A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with getting too attached too quickly. No matter what kind of guy I am dating, whether he's a great guy or one who doesn't treat me well, I still really want it to work out. I settle for guys who treat me poorly just because I don't like letting go. And then when I find a man who does respect me, I fall even harder. I used to be very independent and was able to end relationships and move on with ease. But within the last year I feel something has significantly changed.I had a stable childhood and no significant daddy issues as some friends have suggested. Although my dad did used to say he wished he had a son all the time instead of me as a daughter.. That is something that has stuck with me for years and I wonder if it's not why I cling to people to find that approval.This has been a pattern I've been trying to understand and work on but no matter how prepared I think I am to be better, inevitably I have strong feelings too quickly and definitely have more feelings than the guy.I've learned how to keep this issue concealed and don't think I come off as clingy. I don't over text or question guys about their girl friends the way I used to do in the past. I give them space and let them initiate things. But I still have strong feelings and hopes for where the relationship can go even though I don't verbalize them. My main problem comes after the relationship ends.For example, the last guy I dated is moving to another country. I almost feel devastated because I had all these high hopes for us in my head. He has entirely cut contact because he says he doesn't want to get closer. That is a very hard thing for me to cope with because even though I know it's over, I still have feelings for him and wish he felt the same. Yet at the same time, I know it's not a rational decision to be in a long distance relationship with someone I don't have a very steady foundation with.These kinds of things consume me for a weeks at a time and I almost feel like I go through mini periods of depression. I blame myself for it not working out (even when circumstances are out of my control) and turn those feelings into destructive behaviors like binge drinking and starving myself.. 2 things I don't do normally. How do I navigate relationships without getting so invested and falling so quickly? It feels like a never ending cycle that I can't break and I don't know how to correct it on my own. I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read this through and any advice would be so meaningful.
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long distance, move on, period, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): It's a matter of self-control. You may have some father-issues. Rejection is hard to take, when you want to be loved so badly. The fact you're over twenty-five years old and can still recall being told by your father he wished you were a boy; makes you recall that feeling of rejection over and over. Specifically when a man rejects you.
It wouldn't hurt to get some counseling; especially if these bouts trigger depression.
You really need to work on your issues before entering a commitment. You can't handle them in a healthy way. You seek relationship for acceptance and male-validation. Not to make a romantic connection in an adult way. You know it won't last, but you need to feel wanted as long as you can.
That's why you aren't discriminate about the kind of guy he is. Just that he is male and you have his attention. You try very hard to keep it, and when you don't, your sense failure.
For the sake of your mental-health, seek professional-counseling; and avoid forming worthless commitments. You're hurting yourself. They will not work; because the men know there's something wrong with a woman who attaches too quickly.
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