A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m seeing someone new and we’ve been dating almost a month. In that time Ive seen him about 6 or 7 times. Real dates. Dinner or movies etc. He is great about showing up and doing fun stuff I don’t feel like he’s just looking for a physical relationship. We’ve made out etc but haven’t had sex even. After our second date he informed me that he was “considering” taking a job offer out of town next year. Fifth date I brought it up again because I really don’t know what to do with this information; i I like him a lot and at the same time realize this could have expiration date if he moves in February!! However now his claim is that job hasn’t been offered to him yet and he’s also considering jobs locally so I would say the chances of really leaving are spotty. The real trouble is I feel sometimes like he’s not “in it to win it” even though the dates are great; in between communication is rather lackluster, I often get the feeling he doesn’t really care what I’m doing or where I am :( He can’t take hours and hours to text me and the next day be really in touch. We’ve yet to have a sleepover night or anything of that sort ( maybe is a good thing I don’t know) but I often feel myself wanting more and I don’t know if I’m trying to rush it or if I have a normal reaction. Wouldn’t any other woman would want like the day together to go to brunch and walk The beach etc and be together ... I don’t know if he pulls back bc of job insecurity or no. Would love any thoughts what I should expect and do in his regards.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2018): You need to slow your roll. If a guy tells you he's considering jobs out of town; pace yourself, and try not to let yourself get too attached. At best, the job-offer is only tentative; if he hasn't said it was a sure thing. I think he's also hinting at the possibility that he's not looking for anything serious or long-term; or he's just not sure what he's looking for.
For God's sake, please don't hang-on by a long-distance relationship. Set a higher-standard for yourself.
In these days and times, people are so social media dependent and flaky; they don't clearly communicate. They drop hints, beat around the bush, manipulate, or straight-up lie to your face. That's because they still want to enjoy the benefits of being liked, having companionship available when they need or want it; and still have the open-option to bail-out when they feel like it. In other-words, they date according to convenience; not with commitment or any personal-responsibility in-mind. They are so self-centered and over-entitled; they forget about anyone's feelings, but their own.
Treat him as he treats you. If he seems nonchalant; then go easy and back-off a little.
I think you just might be a little too anxious; for things to have only gone-on for about a month. The trouble with so many ladies writing to our site, is that they get tired of searching for a mate or a boyfriend. They get too anxious/needy. They start to feel too eager, or insecure once they finally meet someone.
I know it is hard to do, but maintain some calm and composure; because you hardly know the guy. Time tends to expose more about a person's true-nature or personality; and
and you can make a more realistic or fair assessment of the kind of person you're dealing with. He's starting to show some not-so-great characteristics. So bide your time, and check your feelings. He's still being evaluated.
Dependability is a very important trait in a person. That's essential to build trust upon. He seems to fall a little short. Don't go overboard with texting and messaging. If you don't hear from a guy for days; just consider him not particularly interested. Adult romantic-connections differ from teenage-connections. That is because we know how to communicate, should show courtesy, have some mutual-respect, and we are better at discerning personalities. We set and live-by higher-standards. We don't text, we talk.
So in all probability, you'll think you like him; until you truly get to know him. You don't know what kind of temper he has, you don't know much about his values, you probably haven't met his family yet, and his style seems somewhat casual or indifferent towards dating. Count it as a red-flag.
Safest thing to do, is assume he's going to take the job out of town. If you tire of the foot-dragging and vague signals; give him the brush-off. Desperation might say hang in there; but you're an adult, and should be in-charge and in control of your feelings. Don't get ahead of yourself. He may not even have a job-offer, simply saying that to give himself an easy-escape if things don't workout. It could also be his exit-plan when things get too serious.
You should take-charge. Simply tell him that you don't mind casual-dating; but you prefer adult upfront-communication, so you have some idea where things are going. Be honest that you find him hard to read; but don't sound desperate or like you're scolding him, just uncertain whether he's still interested.
If he still beats around the bush; you can politely dismiss him, and continue on with your life. He's only a tear-drop in an ocean of men! These foot-dragging baby-men have to stop stringing women along; and grow some man-sized testicles, and man-up. Your time is precious, and if you're wasting it; he may as well be on his way. You've got better things to do.
Give it another month; so you are absolutely certain about what you like about him. Making certain it's not just that you're tired of being lonely; and not simply settling for whatever you can get. Telling yourself he's all that, and you've got to have him. He has to be on the same page.
Grown-ups know how to effectively-communicate. If your criteria in a man requires a man who speaks-up and expresses himself maturely; don't waste time and effort on one who doesn't. That's where you have to woman-up, and stand behind your standards and requirements. In this case, I think you're being a little anxious at this stage in the game. Lighten-up, you know what you have to offer. If he can't see it; he's not worth the time or effort of offering it to him. Only, he doesn't really know you; and he may not have had the time to decide what he feels. If he leaves you hanging, dump him!
BTW, some guys try to act less interested when sex doesn't happen within two or three dates. Those same guys disappear as soon as they get it. So sex doesn't get served; until you know exactly what it is you like about him, you have some measured trust, he has shown some dependability, and you sense he respects you.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 October 2018):
 I think you need to LISTEN to your own "gut" or "feelings" about this.
He isn't as invested as you are. Maybe because he IS hoping to land that job and transfer but he doesn't want to TELL you in case you no longer wants to see him or if it falls through. Which is why he isn't investing as much as you would like him too.
Which might ALSO be why he is holding off on the sex. Sorta just seeing/dating you until he KNOWS what's up with his job. Not wanting sex yet, is not really bad - as it has ONLY been a month. There should be NO hurry there. Better take your time and decide if that other person is RIGHT for you BEFORE getting intimate. IMHO. I think it's actually smart to wait with it a bit.
My thing with this is, IF he is looking to transfer, he might not get a job in Feb.. but he might apply for one for May - August ... whichever time. So... IS he really interested in dating someone in THIS (where you both live now) geographical area? Long term?
If there are things about this "budding relationship" that makes you go:" hmmm not liking this..." SO soon in, it's something you need to pay attention to. Not to ignore. you have to decide, are these things important to me?
Well, IF he is WISHING to move elsewhere - an LDR would be on the horizon OR the relationship would end... So with that looming over you, how do you feel about that?
If you don't feel he is putting as much effort INTO getting to know you OUTSIDE of the dates, how do you feel about that? Because he might NOT be a big texter/caller OR he isn't WILLING to invest too much at the moment.
Dating is a period to GET TO KNOW the other person and figure out if there is a possibility for a good match and a long term partner.
If you enjoy the dates and getting to know him ,maybe keep seeing him.
If you feel there is something missing... then WHY continue?
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