care for my husband.
I did not set out for this to happen. When I first met my toyboy, I knew instantly I was head over heels for him. It started out as mostly physical as he has an incredible sex drive, muscles to die for and is much younger than I am. I never thought I stood a chance. But he showed interest back and one day it happened between us. It is a day neither of us will ever forget.
As our relationship progressed, I learned more about him. That he is smart, funny, has a big heart, is supportive, loving, affectionate and a million other things. I gravitated towards him because my husband stopped having sex with me about 10 years ago. He could no longer get an erection, and could not satisfy me. It was a problem which could not be fixed. Enter this handsome man and I could not resist him. There was a spark from the very start. I have found many men to be attractive but there was an undeniable connection and chemistry between us that I have never experienced before.
Now I am in love. I know it. But I have been married to my husband a very long time and I am afraid to change my life. My husband and I still get along. I am afraid of all the consequences. At least I know what to expect with him. I do not know if I can take a gamble on my toyboy. I worry that he may get tired of me because I am older and do not have the body of a young woman. He is in his prime and loves sex. What if he leaves me for a younger woman? What if he will resent having to take care of me when I am older? When I cannot satisfy him anymore? I am afraid of this. I am afraid I will be alone. I have been with him for two years. And in that time, he has proven herself loyal to me. I know he would want to take care of me and I know he loves me but I worry for him. I do not want him to waste his life on an old woman when he can still be living his life.
I am with my husband for comfort and security. I love my husband as my good friend. We have a brother and sister type relationship. This other man makes me feel alive again. Young. He awakens my soul. I feel I have a true relationship with him both physically and emotionally. he meets all my needs. I can talk to him about anything and laugh with him about anything. This is not the case with my husband. And I am happy with him. I feel good about myself with him. I cannot imagine being without him. I have left him out of guilt and fear twice but returned to him because the thought of not having him in my life was unbearable. It is hard carrying on a double life but I cannot let him go.
**********
Now if YOU were in your wife's position, what would YOU think?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (14 November 2014):
You say you care for your wife. But you don't. Not really.
You are USING your wife, like a comfy pair of old slippers.
You are USING your wife, like a housemaid.
You are USING your wife, for financial gain alone.
If you CARED for your wife, you would never have taken a mistress.
If you CARED for your wife, you would have asked WHY she no longer wanted sex, not acted like a petulant child who was denied sweets.
Women do not stay nubile young things for ever. It is a fact of life that everyone ages. WHY DONT YOU GET THIS? You are punishing your wife, for being normal. For getting older.
Did you ask your wife why she no longer wanted sex?
Was she suffering with the menopause? FYI this can be one of the most traumatic periods of a woman's life, with hormonal changes that she HAS NO CONTROL OVER. The body changes and sex can become PAINFUL.
Have you taken even one minute to think about her? Or have you only ever thought about your own sexual gratification?
Have you thought that your wife no longer feels sexy? Perhaps she feels old. Perhaps she feels now she is old you don't care or fancy her (which is true).
I bet the answer to all those things is no. I doubt you know anything that is really going on in her head, because you cant be bothered to ask.
If you cared anything about your wife, you would get a divorce and set her free, allowing her to find someone who actually loved her.
You say this "mistress" is everything you want. The answer is very simple. If she is that great, divorce the wife and be with her. Relationships are about risk. If you wont take that risk, then don't moan. You cant have your cake and eat it. But remember that YOU are not the only person in this situation. YOU are not the only one whose opinions count.
But I warn you. Your mistress will not stay young. She will not stay sexy and free. As her biological clock starts to tick down, she too will begin to act differently. Perhaps she will want children. Perhaps she too will go off sex, and prefer to be treated to shopping trips instead.
The grass is not always greener on the other side, so be careful what you wish for.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2014):
Okay, so what help exactly do you need? You are in a tough spot that you put yourself in. Do you want help getting out of the tough spot? Do you want help accepting the tough spot? What exactly do you expect?
Defne your question. You wrote "any advice would help." Obviously, you had a different expectation.
What is the question you want answered?
The whole post makes me believe it is the other woman writing the post because she can't formulate the male side of it in a coherent question.
Sorry you are in a difficult emotional spot. This often happens to the other woman as she can never be sure of the married man's true motivation and commitment to her.
If I were all that amazing and young and hot I would not waste my time on a married man who so obviously will never leave his wife. Complete and utter waste of energy. Especially as this MM appears to be all worried about his sexual 'performance,' next step, the little blue pills!
Where do I get the wisdom? You mean the right to comment, don't you? If you only want people who have been unfaithful to their spouses or significant others you may have to make that plain at the start.
This particular poster has had an extremely volatile affair from the start, based on the accumulated posts, and seems to keep on moving ahead with disaster, despite lots of advice counseling ending the affair (and not just mine).
My dear, if you wrote this question from his POV hoping to get some insight into his psyche, well, then you need a different forum, one with the married men who talk about cheating on their wives and wives cheating on husbands. If you are trying to work out if the cheating married man will stay faithful to you, well, there are no guarantees in life, now, are there?
Why keep putting yourself in a position of being worried if this thing will last? Enjoy the moment. If you want commitment, find a guy who is single and can provide it. That doesn't require a background in infidelity to work out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2014): Tisha,I have read one of your past posts and you stated you have never had an affair with a married man.So how come you have so much to say when it comes to these married affair posts? And where do you get all this supposed wisdom on how to advise anyone in this situation?I was hoping for someone who might be in the same predicament to provide insight. Those who have walked in these shoes might understand.All the cookie cutter advice is expected but does not help.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2014):
"She is fire and together our relationship is very passionate and intense. I am looking at it from a logical side."
This post does not have much of the practical logical side of things.
" Will we be compatible for the long term? " Who knows, no one knows this, including your parents, all your friends in relationships and the rest of the world trying to have a relationship.
"Will she leave for a younger man who performs better, lasts longer?" Again, an odd question. Are you struggling with sex and endurance? Even more reason to see your doctor.
" Will she resent ending up with an old man to take care of?" Possibly, if he hasn't been to see his doctor for all his ailments as detailed by the mistress.
" I love her and want her to be happy even if it means finding a guy who can love her full time, who is younger and does not have my baggage. But I do not want this. I do not want to lose her. Not ever."
See your doctor ASAP. You have conflicting points of view going on here. "I love her and want her to be happy" vs "I do not want to lose her"
If this is the man in the question and not the mistress I would say that you seriously do need to see your doctor. You sound exactly like your mistress' previous questions and based on the question and possible hormonal changes you might need medication or other treatment.
If this is the woman who is the mistress, then you also need to see your doctor. You are working through something that needs professional help. You mentioned in one of your previous questions that you have a special needs child, I believe. The stresses on you must be very wearing and upsetting if this is the case.
Recently, I have been dealing with the medical system and aging parent issues. It's very upsetting and I can see how things could get overwhelming if you are the primary care-giver for someone close to you. My heart goes out to you. Trying to sustain an affair with a married man isn't going to be a healthy option, sorry. Best thing to do is to leave that job that keeps you stuck there.
You should begin looking ASAP and I do think that seeing your doctor should be a top priority. You can discuss the turmoil and childcare needs and all those ups and downs that you've experienced in the relationship. Even if you don't tell your doctor, it would be a healthy act on your part to discuss it with a mental health professional.
Best wishes for a happier year ahead.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2014):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/if-he-cheats-to-be-with-you-does.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.html
In one of those threads the OP writes: "I love my freedom. I don't want to be married to him honestly. We have nothing in common except for great sex. He can go home to her." Not a great love story then.
Lots of drama going on there.
So, assuming I'm actually addressing the mistress, I'd say he's not leaving her, despite your sincerest wishes. Sorry.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2014):
Based on the followup, why exactly did you write a question asking for advice? You seem emotionally needy, requiring a great deal of ego boosting. I'm thinking it's time to see your doctor for a thorough checkup including hormone levels. Your doctor should know you are having sex outside your marriage due to higher risk for STDs. (Yes, your sex partner may not be telling you the full truth, it happens all the time.)
Did you want advice or just a venue to broadcast your happiness with your infidelity?
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female
reader, eglantine +, writes (11 November 2014):
Dear OPI would like to communicate with you privately, as I am in the situation of your mistress, maybe it helps you too? Please contact me [via PM}
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): Thank you to everyone who answered my post. I am the original poster of the question.I can't let my mistress go. I know all the truths.And to address the chap who said she demonstrated her true character by being with a married guy, I will say that love happens. I doubt she always dreamt her prince charming would turn out to be some old, not in perfect shape married dude who is 20 years her senior. I was not looking either, not consciously. But my marriage was deteriorated enough by that point that she was able to reel me in. And I was hooked on her from the second I saw her.I have fears with her. I have insecurities. Because she is so young and stunningly beautiful and not only that but she is smart and very funny and fun to be with. She is up for anything. She is everything my wife isn't. I fear I am not good enough for her. I do not feel like I am. I am not as young and not as attractive. I thought she was out of my league. Still do. I feel jealous if she talks to men her age. But she sees something in me. Tells me how handsome I am. How much she cares. She makes me feel so good about myself. Too good to be true. I know how fortunate I am. She is fire and together our relationship is very passionate and intense. I am looking at it from a logical side. Will we be compatible for the long term? Will she leave for a younger man who performs better, lasts longer? Will she resent ending up with an old man to take care of? I love her and want her to be happy even if it means finding a guy who can love her full time, who is younger and does not have my baggage. But I do not want this. I do not want to lose her. Not ever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2014): I have been in your wife's shoes, so it is hard for me to be objective but I am going to give it a try.
First off, you are not being fair to your wife nor are you being honest with her. The home & marriage you share with her is a "house of cards." YOu've already pretty much ruined the stability you THINK you have with her.
Does she know what you have been up to? And do you think that she will ever be able to trust you again? and would she even want you to stay? (Cheating is a deal breaker for most marriages, and the injured party would usually want a divorce anyways).
AND, she deserves HAPPINESS too. She deserves a FAITHFUL man, a LOYAL and LOVING husband. If you cannot be the husband that she deserves, than you should set her free to find a man who is everything that you are not.
You say that your wife is your "Good friend"...but yet you continue to betray her and cheat on her. If you really loved her as a "good friend" you'd have either been loyal, or come clean to her about the affair and tried to reconcile the marriage.
MAYBE you shouldn't be married...maybe you shouldn't be in a commitment with either woman. Some people just can't stay loyal or faithful to one person for the rest of their life--and there's nothing wrong with that if you don't get married, and just date.
As for your fears that this other, younger woman will tire of you and leave you for a younger man...
Well you should have considered all of that before you got involved with her. YES, that can and probably will happen. At least you are honest with yourself about that. I think you are realizing what comes around goes around, and rightly you should...
And, if you are that insecure about moving on to your mistress then maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you are slowly losing yourself in a false persona to be with this woman...? we all tend to do that when we are swept away in passion. I don't think it's so much that you are "in love with her" as you love the person you THINK YOU ARE when you are around her.
Frankly, I think you need to find yourself. And, I wish you all the luck in the world with that.
Not only are you not being fair to either woman, you are not being fair to yourself.
I hope you can pick up the pieces and move on, and maybe find YOURSELF FIRST rather than looking for another woman to love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2014): You just put your self in your wife's shoes! Every thing your worried about you did to your wife! So man up and take care of your own women. What goes around comes around. You put your self in this situation you knew this would happen. Do good luck and start thinking about the way your wife's fears cause you both I'm sure have a lot more in common than you think.
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female
reader, eglantine +, writes (8 November 2014):
I am in the situation of your mistress, although we have not been physical, only emotional affair. I also love this 50 something married man very much.
The only advice I can give you is listen to your heart, because you want to live the rest of your life as authentic self. You have so many fears... dont listen to these fears. She has already proven to you that she loves you, although this situation is also very difficult for her. You dont plan to stay with your wife out of love for her, but because you are afraid that your mistress might find a younger man when you are not able to perform sexually any more. This is not a good reason to stay married while being in love with someone else.
I would give everything to be with the man I love, and I would love him even when he gets older, and the sex would not be a problem because he would still have hands, and mouth, and would still talk to me in a loving way.
You can pm me if you want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2014): There is certainly a level upon which I can sympathize with you. I’m in a long-term marriage too, where the passion has long since gone. Our sex life started seriously deteriorating as the kids came along, to the point where it effectively disappeared. At one time I met a woman who also showed interest back, and we had a brief emotional affair that, even without sex, made me feel more alive than I had in years. So I do have an inkling of where you are coming from.
I don’t know whether you were married in a religious ceremony, but marriage vows typically involve the sentiment of “for better for worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others for as long as you both shall live.” I struggled with that, because I had given my word and I take the concept of personal honour seriously. So as marvelous, as life-giving as the high from the affair was, it was in dishonourable circumstances. Further, there was no reason to think that the passion with the other woman would last any longer than it did with my wife – after all, that relationship started out the same way: “She awakens my soul. I feel I have a true relationship with her both physically and emotionally. She meets all my needs. I can talk to her about anything and laugh with her about anything.”
I get the sense that you want to continue to have your cake and eat it too. And my response is that there is no honourable way to do that. You have to choose one or the other.
If you choose your mistress and divorce your wife, yes, you can continue to enjoy the high of a new relationship for as long as that lasts. My father made that choice; at 50 he married a woman 20 years younger, started a new family, and had several happy years. After a dozen or so years, though, that marriage looked quite a lot like his first one. The rational side of your brain is telling you about the downsides – that she’ll end up with an old man who she resents caring for, and may be tempted to leave for someone younger. With all due respect, she has already demonstrated her character by having a long-term relationship with a married man. So your fears are probably justified.
Having seen some marriages that lasted 50+ years, it seems to me that the long-term payoff is a sense of comfort and security. You’re a team that’s shared a lifetime’s worth of experiences and challenges, you know you have each others’ backs. It’s a relationship that surpasses friendship. You’ve come to terms with its inevitable shortcomings. That’s probably what your wife thinks she signed up for. And she’s not going to get it as long as your heart is divided.
Right now you are being intensely unfair to your wife. Does she really deserve that simply because you ended up with the “for worse, in sickness” part of the bargain? You’ll have to decide what your word, you vow, is worth, and whether you want to be a man driven by his hormones like a teenager.
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