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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I'm 41 years old and having erection problems I just dont understand because I never had this problem before. I started my current relationship of 1 year with my sexy girlfriend on a bit of a rocky ground. I was getting over a rough divorce, lost my job and was nervous as hell because it was the first new sexual relationship I had in many years. I also had a bit of performance anxiety because she was more sexually active than me, and I was afraid of not measuring up to the sex she was used to. Sex was problematic, and I rarely maintained an erection during sex. I saw the doc, and he concluded it was totally stress related. Absolutely no problems physically or chemically. That was 9 months ago. He prescribed Levitra to help anyway, and it has done wonders, but I cant keep taking it due to the cost. Plus, I dont want to stay dependent on it. But unless its been days and days or I'm REALLY horny, I still have problems getting really rock hard, or it gets weak very soon after penetration. Oral I seem to be OK...I think because I can tense up, which makes me stayhard and cum faster. My GF is using more foreplay to get me harder, and it is working a bit, but most of the problem is I just cant keep my mind in "horny mode". I usually think very dirty, sexual thoughts when I'm horny, but sometimes I cant, and this is when I fail. She is a bit more "needy" than me...she's a twice a day kinda girl and I'm more of an every other day guy. I think this may have something to do with it, but I hate to turn her down. Last night I actually faked being sick because I just wasn't horny and she was voraciously in the mood for sex. I made up for it tonight, but feel bad I didn't just tell her I wasn't in the mood last night. We've talked about this before, and she assures me she's OK with me having off days, but I get a strong vibe that she doesn't expect this very often. She really wants it daily. I go in waves...sometimes every day is great...other times I need a few days away from sex. I just feel like I cant get the rythm right and it is causing me to suffer with my sexual performance. Also, Because of the Levitra, I've possibly portrayed a sex drive that is higher than I actually am. I haven't told her about the Levitra use, and am scared to for fear of letting her down. I don't use it often anymore...maybe once every week or 2, and we have sex almost every day. Between the added foreplay, reducing stress, taking vitamins and L-Arganine and keeping my sexual thoughts flowing with an occasional look at porn or erotic literature, I'm getting much better. But it is still a real problem...I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm artificially propping up my sex drive to satisfy this girl. But sex every day was something that I wanted with prior partners, and always responded to when it was offered. I think with this GF, it is because it is CONSTANT, I can't keep up. HELP
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divorce, erection, foreplay, horny, in the mood, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): My heart really goes out to you. I want you to know, first of all, that you are not alone. Most guys have experienced this problem at some point. It's one of the most common issues for men - but also one of the least discussed in society. I honestly think this is a big part of the problem. Men think that they are medically abnormal, and worry about their masculinity - when the truth of the matter is that minor erection issues are a completely NORMAL part of being a man in your 30s and above.
There is nothing wrong with being an 'every other day kinda guy', or a 'twice a day kind of girl' - both are well within the 'healthy' spectrum in terms of libido. (Indeed, some people on this site would kill for that much sex!) It is also normal to go in waves. However, the problem here is a mismatch between you and your partner in terms of the number of times you both want sex. One potential solution to this is not to put yourself under pressure and try to force your sex drive to fit her pattern, but instead to accept that there is a difference here, and to work with it. Penetrative sex is not the only - or the most mindblowing- way to give a woman pleasure. So why not experiment with sessions in which she is fully satisfied using other techniques, such as sensual touch and oral?
In my experience, the biggest mistake men make in bed is to underrate the power of their tongue - in terms of both the power of sexy words and the sheer thrill they can give with oral sex. I would bet quite a bit of money that if you devote yourself exclusively to satiating her desires on days where you don't feel horny yourself, you will go to the top of her sex league faster than you can say 'better than a rabbit'! Mix it up a little, and don't be afraid to introduce toys for some extra fun (in fact, you may find an arab strap helps you, and you can get vibrating types to please here too). If you find yourself getting turned on, you can always join in - if not, you'll still fulfil her needs and both will stay happy!
Finally, I think that you should consider talking to your girlfriend about this. If you are struggling to maintain an erection during several sessions, she will have noticed the issue already anyway - and it's far better to release some of the pressure by making a clean breast and telling her your anxieties. It also prevents a horrible situation from building, where she feels that the problem is due to your not finding her sexy enough, which is a common reaction amongst women. So when you chat, you need to start by telling her that you think she's the sexiest woman in the world, and that you really care about her and want her to be impressed by you. Then you can move on to tell her that you're embarrassed and that you've been trying to hide the problem because you were worried about how she might react. Stress -repeatedly- that it's an issue that is caused by stress and anxiety, not by anything she does or doesn't do. Explain that you wanted to bring it out into the open because keeping it inside is making you worry more and more, which isn't helping. You can also make it clear that you aren't asking her to have less sex and that you'll still take care of her needs! Being able to talk about this with a caring, loving partner is a great step on the way to recovery and can work wonders.
Finally, I think you did a brave thing when you went to the doctor about this. Many men don't have that courage, and so I applaud you for taking this step. It also suggests something very important - that you understand that this is a disorder that can be remedied! Indeed, many men find that with a loving, caring, warm partner the problem just goes away - perhaps after a chat with your girl, the anxiety and pressure will lift a bit. Other people find various treatments beyond pills helpful - sex therapy counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy can help you to deal with those patterns of thought that intrude and cause you to spiral into negativity and anxiety when you're trying to have sex. I understand that cost is an issue, and these aren't the cheapest solutions, but if you can afford even a single session a month, that might help. Even short courses can work wonders.
I hope this helps. Do message me if you want to chat!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): My heart really goes out to you. I want you to know, first of all, that you are not alone. Most guys have experienced this problem at some point. It's one of the most common issues for men - but also one of the least discussed in society. I honestly think this is a big part of the problem. Men think that they are medically abnormal, and worry about their masculinity - when the truth of the matter is that minor erection issues are a completely NORMAL part of being a man in your 30s and above.
There is nothing wrong with being an 'every other day kinda guy', or a 'twice a day kind of girl' - both are well within the 'healthy' spectrum in terms of libido. (Indeed, some people on this site would kill for that much sex!) It is also normal to go in waves. However, the problem here is a mismatch between you and your partner in terms of the number of times you both want sex. One potential solution to this is not to put yourself under pressure and try to force your sex drive to fit her pattern, but instead to accept that there is a difference here, and to work with it. Penetrative sex is not the only - or the most mindblowing- way to give a woman pleasure. So why not experiment with sessions in which she is fully satisfied using other techniques, such as sensual touch and oral?
In my experience, the biggest mistake men make in bed is to underrate the power of their tongue - in terms of both the power of sexy words and the sheer thrill they can give with oral sex. I would bet quite a bit of money that if you devote yourself exclusively to satiating her desires on days where you don't feel horny yourself, you will go to the top of her sex league faster than you can say 'better than a rabbit'! Mix it up a little, and don't be afraid to introduce toys for some extra fun (in fact, you may find an arab strap helps you, and you can get vibrating types to please here too). If you find yourself getting turned on, you can always join in - if not, you'll still fulfil her needs and both will stay happy!
Finally, I think that you should consider talking to your girlfriend about this. If you are struggling to maintain an erection during several sessions, she will have noticed the issue already anyway - and it's far better to release some of the pressure by making a clean breast and telling her your anxieties. It also prevents a horrible situation from building, where she feels that the problem is due to your not finding her sexy enough, which is a common reaction amongst women. So when you chat, you need to start by telling her that you think she's the sexiest woman in the world, and that you really care about her and want her to be impressed by you. Then you can move on to tell her that you're embarrassed and that you've been trying to hide the problem because you were worried about how she might react. Stress -repeatedly- that it's an issue that is caused by stress and anxiety, not by anything she does or doesn't do. Explain that you wanted to bring it out into the open because keeping it inside is making you worry more and more, which isn't helping. You can also make it clear that you aren't asking her to have less sex and that you'll still take care of her needs! Being able to talk about this with a caring, loving partner is a great step on the way to recovery and can work wonders.
Finally, I think you did a brave thing when you went to the doctor about this. Many men don't have that courage, and so I applaud you for taking this step. It also suggests something very important - that you understand that this is a disorder that can be remedied! Indeed, many men find that with a loving, caring, warm partner the problem just goes away - perhaps after a chat with your girl, the anxiety and pressure will lift a bit. Other people find various treatments beyond pills helpful - sex therapy counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy can help you to deal with those patterns of thought that intrude and cause you to spiral into negativity and anxiety when you're trying to have sex. I understand that cost is an issue, and these aren't the cheapest solutions, but if you can afford even a single session a month, that might help. Even short courses can work wonders.
I hope this helps. Do message me if you want to chat!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2010): I am 28 and my bf is 43 and he is having same problem as yours...but i understand because I love him. Its a kind of tension being built up in you because you think if you dont perform she may not be interested in you. In a relation each partner's mood is equally important. So gradually let her know your frequency. She should understand. Hope it helps.
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