A
female
age
51-59,
*uney
writes:Just wanted to know others opinions on whether what i have done today is unreasonable, or reasonable under the circumstances. I have a 12 year old son and split with his father when he was very young. I always hoped that one day i would remarry.I have been with my live in boyfriend for 3 and a half years now. When we had been together for nearly a year he took me away for the weekend, and produced a ring box. I was excited that he was going to propose, and i loved him so much that i would have said yes with no question. However the box contained what i suppose would be termed an "eternity" ring. You know,the one you get after the engagement and wedding ring! Since i didnt want to seem presumptious, i said it was beautiful and started to put it on my right hand, and he stopped me and said no, this is a sign of my commitment to you, and i would like you to wear it on your engagement finger. I agreed, and thats where its been ever since.Lately, i feel we have been drifting apart, i do not feel he loves me as he once did, and i do wonder about his so-called "commitment". I still love him and want to be with him very much, but after 3 and a half years he still has shown no interest in actually getting married.I sat down today, and removed the ring from my engagement finger, and put it on the opposite hand. I am not going to mention it to him, just wait until he notices (which could be ages anyway), and then i will discuss why i have done it. I feel that whilst that ring is on my finger, he feels he doesnt have to do anymore to keep me. But i feel this is dishonest, we arnt married, we arnt engaged, and i do not want the people we meet in our lives to assume we are just because that would be more convenient for him. I will tell him that such time that he would like our relationship to become "permanent", i will be very happy to wear his ring. Incedentally, he wears no jewellry at all to signify we are a couple. I would welcome males opinions especially.Am i being very petty, or do i have a point?
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female
reader, Juney +, writes (17 September 2007):
Juney is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello. Thank you once again for responding and your advice. I know that what you're saying is mostly true and you're probably right. I wouldnt say i'm in denial exactly, but there are still some positives worth staying in the relationship for, at the moment, so i'm not QUITE ready to call time on it just yet. Also, the hours he works are set to be cut quite a bit very soon, so i am hoping that when the sheer tiredness he always feels is not so bad, that there may be a chance of things improving, but it could go either way to be honest. I asked a friend of mine about the ring thing being petty,and she agreed it was also, so i guess i have to take part of the blame for not being straight over this recent issue.
Thanks again, Juney
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2007): Your welcome. I am glad I could have been of some help. Well now that I know a little more into the situation I can see better where the problem is. Well, marriage aside, you guys are having difficulty in your relationship. It sounds like the passion is gone. You guy's have no sex life. It sounds like you guys have a failing relationship. To be honest, when you were asking about marriage, I was assuming that things were pretty good between you two. I mean why else would someone want to get married?? Right? But clearly that is not the case. So why exactly do you want to marry this guy??
If things were great between you two. Sex was good. You both were happy. Had alot to talk about. Couldn't wait to see each other in the evening. Had GOOD fights. You know what good fights are?? It is when you love someone and you both argue but you still love each other and more after the fight and it leads to great passionate sex. This is common in couples who love each other. If this was the case between you two then I would still be telling you to SPEAK UP and grab him by the collar and make him marry you.
But if your fights are the bad type, the types that reduce you both to sleeping in seperate beds for months on end. The types that make you feel like you are growing apart. You have nothing in common. You both are resentful. That is just bad. He argues with you and quickly falls asleep right after?? That's a bad sign. He avoids giving you straight answers when you ask him about marriage? And just the fact that you feel you have to "play games" with him with the whole ring thing, to me seems like a bad sign anyways.
The problem is that you are getting ahead of yourself here and you are being unrealistic. You guys don't even have a good relationship. So how can expect marriage to follow?? I think a break up would follow way before marriage did (don't mean to scare you but I want you to try to see the reality here). I think you are a bit in denial of the reality of this relationship which seems to be at its last straw.
Look I have been where you are right now. In denial and expecting more than I ever have because subconciously I can sense "the end" and so I want to do things (like get married) to avoid the inevitable. But you have to face the reality, sooner or later. I don't think that the love is all there. I'm sorry Juney. And I don't think your expectations of marriage are at all realistic in this relationship. But I know EXACTLY what you are going through. You are not alone. Don't be ashamed or anything. You feel like you wasted 3 years of your time and didn't even get what you wanted or what you deserved.
It happens to the best of us. But not all relationships work out and he is probably not going to propose. That is something you can accept now or keep having false hope for more time to come. I don't even think he is really that happy. I don't even think you are happy but since you are in denial I don't think you realise that right now. Look you are a BEAUTIFUL woman and you are still YOUNG! You can have ANYTHING that you want. ANYTHING. You are a great woman because if you weren't, he would have never gotten you that "eternity" ring to begin with. Things just didn't work out though. But you are a great woman. Use this experience as a tool for growth. And marriage aside, you can do so much better. Not because he is a dead beat (I don't know what he is) but because you guys have no passion and neither of you are happy. You deserve to be happy and with someone who will love you and make you happy everyday. You can have that but you have got to let go of this false hope with this man. I think its over between you two.
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A
female
reader, Juney +, writes (13 September 2007):
Juney is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear anonymous female reader,Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question, it really meant alot to see another point of view. As usual though there is more background to the story, and if i may i would like to reply to your advice.I agree with you about speaking up about what you want, but for at least the first 2 and a half years i did not mention marriage, i was afraid that if i brought it up i would scare him a mile off which of course i didnt want, and i honestly thought he would ask me in due course anyway. So about a year ago i decided that yes, he did need to know what it was i really wanted, and started dropping some REALLY big hints! No joy there, so about 2 months ago i had a really serious talk with him, told him that it was something i wanted for our future, and i thought it was only fair for him to tell me where i stood. Absolutely fine if it wasnt what he wanted, but he at least owed me the respect of telling me so i could make a decision on whether i wanted to continue with him or not. Basically i got a lot of vague if buts and maybes about the future, and not much else. So i suppose the ring thing was due to a couple of months of me brooding over not knowing what he wants, and a way of forcing the issue to talk to me properly. We have not been physically close for a long time either, for some reason he just doesnt seem to want to come near me, and i have asked him over and over what the problem there is, but he just always puts it down to pressure of work, which i do admit has been tremendous for him for some time now. Thats what i really meant about us drifting apart and not being close anymore. I dont think i am what you would call physically repulsive! I am still considered an attractive woman, so what is wrong with him? And also, i do know my man, he DID see that ring on my finger as some kind of bind to him, so if he wants me bound to him, why will he not consider the marriage thing? It really is like hes not sure if he wants me, but hes damn sure no one else is going to have me either. Now that IS unfair, you must agree? I just felt that by taking off the ring he would see that actually, there are people out there who are interested in me, and may make it obvious, without the presence of a ring on my finger. And therefore, if he truly wants me in his life permanently, he has to put an engagement ring there! Incidentally, he noticed it straight away that evening. He asked me why i had done it, and i said that i actually felt dishonest wearing the ring on that finger when he obviously does NOT feel the commitment he says he does, there was a row, he strongly denied that he did not want to be with me, and then he promptly fell asleep on the sofa, as he does every night as hes so tired from work, and we havent spoken about it since. I give up. Any further advice or comment would be greatly appreciated!Juney
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2007): I am glad you said it before I did. Yes you are being a bit petty. If you want him to marry you SPEAK UP. Why play this game of switching your ring? He might notice but so what? If you wanted a raise at work would you rearrange your desk to see if your boss notices?? And even if he did notice, so what?? See how unsensical this analogy is? Hope you understand the connection.
I doubt he thinks that as long as that ring is on your finger he does not have to do any work. I doubt he has even thought about it that way. That was a sentimental gift to you. That's all. Guys think in the moment. If he isn't making plans to take it further or "doing any work" as you say, it has NOTHING to do with that ring. Believe me! Men don't think that way.
Men are just tough sometimes when it comes to initiating stuff like that. So do not pout about why he hasn't yet proposed. Marriage is a mutual decision. And don't take it so personally that he hasn't mentioned it. Be calm, be cool. If you are even thinking about marrying this guy he should be your best friend and you should love him and trust him. So treat him with love and trust and understanding. And don't be accusational. So if you want to marry him you have got to let him KNOW without being mad that he didn't bring it up first. Next time you guys go out to dinner get real sexy, make sure you smell real good, and get real excited and tell him you want to get married. Or just tell him you want a diamond and let him figure out why. Talk to him! Be honest. Get excited about it. This is your BEST FRIEND. You can tell him anything.
But please stop playing games! That's stupid. And it's not going to get you anywhere. I hope you understand.
P.S. I told my ex bf that I wanted a diamond and to get married and you know what he did?? His eyes lit up and he got me a diamond. He didn't initiate it. I did. (And I said it as a joke too! ahh) So SPEAK UP. That's what the universe gave you a voice for! And have fun with it. This whole thought of marriage and everything about it should be a celebration. A celebration! Have fun with it. This should be a good experience so bring it up in good spirit. Good luck.
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