A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am lusting after another female colleague. She is also bi-sexual. I've known her a year but only recently did we start getting to know each other better as she has moved into my office at work. We flirt a lot by teasing each other and play fighting and she has took a big interest in my sex life, asking me questions about my sex toys, underwear and sexual interests and she keeps bringing it up. I have recently moved house and she keeps asking me when is my house warming party. I replied to her saying she would drink me out of my home to that she said yes three drinks and I'm anyone's in a very cheeky way and then suggested we could play twister together. I thought all the signals were there so I casually yet teasingly gave her my number when we were discussing our old school exams. We were both claiming our own GCSE exam was harder than each other's. I slipped her a past exam in her office draw and left a note saying if you get stuck on this exam you can always text me ;) followed by my number. I thought this was a clever way to give her my number. However she never texted me and just wrote me a note back which didn't really say anything of interest it just concerned the contents of the exam paper. Now I'm left very confused, I know this lady has been single for 13 years and has not even had sex in 13 years (she told me) but I do feel like I've made things obvious with my flirting and vice versa. I also feel rejected in terms of friendship, I mean friends texts, she texts others a lot at work. Why am I any different? I felt it was slightly rude that she didn't text me. I thought we could at least be good friends as we had been talking about intimate things and she had confided in me too. It's also her birthday soon and guess what? No invite. A couple of people are invited from the office but not all. I decided that because she didn't text me or invite me to her party I should try to distance myself, so I cooled things and made little but polite conversation with her but she is still flirting and if anything she's flirting more. I have confided with a work mate about all this and he told me that she is very odd and he has never understood her in the ten years of knowing her. I am very confused by her hot and cold actions. I just don't understand her. I can't even avoid her at work. Any advice on how to deal with this weird situation would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): Man, if I had a dime for every time I've seen her "type" in the office, well, I might just be Donald Trump!People like your co-worker are insecure and deficient of attention and they have some personal baggage they bring into an environment where it does not belong.Getting your ego stroked and playing mindless flirting games has no place in a place of business. Period. You are there to work, not to play games. Not only is she flirting with you but she is flirting with disaster by making a spectacle of herself and of you where your reputations are at stake, both personally and professionally.You are both going to be the circus side show of your office. Don't think people aren't already watching and gossiping behind your backs. They are. So, it's up to you if you'd like to continue being the star of your own office reality show. And please refrain from telling co-workers how you feel and what is going on. You cannot trust anybody in an office. Many co-workers will pretend to be your friend. Pretend to be empathetic. But they are not either. They are just attempting to amuse themselves at your expense. Remember this. When it comes time to put the knife in your back, they are going to do it effortlessly. Especially if it comes down to saving their own skin.Trust me. Co-workers live for this stuff. It makes the mundane work environment a little more exciting. Something to look forward to at work the next day. What will so and so do today? What will she say? What is going to happen next? I know it sounds sad but people like to watch others crash and burn. There is some sort of odd fascination with it. Because most people are too afraid to engage in similar overt behaviour although vicariously they live through others who do engage. So, my advice is to be polite to her but create distance. Do not talk to her unless it is necessary and unless it involves work related issues. No more personal talk about sex toys and the like. You already made the mistake. It is not too late to correct your behaviour. The longer this goes on, the worse it will get. If you value your job, your reputation and have self respect, you will pull back right away. She is seeking your attention to make herself feel better. Do not give it to her. She is using you. She does not give one crap about you. If you lost your job tomorrow, she would continue happily without giving you another thought. She would just find someone else to mindlessly flirt with. In fact, I would bet you are not the only one she does this with. You are there to work. From this day on, show her you are better. Be confident. Professional. And happy. Do not show her that her actions have affected you. You can do it. She is not worth it. Deep down, you know it. And she is going to back away. And wouldn't that be grand? For her to stop being so ridiculously flirtatious in a work place? Playing with your feelings? Gambling with your job? Reputation? Think about what's at stake. Not worth it. Lust is a funny thing. Makes us behave like fools. Now it is time to think with your head. Stop this foolish behaviour. You are only deluding yourself. Bringing yourself down. You have the power to change everything. Never give your power away to people like her. Never.In the end, if this continues, if you ALLOW it to continue, she is going to make a fool out of you.Do you want to be a fool in front of all your co-workers in your place of business?You cannot take back the damage to your reputation once it is done.
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (14 June 2016):
 By the way. I also agree with the others that you've (both) gone *way* over what's acceptable at work. I know she initiated and encouraged it, but it was unprofessional and you shouldn't have let yourself get caught up in it. Flirting at work needs to be a lot more subtle and only get chatting about sexual things (like underwear and such) outside of work - even if she starts asking you inappropriate (for work) questions, you keep it professional and maybe suggest that you only talk about stuff like that over drinks. That way, she has no ammo for a harassment case (should things go sour) and she would know for a fact that you'd like to meet for drinks.Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's interested in more than just excessive flirting, but you should no longer discuss her with colleagues or talk to/with her in an unprofessional manner - even if she does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): Good Lord you've given her all sorts of ammunition if she would ever want to get you fired. Take a look at what she says and what she does, this is kind of a no-brainer, how old are you, you haven't learned this yet?
There's absolutely no evidence to support she's bisexual. The only evidence you have is that she's extremely nosy, extremely willing to engage in flirtatious talk, but beyond that? Yeah not so much.
If you want to keep your job, you have to get into cover your ass mode and stop engaging in any kind of flirtatious "ha ha" sex toys talk with her and start doing your job without all the flirting stuff.
Look at it this way, you have made it very clear that you were interested in her and she did not take the bait. Time to pull on up the drawbridges and protect your career.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 She's not had sex or a relationship in 13 years? I would take that as a red flag. And then when she's all over you, flirting with you, yet obviously she doesn't want anything to evolve from there on... It becomes clear why she is single/sexless, doesn't it? She doesn't want things to develop. She loves the attention, and that's it.
Don't waste your time on her. As a final resort, if you need to figure out for sure, kiss her. See her reaction. But, if she hasn't texted you, she's not interested. She knows how to use a phone and send a text. She's not texting you because she doesn't want to. She's just a tease who gets off on flirting and feeling wanted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): Asexual means lack of sexual attraction, so I don't think this suggests that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): May I tell you your behavior in a business-atmosphere is most inappropriate. Does any work get done under so much distraction?
Now lets get to your question. This woman is just a tease. She likes attention and it strokes her ego to know you're in hot pursuit. As inappropriate as it all is. Sometimes people lie and say they're gay to set you up. All this is done one-on-one. Then it's he-said-she-said. Your word against hers. She just might report all this to Human Resources. Now it looks like you're after her, and she's avoiding your passes.
You're not in a relationship of any kind; so she has no obligation to invite you to her birthday celebration, or any affair of a personal nature.
Ethically and business-wise; she shouldn't be so forward. You should be aware by now that she's only toying with you. Wallowing in the attention and getting narcissistic-supply from your constant attempts to win her over. Only for her to dodge or reject your efforts. Asking you highly personal questions and testing your naivete. I wouldn't trust her so much, were I in your shoes.
Dial back your behavior and become more professional. I don't recommend discussing such things with co-workers. You will lose professional respect, it will appear you're pursuing her but she's avoiding your inappropriate advances. Gossip will fly. Not only that, but by the time word gets back to her; the facts will be completely skewed. She will assume you are talking behind her back. That could bring on retaliation.
Date away from your job. Back-off your colleague. Your confusion is your wishful thinking out-of-control. You're being too aggressive in your pursuit, and I can only see this blowing up in your face. It's not innocent, and the flirting is disrespectful both-ways. This is how naive people are lured into sexual-harassment lawsuits.
This is your workplace. This is were you earn your living in order to keep a roof over your head and food on your table. You're playing with fire. You are showing signs of irritation and frustration. Your job-performance may start to suffer, or she may be purposely sabotaging your job.
You just told us you are lusting after her. Then you said you can't avoid her. You don't have to avoid her. Just stop the inappropriate behavior and remain serious and professional when she starts to push your buttons. Behaving professionally means being disciplined, polished, and having a demeanor that demands respect. Follow the professional code of ethics established by your workplace.
You can't change her, but you can change your own behavior.
If you're not receptive, she'll feel and look foolish. She'll back down and maybe everyone can concentrate on getting work done. Now you know she's only a tease, and may even be trying to set you up. Back-off! Back-off now! Do not discuss her with co-workers, you have no right to do that. If she is digging a hole for you, you've given her plenty of help.
No need for paranoia, but I've run an office for a long time.
This just doesn't feel right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): You definitely need to reign all this in A LOT. I also live in the UK but know no office that would tolerate talk about sex toys, underwear and sexual interests.
This woman says "Three drinks and I'm anyone's" yet she hasn't had sex for over a decade so clearly she's all talk. She's not used your number or invited you to her party so she has no intention of getting to know you better.
I'd forget about her and busy yourself with work after all that's what you're there for. All the banter and flirty talk could lose you your job. A young man where I work was recently fired for playfully kicking a girl on the knee despite the fact that she was OK about it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 I would look elsewhere for a partner. Outside of work and someone else than her.
She obviously like to flirt, but not much more. Could be that she is leaning towards being asexual or just not REALLY interested in relationships.
Treat he as a flirt, nothing more. Someone who wants to have a bit of fun but nothing further. She likes the attention and it makes her feel attractive, fun and alive.
If you aren't comfortable flirting without there being an "endgame"... tone it down and phase it out.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (13 June 2016):
 She seems to be have just been flirty but thats pretty much it. Girls, regardless of sexual orientation Ive noticed can be flip flopping and unsure about their feelings. Even as a straight female I can have mix feelings about men Ive dated, slept with, to even loving them and then feeling nothing for them next day. Part of being a woman right? lol
Just want you to know it prob has nothing to do to with you. Shes probably just being flirty for fun but didnt think youll take her up on it for real. Not texting is a sign shes not interested (because she would have done it right away if she was). I'd say move on and keep dating!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2016):
Distance is good. Maybe say "I hope your birthday celebration is fantastic" and genuinely smile.
I think this may just be a work "flirtationship", rather than something she wants to act on. If you want to continue flirting, without hope for a relationship, go for it - but don't hold your breath for it to be any more than that.
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