A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thank youI've been with someone for 7 months we are exclusive. He's good to me, treats me well except when it comes to his ex which he claims there "just friends". I have been trying hard to believe it BUT my intuition is telling me otherwise. I feel he has some feelings still left and in order for us to move on he needs to let go of her. They do share 2 children, he visits his kids over @ her place. I've asked him to perhaps bring them over to his place to visit, or take them out somewhere but he doesn't. They play sports together, which makes me feel uncomfy as I sit and watch them play. They text and email one another which he erases as I've asked to see what's been said. He defends her and makes excuses for her behaviour when she calls him and I can hear her yelling and swearing. He takes her word over his kids words, which I told him he needs to listen to his kids and not always to her and what she says. I have out right asked him if he still has something for "her" he said,"no" yet I feel there's something that's just not right. He claims their just friends and he sticks up for his friends. He trys hard to maintain closeness with her other kids(they're not his) and it makes me feel he's trying at any angle to remain in her life. Yes, they have two children together, and yes they should be in contact in regards to those children. Its all these extra things going on that makes me uncomfy. Am I over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): When one's INTEGRITY is in question- it is because it is revealed that one's words do not align with their actions.
Your BF may say he has no feelings of hope or desire for his Ex but his actions reveal that he is over stepping boundaries of fidelity to you.
I think this is what is upsetting to you. I agree, He should not be alone with his Ex or even still share the intimacy of Marriage and Family by participating in such events that give off the appearance to others, even the children, that all is well and they are a Family. This is a confusing message and will give the children the false sense or hope that the parents will get back together.
I think both your BF and his EX are still reliant on one another for companionship, friendship, intimacy. This is dishonest. If they are uncertain if they are 100% committed to terminate their Marriage, they should not be dating as this is unfair to those they are dragging into their uncertainty and creates unnecessary hurt feelings and drama.
I agree that boundaries should be put in place. Its fine to remain civil and to share information about the children but that is where such civilties should end. Beyond that would be too comfortable and too familiar. Overly so in fact.
Your BF relationship is not ended. Its being drawn out and BF and the EX are for who knows what reasons; are allowing it to happen. Its not just one- its both.
I say its time to tell the BF how you feel and seek couple's counselling.
If this dynamic continues- I say walk. You deserve a faithful, committed man of Integrity.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (26 November 2012):
 I left my husband when my boys were 3 and 5. WE had lots of daily contact (cell phones and internet were not yet very popular) in the beginning but I never visited the kids at his place nor he at mine. YES we saw each others homes and where our children lived when not with us but that was it.
We did not have activities together that did not directly involve the kids (school events and such)
Even birthday parties were separate... the ones at mom's house were not the same as the one's at dad's house.
They play sports together and text about things not kid related? TRUST your gut.
He's not done with the ex and I'd be ending the relationship.
It's easy to co-parent with an ex if both parties are mature and both wanted out of the relationship.
I love my ex husband's wife. I talked to her on thanksgiving about the children (who are now 26 and 28)
your partner is not behaving properly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Ok let me get this straight. They play sports together, why? Someone needs closure here. Have you seen the way they correspond while playing? He's taken and its time he acts like your important and cut all the ties with her other then his kids. He goes to her house to visit the kids? If that was my boyfriend I'd tell him to stay there. C'mon now wake up he's not being honest about this friendship. I'm not saying there's cheating but he's waiting for something and let him wait as you move on to another who makes you the priority.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 The nice thing about being a woman.... and having "woman's intuition" is that it helps clear a path through the fog that we guys hope you ladies will find yourselves in whilest we are acting like guys.....
Follow your instincts.... and tell this guy that he MUST adjust the form and location of his kid-visits IF he expects to continue spending time with you....
Anything else... and he has you cow-towing to him... and "buying" his line about how he has no control over the contact he has with his kids... and - Oh, by the way - I have to spend time with my ex- whilest I'm visiting them....
RIIIIIIGHT!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 November 2012):
 They play sports together, which makes me feel uncomfy as I sit and watch them play.
What? He and his ex play sports while you watch? Why would you even go?
You should not ask what they are talking about. He may not have a thing for her but he may feel like a hero to a damsel in distress. After all it feels good to be needed. In my opinion exes as parents should only deal with each other in a civil manner. When I date people with exes and children, I pick them because I trust their intention for me and I trust that they are over each other. I would want as little detail as possible about the exes. If there's nothing broken don't fix it. Time to pick up kids. Where. Money. If one of them can't find anyone else to talk to it's her problem. Having 4 kids is not easy. Her yelling and screaming proves how difficult life is for her. Your boyfriend may get a perverted sense of confidence that her life is suffering without him. However, he is out of her life. She can attend parenting skills class or ask family members to help.
You are not overreacting. He is not doing anything horrible. There is this ick factor in their continued relationship that no new outsiders want to be a part of. He seems to enjoy the drama stirred up by both women. Jealousy and boundary issues.
Cheating is not what I worry here. The problem I see here is that he is not treating you as good as you want him to, like not a priority. You want more of his time and it sounds like they are going to celebrate Christmas together. I would not tolerate them playing happy family. Only him and the kids, fine, but not with his ex too. Men who tried too hard to avoid baby mama drama will only end up being half single, meaning the exes still have control over what they do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Honey he's into his ex. Someone will make you first in their life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Ok there's no reason he needs to be at her place. Is he visiting there kids or is he wanting to make the excuse to be with her. I would be suspicious too. It should be about the kids and he shouldn't be defending her. I think he's using excuses to remain in contact.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 I agree. I think there are a lot of unsettled feelings there, and that you're doing nothing but getting caught in the middle. There's no part of this where you win. My advice would be to put everything on hold and concentrate on you until he's ready to be part of your relationship and not the old one.
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