A
female
age
36-40,
*.Maria.S
writes:My boyfriend and I had the most wonderful relationship for 3 years. We recently just had our four year anniversary and for a while things have been rough. He seems depressed. Barely talks about it. Has no sex drive. And i'm suffering a great deal. I can't stop crying and I am simply not the crying type so the pain i am feeling is pretty intense. I can't focus on school and feel so mixed up. I keep trying to talk to him about our relationship but I really don't think that he cares anymore. I ask him and he just gets irritated "I do" in an annoyed tone. I feel we have some serious issues to work out but he's not letting me in and I'm at a stand still. I feel like he's annoyed by me and he pushes me away. He's not the man I fell in love with. Do I support him until or if he gets over whatever it is he's going through that's affecting this? I keep asking him if he still even wants to be with me and I said that he if it's what he wanted, I'd go. So he got angry and shouted "Fine. I'll just call home and move back with them" "is that what you really want?" "no, but it seems like what you want" He's just been so hurtful and cold. I just want us to be the couple everyone envied again. He's also not the type that if we did break up, he wouldn't want back together. He believes that if it's over..it's over. I believe in taking time, but know that's not an option. (yes, i've brought it up) Is it time for me to let go? Or should I stand miserably by him and wait it out?
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female
reader, G.Maria.S +, writes (22 February 2007):
G.Maria.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou see, anonymous, the only problem is that the affection has not stopped altogether. He has a history of depression/anxiety and has been on medication for it before. There are many reasons he can find himself depressed. He thinks he's a loser at a dead end job and not in college. He has very few friends in the town we moved to. He doesnt' make THAT much money and neither do I, so very little do we get out and have a lot of fun. His parents just split up at the beginning of November and finalized a divorce in just the past couple of weeks. And before I knew about his depression because of his postings on web sites that we both go to such as facebook and such, he actually hid his sadness from me. I doubt he is intentionally acting moody. He is also showing other signs of depression. He cannot sleep and he barely eats There have also been instances in the past couple of days to where he gets slightly better for a couple of hours in which he does show affection. Actually, this very morning, he could not sleep so I woke up with him. As we were lying in bed he took me into his arms and sincerely said "I love you" and gave me a kiss, to where he then gained a little bit of a sex drive back for a little bit and afterwards I stayed in bed and as he left he hugged me, covered me up and kissed me and said "I love you" again. So no, I really don't think our situations are the same. I just think that in the beginning of this mess, I was too pushy too fast, trying to force him into feeling better, and trying to force him talk to me. I've been thinking really hard about it and asking other opinions. And like I said, if he doesn't want to be with me, he still deserves happiness all the same.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): I have had experience of exactly the same thing. My boyfriend and I were together for two and a half years. We had an enviably good relationship and things were perfect right up until the last couple of months. He then began to withdraw emotionally. He became sullen and depressed. He was much less affectionate than before. I tried to get him to open up about it, but he would not talk to me or just give me one-word answers. I knew in my heart that something was wrong but tried to blame it on a period of depression/stress. Like you, I became so miserable. I started crying after phone calls and even (so he couldn't see) when we were spending time together, because the difference in his behaviour versus how it used to be was so stark. Eventually I started crying in front of him and asking why he was being this way and it turns out, yes, he wanted to break up, but that he didn't know how to end it. He said he had been thinking things weren't right for a couple of months. He also said he thought if he was miserable for a bit I would like him less and it would make the breakup easier. Hopefully this will not happen to you, but I would be prepared for it, because I think a woman's intuition should be trusted. I would keep talking and keep talking and if he IS trying to end it then he will probably come out with it at some point. But make him take responsibility for the break. Don't make life easy for him by you being the one to suggest that you split up. He has to be mature enough to do the decent thing. Really hope your situation is different from mine! Good luck.
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A
female
reader, G.Maria.S +, writes (22 February 2007):
G.Maria.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are very very kind 3 and I have decided to push through this and wait it out. He seems very depressed but has made the first step in helping himself. He feels like a loser because he is not in college and has little friends. He is finally filing his FAFSA though he still has a way to go. I have made sure he knows I'm here and have gave him a few cheap smiles here and there. However, I have made the decision to back off. If he wants to sort through his issues on his own, all I can do is be there to support him. He has been showing some signs of care off and on, but after thinking hard, a lot of the problem may be his depression and me pushing him so hard to let me help. Some things you just need to figure out on your own and I think I finally understand that. I can't be sure of what the reasons are, or how long it'll take, but I am willing to be there for him, even if right now-he can't fully appreciate it. I am very devoted and willing to wait. I'm more concerned than anything, and even if in the end, I am part of the problem or if he truly doesn't want to be with me, he's a very good, sweet and kind man and I still wish him happiness.
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A
female
reader, nicola79  +, writes (21 February 2007):
 You poor thing,I know how hard this must be for you but you really do need to make this move for both your sakes.
I do no what its like to be in a relationship that seems all one sided.
You must sit down with him and tell him that you love him so so much and really want to be there for him,and if he ever needs to let it all out then you are there.
But also you seem so drained with this relationship that if you let this carry on the way it is doing then maybe that you end up with depresion.
Tell him you are loyal to him and will continue to be but maybe that you need a fiew days away from each other so he can figure out what he really wants.
What I want to say to you from my heart and past experiences is please dont stay for the wrong reasons, he may be playing you and I just wish that I was with you now so I could speak to him for you. Let him know that even though you adore him, you are not a pushover and need loving back.
Please write back to me to let me know how you are doing, I wish I was with you so I could give you a big hug,but I will send you lots of kisses.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
female
reader, G.Maria.S +, writes (20 February 2007):
G.Maria.S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the answer but I'm still so confused. He has a history of anxiety/depression and before i figured out about his depression, we were doing okay. Then I figured out through some of his status' and such on facebook and his profiles all kept calling himself a loser because he had a dead end job and wasn't in college. I figured out that something was wrong and kept trying to figure it out. I think this irritated him because now he's become this way. A friend of ours says that he thinks he still loves me and is just having a hard time but sometimes I just don't know. I've considered that he may just want to break up but I'm the only girl he's ever been with so I was afraid that maybe he didn't have the guts to do so because he was afraid. I'm so lost and miserable
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A
female
reader, nicola79 +, writes (20 February 2007):
What a loyal and loving person you are, This is a bit tricky???? I would say that there could be 2 things to think about here.1) He is depressed,if so he really must go and see a doctor because he could end up very ill.2) Sorry sweety but he may just want to break up,he may just not want to do it. My meaning by this is he may be trying to make you feel so fed up that you end up ending it your self.If he is wanting this to happen then he is a waster and doesnt deserve you. Ask your family and your best friend what they think as they know him,but please dont stay in a relationship just because you have been together a long time,I know you love him but you only get one chance in life. Please let me know how you feel about this.xxxxxxxxx
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