A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years and we're both in our early twenties. We've never had a proper argument, never had a shouting match, never stormed out on the other. What we do have is probably more of a problem on my part, but his reaction doesn't help. I'm worried he's playing mind games with me and I can't tell if he's aware of it or not.I tend to bottle up my feelings. It's bad, I know. I've never had cause to break up with him over anything, but there have been a few circumstances where I've got in a huff, basically.The problem is, whenever I'm in a mood because he's done something a bit thoughtless or stupid but otherwise not that big of a deal, he becomes miserable himself, asks me why I don't just break up with him, says he's a terrible person etc. He makes me feel very guilty and I often end up apologising for being mad, when sometimes I actually think it's him that needs to do the apologising. He doesn't seem to realise this, though, and I can't tell whether he does the whole self-pitying act deliberately to make me feel bad and take the blame, or if he's truly oblivious?I don't want to break up with him but this is happening more and more frequently. I am easily wound up by nature and I'm well aware of this and I don't like myself in a mood any more than he does, but do you think this kind of issue is enough to warrant ending a relationship, or are we both just overreacting? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): "We've never had a proper argument, never had a shouting match, never stormed out on the other."
What makes you think a "proper argument" equates to shouting and storming out on each other? Those are extremely unhealthy behaviors. if this is what you aspire to, you've got to do a bit more reading up on what constitutes healthy relationship skills. Maybe you grew up seeing your parents shout at each other and storm out, that's not healthy. It leads to divorces in a lot of couples.
But what you have with your bf is equally unhealthy and equally destructive to a relationship. You're dealing with passive-aggressiveness, emotional blackmail and manipulation. These also lead to relationships ending because it destroys trust and respect and ultimately with it, intimacy.
"he problem is, whenever I'm in a mood because he's done something a bit thoughtless or stupid but otherwise not that big of a deal, he becomes miserable himself, asks me why I don't just break up with him, says he's a terrible person etc. "
Both of you are behaving terribly and triggering each other's dysfunction.
First let's start with him. He is overreacting, and playing on your guilt to get his way rather than trying to constructively work out the problem with you. He equates someone being mad at him as meaning he is a terrible person - this is a very unhealthy mindset. It points to low self esteem too. As a result in order to 'protect' his own feelings of worthlessness from plunging he needs you to not be mad at him anymore. Obviously this is not any way to resolve a conflict. So the differences that let to the conflict are still there and will resurface again.
Now what about you. You say you get easily wound up and you get "in a mood" when he does something that you perceive as inconsiderate. This is not healthy too. You can be unhappy with someone but not "act out" in an emotional way towards them. You can tell them calmly and without emotion, that you're not happy about something, and ask that they do it differently next time. You don't have to 'get in a mood' and be sulking or pouting or giving them the evil eye, or crying, or getting huffy, or getting accusatory.
well you can't change other people, you can only change yourself. so I suggest you work on controlling your emotionality when you're unhappy. however, I doubt this will be enough...because of his dysfunction....sorry but that is how I feel.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (3 October 2012):
 He knows fine well what he is doing. He is acting all innocent and turning on the self pity so it does not escalate in to an argument, am sure he does not mean to make you feel guilty he is probably just wanting to avoid argument. However you need to learn to stand up for yourself and speak your mind, if you bottle up your feelings and don't tell him about them then the relationship will end up dying as you will begin to resent him. Sit him down and tell him how he makes you feel when he turns on the self pity. You both need to start communicating more.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): A bit of both I'd say.. He does the puppy sad eyes, what do you mean I've done something wrong, when he knows darn tooting he has..
You need to stop being so sensitive, that may be hard to overcome but you can if you work on it.. First don't let things bottle up, if he done something say, hey did you mean to say or do that as it hurt my feelings ? Give him a chance to answer and make it right, if you both do not then big blown out arguments may occur .
It's not anything worth breaking up over, just try and convey how you feel more and don't let him puppy love you back until he says sorry.
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