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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello. I feel so stupid. I hate my body, and my looks. Let's just say I've never been the pretty one. No men ever flirt with or hit on me. This has caused me several self image issues. I hate porn and media images, etc. I feel so ugly when I see them because I know I'm uglier and could never compare. This has me a bit depressed honestly.I have a boyfriend. And he always watches anything that has to do with sex, like sex documentaries, porn, or reads sex blogs, whatever. Our sex life is good. But we never have time for sex (we live apart and we're very busy, also because our families are always home). He knows how I feel about this and he's fed up with my lack of self confidence, but I can't help it. Last night we were watching late night tv and he started watching some cartoon, he didn't know what it was and suddenly a lot of sexy females were on screen with little to no clothing. He kept watching until he realized I had an upset face (I can't control it, sorry). He told me I was being silly if I get upset over sexy cartoons, that they're just drawings.We argued and he flat out said that he thinks other women are prettier, much prettier than I am, but that he loves me and why can't that be enough? I started crying and he stormed out of my house. How can he not understand my point of view? If he watches anything that is related to sex I feel like he thinks about sex with other women all the time. Like having me is not enough! He said that even if he did think about sex with other women, so what? He loves me. I told him I never think about sex with other men because for me, he is enough. I don't need to think about having sex with other men because I'm satisfied with him. And I told him he was a hypocrite because he wouldn't like that I watch porn because of the actors' larger penises. He said it was different. Lucky for him, I hate porn.If he loves me and thinks other women are prettier, then I might as well just be his friend. It makes me feel like I was his sister or something. Of course I will never be the prettiest, but if he thinks fake whores are prettier, then I feel like a sister or a consolation prize. Plus if love is so fucking important then why is society still so caught up on looks? It makes me very, very angry as you can see because where does that leave us ugly people, especially ugly women? It's not fair. I feel satisfied with just him, I feel like he's ideal and I don't need to think about sex with other men, so why does he? Also why does he watch or read anything that is related to sex? It makes me feel like he's a perv and like he never thinks about sex with me, only with other women. Like if there's a naked woman, he'll look, if lesbians are kissing he'll look (yet he's repulsed by gay men, go figure...), anything related to sex and he'll watch! Like he craves so many fantasies that I just can't live up to that I feel ugly and not enough, I don't know if you understand.He tells me to stop being so shallow and an airhead that looks aren't the only thing that matters and that he loves me, what else do I want? Well how can he be so blind to not be able to see that as a woman, I like to feel special and not like an ugly consolation prize? That while he has never called me ugly, knowing that he thinks almost any other woman is prettier doesn't make me feel good, makes me feel worse. Like sure, he loves me, so that should be enough. Ok, so if "I love you" is all it takes then he might as well go and mess with strippers or other "prettier" women, I don't care, hey as long as he loves ME and not them right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): I am a 36 year old female who thinks very much like you do.I thought i was alone, atleast i hear how un-normal i am all the time. I am extremely jealous and envious!!! I do not approve of the porn or nudity on tv either. I feel much the same way when i see other women. I have negative self image issues. i admit it. I have been married 3 times now, i have 4 children and have found most men are the same. sorry to those that arent, where are you?I am currently married and i dont hide how i feel. He is fully aware. He does avoid some things, knowing our relationship is at risk if he doesnt. But i wouldnt be suprised if he harbors anger and resentment towards me. Well im not playing. My first husband was a porn freak and talked about other women all the time in front of me even when i was carrying his children. thank god he is not part of my life now!!! My second husband was a drinker and liked the bar scene, i did not like him going alone but couldnt stop him, needless to say he died after a car accident in 99 and his friends decided to tell me he had porn magazines in his locker at work, gee how nice of them to tell me that!! that remains unresolved for the rest of my life. those two relationships made me feel like real shit. i would have to say that since my teens i have been insecure and it has only gotten worse. If i could just find a man who doesnt need to look at other women for sexual reasons. I love sex, id have it every day, but i get turned down!! whats wrong with that picture? Even before we had issues it was like this after we got married.is that role reversal or what? Well anyhow at this point in the game I just will not put up with it anymore. If im not worth the sacrifice, find someone else!! I never ended a relationship before but enough is enough!! I will not bend. I want a loyal, faitful, committed man or no man at all. I am a person with rights and if i decide i dont want that crap in my life i think i have a right to it. If my choice to not have to deal with those issues ends the relationship, i guess its not worth it. I also want respect! I caught my current husband looking at porn when i came home early from work one night last december and i was more than mad, i was hurt! It sent me over the edge.I almost ended the relationship, but ill tell ya i dont trust him now and its hell living this way. There isnt any 3 strikes, next time is the end, he knows it!! women have wishes too and someone who loves you will try to fulfill them for you! If someone isnt totally fulfilled by you, then they should be honest with you and give you the chance to decide what you want. I worry every day he only wants me here to help pay the bills. It sucks to feel this way! He freaked out when i tried to leave and put a guilt trip on me that he didnt want to live without me!thats probably why i stayed, im a sucker cuz i love him.You are young and id hate to see you go thru hell because of a lack of self esteem (i did), stand up for yourself!!! Fight for what you want! Even though i dont like my body, I still feel i deserve a loyal man! You do too!!Does a leopard really change its spots? Just a thought to think on there!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): MODS are not catching that she is the OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Girl.. i just told you not to let anyone make you feel like you are out of line for acting the way you are.. or to make you feel like you are not normal. Try reflecting on the advice you recieved that was helpful instead of lingering on what was not.
I'll say it again.. You cannot change who you are and there is nothing wrong with being this way, so don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
And no.. it's not your fault.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Plus I'm seriously ugly, no one ever looks at me, I know miserable girls who're depressed all the time and lack confidence but they get reassurance that they're gorgeous all the time, I don't even though I don't act miserable in front of others, I'M GENUINELY UGLY AND I HATE IT, it's unfair that people judge others based on looks, just see how people laughed at Susan Boyle until she started singing, if she had been a 20 year old skinny blonde no one would have laughed at her. I'm just really pissed and frustrated because I hate thinking that he will get hard ons by random women and I have to feel like a stupid ugly consolation prize.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2009): Why is EVERYTHING my fault? I know I obviously have responsability, but not ALL of it, right?
Why is it that women always have to understand men and grasp it, but men never have to try and understand women?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): But why is it so ok to ogle women in front of me and think of others? Then he could just go and have sex with anyone, because he loves me and not others, so it'd be perfectly ok for him to have sex with others as long as he's not in ove with them, right? Because sex is sex, it's not about love and all that. To me it's the same.
The thing that annoys me is that beauty iss o important in this society and that he thinks so and that I just have to deal with it? Why? Why does he have to be so sallow and sex obsessed¡ And not sex obsessed with me but with others?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2009): Ok... I know exactly how you feel...
I'm not sure how to say this all.. you've said so much here.. Listen..
Porn has become so normal these days, that most women just don't care. But there are some women out there who are NOT ok with it, despite what society tells them is normal. You aren't ok with it now, and you never will be, so the first thing you should know, is that you can't make it ok with you. So don't even try.
It would be extrememly difficult to not feel like you are enough and to have your man tell you that you are not pretty and he thinks about sex with other women.
There is a type of man out there for you. There are men out there who don't like porn or ANYTHING sex related that is not with the person who they are with. There are men who can only get turned on by the person they love. There are men who would never compare you to another woman.
I know this because I HAVE ONE. He has never laid eyes on porn and since we met, another woman either. He was raised in a small town with very high morals and southern values. He never messed around with anyone but me, because he didn't get sexually arroused by people he didn't care for.. and I was the first woman he's ever been cared for and therefor been with.
He works perfectly for me because i would hate him to watch porn or be thinking about other women. I would never do this to him either.
I'm just here to tell you not to make anyone make you feel like you are not normal, or like you are out of line for being the way you are. You cannot help it and cannot change it. If you need to find someone who will make you feel good.. then that's what you need to do instead of staying in a relationship that makes you miserable and hate yourself. I tried that once.. i felt worse every day of my life untill i ended it.
I don't know what to say.. there is more iwant to say but i can't think of it. Ok, just private message me if you need more insight or to say anything else..
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