A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently I found out that my girlfriend has (in the past) dated and slept with a married man. I happen to know him too. We're not close, but we've hung out before. I had no idea they had that type of situation in the past, and even though it is in the past, sometimes it still bothers me because we had all hung out together before. I never knew they had slept around. Neither one had ever admitted it to me before. All three of us even hung out for drinks once. I didn't have much money and one of my exes walked in. Well long story short, my current GF got pissed. I left the bar, and she actually left with him. What bothers me even more is that every once in a while i will see him around my neighborhood, and he has the nerve to ask how my GF is doing. Now, I'm not sure if he is just f***ing with me and trying to get a rise out of me or what...because it doesn't seem cool for a married man to be asking how some other guy's GF is doing. The more I think about, I can't help but lose respect for my GF even though she is loyal to me now. I hate the fact that I am with someone (we even have a child together now) that carried on an affair with a married man. Am I wrong for still being upset about this? And why would she never tell me about this even though she knew that we both knew this guy and that some day it'd probably come out?
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affair, married man, money, my ex Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the responses. I feel if i ask her anymore about this it will trigger another argument. Do i leave this alone?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): My bf and I are in a situation like yours right now, and I am the girl who had an affair with a married man and didn't tell my current bf. He recently found out when the wife called and told him. He's really hurt that I didn't tell him, given the fact that he himself had been cheated on in the past. To give my own perspective, I'd like to say that I am not the same person that I was when I had the affair, and I would never do it again. I had just gotten out of a horrible marriage to a man I had been with my entire adult life. My psyche was terribly damaged, and I was starved for the attention of a man I was attracted to. It was refreshing and purely physical for both of us. I didn't tell my current bf because, again, I'm not the same as I was back then. I also don't believe in disclosing one's sexual past voluntarily. I don't really want to know about his, and I don't think my past should matter. I've done dumb stuff that I didn't think was dumb at the time and wouldn't do today. Those dumb things shouldn't define my current relationship. I don't think her dumb stuff should define yours, either. Regardless of all of that, it DOES bother you, and I'm sorry for you that it does. The woman that she is TODAY and how she treats you, how much she adores you, is what should matter. She cannot undo anything she's done, just as you cannot undo things from your past. I feel really dumb because I don't really understand losing respect for your gf based on something she did before you got together. My bf feels the same as you, has lost a great deal of respect for me. Idk how to get that back since I'm not the one who had myself up on the pedestal to start with. HE put me up there, and HE took me back down. Idk your situation or hers, either of your pasts. I can only tell you from my own experience that she is probably not the same person she was when she had the affair, that she is more confident and secure thanks to you and the love that you've given her. If you love the woman that she is NOW, then continue to love her. Oh, and I didn't tell my bf about the affair because I didn't think it was his business, plus I know how men look down on a woman's sexual history, esp something like that, not only with a married man, but something purely physical.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, in response to why she got mad at me, an ex I used to deal with walked into the bar and kissed me on the lips. I even told her (in front of the current GF) that I was with someone. That whole ordeal just shook my GF up. So needless to say I was uncomfortable, and broke. I couldn't afford any more drinks, felt weird and said I'd leave. My GF decided to stay. And whats funny is, when I left, I actually circled back to the bar and waited outside. And sure enough, when I did, I saw both the guy and my GF getting into a cab. She called me about an hour later asking me if I wanted her to come by my apartment. I said yes. When she arrived, I asked where she'd been. She lied and told me she was home. Later when I busted her on that and I told her I knew she wasn't home, she said her and the guy went to go pick up his wallet he "left" at some other spot. The whole thing just sounds like bulls**t. And honestly, even though this happened close to two years ago, it still really bothers me and I need help dealing with it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 April 2014):
 Wow, we'll start with the biggest item in your story:
She gets mad at you because one of your exes walked into the room? What bearing is it that you didn't have much money? Did you let your ex buy you a drink? We're missing information here...why would she get mad at you because of the mere fact that your ex came in? What exactly *happened*?
And - she had no business going home with him any more than you would have had any business accepting a drink from your ex or going home with her. Not cool. And he was WAY out of line to go home with HER and betraying his wife at home. NOT cool at all.
As to the whole married man thing, trust is greatly diminished when you date a cheater, even if she/he cheated on someone else with you or otherwise. It's understandable that your trust has dropped with her. She was under no obligation to tell you details about her past sex life, but she was obligated to NOT behave inappropriately with an ex, and leaving with one is NOT appropriate.
There's another issue here too... While she was under no obligation to list all of her detailed sexual history, did you *ask* her if she had ever cheated before? If she lied to you, that would be huge, but I'm thinking you never asked the question? If whether or not she was a cheater was so important to compatibility for you, wouldn't it merit to ask?
I personally don't date cheaters, and I have asked boyfriends before if they've ever cheated in the past, because it's a dealbreaker for me except in rare exceptions.
You have to decide what to do now...but the immediate issue is why she ran home with him, AND why is she mad about your ex. What haven't you said yet about that?
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