A
male
age
41-50,
*LoBaL mInD
writes:Hi all..I'm very new here. I have an issue with relationships. They all end the same way.I just recently was engaged and I have always treated my women like gold. I am very loving, caring, romantic, affectionate and down to earth.My woman was very much in love with me... though it seemed. I would always get letters, cards and emails saying how lucky she was to be with me, how grateful and how she she couldn't live without me. I felt mutual and being romantic like I am I loved to return the favor by doing the same kinda stuff for her. Time went by and we got engaged.. still saying all the things she said. We did have a few issues. She liked her space. I liked spending time with her. Never seen it as much more then that. Sometimes I'd also catch her with wondering eyes. She said she liked to "people watch" which for me that spells disrespect if your staring at the opposite sex checking them out in front of your partners face. She said it wasn't like that for her, she just liked watching people in general. For an example, I was in the store with her standing in a circle with the owner of the place, her and my daughter. My daughter is only 5 and we were having a conversation. About 15 feet behind my fiancee at the time were two guys around my age (30) we're talking about who knows what when my fiancee has her head totally turned around looking at them and kinda laughing with them and trying to kinda make them notice her. This is only an example of what I kinda had these kinda moments with her quite often threw our relationship. Of course it would upset me and I would ask her afterwards not to do that cause it's not polite for either party. She would get very defensive and angry and state I was jealous. I don't know if it is jealousy because I have never been a jealous person, but I guess if you give me reason to I will be. I'd also get other things from her for example, she text me she was at the bank and asked me if I wanted to sleep over, I told her yes and that we'd pick up some dinner. 5 minutes later I had break and I always called her on break as she always called me on break.. When I called her she seemed annoyed with me.. I said what's wrong hun.. "nothing I just text you telling you I was at the bank" so I said ok I just wanted to say hi I'm on break.. "but why are you calling me" with an attitude.. I was like okay later! Things like that.. and then when I would mention it to her later that night.. she'd be like why you bustin chops..etc. so those issues were many but I didn't understand them. Especially since I was so kind and good to her.. but she wasn't always like that either and for the most part our relationship was beautiful. As a matter of fact that scenerio I just explained about the bank.. that snowballed for her to come over that night and storm out on me. She never really returned. She cancelled our wedding and told me she needed space. It's been about a month now and I have only seen her about 4 times. I'm destroyed about it. I was in love with her. Her only answers are she doesn't know how she feels. I explain to her "WHAT?.. you wanted to marry me.. I was the one.. you were so excited!!?" She don't really have many excuses besides she said she felt smothered and like I was jealous. I wasn't though.. and her idea of being smothered was because I liked to call her and ask her to hang out. GOD this wasn't my girlfriend she was my fiancee.. You want space space space but we are getting married. What would you do then?.. Now the worse part is this.. where I feel by now we should have kissed and made up.. she is still in I don't know mode. She don't know what? She knows she loves me.. but doesn't know how much really. She don't understand why she hasn't been dying to see me. She feels she should be dying to see me and she is not. I feel she should be DYING to see me too.. I have been dying to see her. I sensed this for a while this feeling.. but I have been wonderful to her.. and she always came across as a hard person. When I say hard I mean like she tends to have a cold streak in her. I can't even believe she went as far as cancelling the wedding. I read much what people wrote on this board with simular situations. I agree with some.. where if when this happened I was calling her, texting her, trying to show her I have fight in me for her.. and not only trying to show her that.. I couldn't help doing that because I loved her. I wanted my soon to be wife back, but the more I seemed to do that the more she got pissed. So I backed off.. and now she is uncertain.. and she sorta states she don't even know if she wants to be with me no more. She definitely hasn't found anyone new.. and this I know for sure. She says she won't either she is not like that. She said she has enough feelings going on that she wouldn't be able to. Plus she says that most her feelings are because of me and she does love me.. she couldn't just go to someone else at this point and she claims she's got no interest that she much rather be alone if we don't work out for now. I do notice though one thing.. she still has me. In the sense that as long as I answer her text message every so often.. she really isn't feeling what it feels like to have me gone.. no connection what so ever. I feel that is my fault and I should probably cut all ties no matter how much I love her and miss her. What do you guys think?...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): It could be that she wants to break it off altogether but is afraid to say so. Ask her whether this is the case. If not, ask whether she would like to get together to talk about the issues of space etc. I wonder what else you have in your life? Do you want your fiancee to be everything to you? Are you asking for an unhealthy amount of time? I'm not saying you are, just to think about it. And talk about it to her if possible.In the end, you both have to be yourselves and it is better to find out now whether you can work your way through this. If you can, it's a good basis for a marriage and if you can't it isn't, because that is what it is all about, whether you can work things out.
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (17 August 2007):
Well let me just start off by telling you, you arent alone! Many other people (males and females) go through what you are going through. I myself have been through asimilr situation where I wanted to be with my bf 24/7...and he was the type to 'like his space'. Its very hard to deal with and its even more hard to not take it persnaly and assume things like, maybe they just dont love me as much as I love them.
Also like your situation, me and my ex bf, would have fights about him not wanting to be around me so much. He also made it very obvious when he would be checking out girls, and oh my god, he also said he was just 'people watching'. Now i partly believe that, because he is a obervant person, is your fiance a observant person? does she watch females AND males? However when explaining to my bf that it was disrespectful, he just didnt seem to get it.
In the end I put it down to having very different values and beleifs. And having similar values in a relationship is really important. Especialy when it comes to what each person defines as giving respect- because you need respect in a relationship and you feel like you are not geting it, but she seems to think that what shes doing isnt disrespectful.
After havign numerous fights between my bf and I about him needing his space and me wanting to spend more time wiht him, and him checking out other girls...it came to the point where he was angry at me! ME! When I did nothing wrong. He then needed to 'be by himself' to be able to think about whether or not this relationshi is going to work and if he wanted to be in it and he didnt contact me for a long time.
I eventualy decided that it shoudlnt be that hard for him to decide whether or not he wants to be in the relationship. I left him.
So I guess what I am saying is, I see your situation as similar to mine, however you are engaged which probably means your feelings are even more deeper then what mine may have been. I think that there just seems to be very different values here and you fiance cant seem to understand where you are coming from.
I would leave her if I was you...there would be so many other girls out there who would be DYING to spend so much time with you...like me. I would love for a bf who wanted to spend so much more time with me. It would be great! So why be with someone who doesnt appreciate that?
And why be with someone who does things that they know you feel is disrespectful and who just places the blame on you by saying you're just jealous? (my bf did that too by the way...).
Its not right I think...
feel free to message me if you want to talk anymore. hope ive helped somehow.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): The best thing to do (however difficult) is to distance yourself from this woman, you need to make her realise that it is not fair to expect you to put your life on hold and hang around forever while she decides whether she wants you or not.
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