A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Now please don't judge me on this one, I'm very new to this whole situation and I'm really struggling to cope with my emotions. I've been with my girlfriend for about 8 months now and we're very happy being together, even going so far as planning marriage and a child in our late 20's- early 30's. The Problem is that she's recently gone back to her home town of Bournemouth to see her family and friends for a week, which I don't have a problem with as she rarely gets to talk to her friends (she lives in Cheltenham) so it's nice that she's able to see them.My problem however isn't anything to do with her, it's to do with me. I'm really struggling to cope with her spending 4-5 hours nearly every day seeing her friends and not speaking to me and only doing so for about 2-3 hours or so each day before she goes and sees them and it's making me feel left out, jealous and a little hurt because it feels like she's more concerned with being with her friends than talking to me.Now I understand that this does sound selfish on my part but this is why I said I'm struggling. I've put it down to because of my childhood as I rarely got attention from my parents (it didn't help that I'm the middle child of the family, having an elder sister and younger brother with a mental disability) and was constantly bullied/put down during school and I've only ever had 2 best friends in my life (the exception being my girlfriend), and ever since she's come into my life I've been getting a lot of attention pretty much every day (I spend at least on average 2-4 days each work sleeping around her house)and I've become rather used to it.Does anyone have any suggestions for overcoming this?. I really feel horrible for acting so selfishly and I understand that she doesn't speak to her friends that often, but I just can't control my emotions and it's becoming quite a strain on both myself and her and I really just want this to stop so I stop upsetting her.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 October 2015):
 If she's talking to you for 2-3 hours EVERY DAY, then rest assured you're getting TONS of attention. My hats off to her because I can't think of anyone I want to talk to for that long every single day, no matter how much I love them.
The problem is not with your parents in the past but with you in the here and now. You lack the social skills to attract and keep friends, to inspire others to want to spend time with you. As a result you've come to rely very heavily on your girlfriend to fulfill all of your emotional needs by herself. That's a huge undertaking.
You need to find something productive to do with yourself while she's away. Take up a hobby, join a class, do volunteer work. I think you could benefit from some kind of coaching or public speaking courses. I encourage you to learn to become emotionally independent. Everyone benefits in the long run.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2015): Much of your neediness you admitted is attributed to the lack of attention you received from your parents. What helps, is to go to your parents; and have a one-on-one talk to express your feelings. To convey to them how you never got the closure you need and deserve. An understanding has to be made between you and your two parents, in order to bring you peace.
Your parents had their hands full. Children with special needs require very special attention, healthcare, and education. More of it than a child born healthy and whole.
Care, not love. Love can be generously distributed. I love a lot of people, so I know that's possible. Parents do get overwhelmed and overworked. So you have to be fair!
That still isn't an excuse to allow the other child(ren) in the same household to feel neglected, ignored, and abandoned. You must go to your parents and explain to them how you've felt all these years, and how it has affected you. Not to force guilt upon them, but to purge the anger and resentment that may have given you what you perceive to be abandonment issues. They will explain and enlighten you on how they've always felt about you. They will also have the chance to tell you how you may have hurt them by feeling in such a way. Knowing the circumstances. Not when you were a child, but now as an adult.
Your girlfriend has no responsibility to make-up for what your parents neglected to do. No one else has that burden to carry.
It is your personal responsibility to seek the right sort of professional help to deal with your issues. You also have to grow-up. You are no longer a child. There are children like myself who grew up with a lot of brothers and sisters. My two parents had to spread their love eight different ways! Then they had to take care of all their adult and parental responsibilities. They had to provide for us, protect us, feed us, shelter us, get us educated, and discipline us. Not one or two, but all of us! I learned to love my family as a whole, and that makes me care for people as a whole. I can share my time here helping you, and still care for my boyfriend, friends, and my loving family. It's not all about you! You have to share!
On top of dealing with each individual personality and unique needs for eight children! I new it wasn't easy; but I appreciated how hard they worked at providing a good home. Still able to give love and comfort, spread out over so many kids! I admire what they did out of love. As you should, if you can see past yourself and love your siblings. They have life a lot more difficult for them, than it is for you.
Now that you're older, you can reconnect with your parents and build on what you felt to be a deficit in their attention. Rebuild your love for your siblings and see how they needed your love; which you may have withheld or didn't show out of jealousy and anger at your parents.
Then growing up resentful; which is demonstrated by your selfishness and jealousy over your girlfriend loving others.
You would be astounded by how guilty they (your parents) may have felt, and you may have distanced yourself in your bitterness. Now you're trying to compensate for it through your girlfriend. You will smother her with clinginess, if you don't be careful. You can't unload your insecurities onto those people you chose to be your lovers and partners.
Go back to the source of your feelings of abandonment.
Your parents. They need your love. They want it from you.
Giving it will free you! Withholding it will keep you right where you are! It will not change overnight, but you will get some relief.
There should be equal reciprocation of respect and trust in your relationship. Give and take. You should allow your partner room to grow, breath, and stretch. Allow her to show her love for her family and friends she misses so much. Not encumber her with the task of pacifying your neediness that isn't a result of her neglect; but possibly nurtured by her spoiling you. People with your problem find caretakers like your girlfriend, who will give more than they may get in return. If you're so selfish it bothers you when she goes home, you are too focused on protecting yourself; and don't really have time to see to her emotional needs. It's all about you!
Well, you'll have to discipline your mind, and use the self-control associated with maturity. That is, if you want to have a girlfriend and maintain an adult-relationship. It is very easy to come up with feasible excuses for selfishness and insecurities; but they will eventually bring ruin to your relationship. You can't help that the feelings nag at you, but you also have to be a man and keep them in-check.
We read a lot of excuses for why people let their emotions run wild. Citing all sorts of reasons they shouldn't behave like responsible adults. There isn't a pill for growing up. You simply have to do it. We just have to stop blaming the past on a lack of maturity and responsibility to society, our families, and to our mates.
If we have mental-health issues that complicate our lives, we have a responsibility to seek professional help "before" making our problems the problems of people who love and commit themselves to us. They deserve as good as they're giving to us. Not less! Compensating for all our faults and weaknesses, yet getting less; while a list of reasons are piled at their feet excusing why they should put up with unchecked insecurities. That isn't fair!
That's why they eventually just give up in frustration and leave! Then guilt is thrust upon them for not being caretakers without boundaries or limits! You don't want to be judged, but you do need to be educated. You're a man now. So man-up! There is plenty of help out there, and you don't have to pile it all on your loving sweet girlfriend.
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