A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:What a relief to see the responses of so many others in the same boat! I have been feeling horribly guilty that I, a devout ordained Christian, can't seem to stop thinking about a married man. The connection we have came at our first meeting--it was instant and complete. In the most innocuous social settings, I will look up to find him gazing at me--our eyes get locked on one another and messages pass without a word. I will NEVER cause another to stumble from their vows or cause an occasion for sin, but I can't seem to put him back inside the boundary of "people I like but can hold at an arm's distance." I am a "mental-health widow" as I call it--divorced because my husband's mental health deteroriated so badly he was unable to distinguish reality (although it was never a very good marriage.)I do date and see other people--I've had people fall in love with me (even some of them married-yuck)but I can't get this guy out of my head. I like his wife, his daughter is "best friend's forever" with mine. It all seems so sweet and innocent except for the many times when we seem to read in each other's eyes such a yearning that cannot be expressed. We think alike, talk alike, have the same sense of humor, even the same stubbornness.We've tried to talk about it, but its never been effective. It feels perilous to admit too much feeling--I don't think either of us want to end our friendship but neither of us want to cause pain to his family (or mine for that matter--my kids love to see him as a father figure already!)I've tried distancing--deliberately not being in the same gatherings and he will not come to my house unless others are there. This is not just a lonely woman with a crush--as if I've ever had time to be lonely!)--and it feels like mroe than just a sexual attraction. Its as if we are silently mourning that the person we could each call "the other half" is off-limits. I have prayed, sunk myself into other relationships, been angry at him, made lists of his faults...and still it takes my breath away to see him. Still my heart thumps whenever I spot a car that might be his. What can I do with this? I am asking God to send me wisdom from others. I am even considering packing up my children and moving away from the area--even though this will cause a great deal of upheaval and not just for our families but for a whole church.I can't believe God would put me in such an excruciating dilemma so what am I not seeing? Sometimes I kick myself into thinking I am deluded about how he feels, and then he'll stop by to fix something in my house...and stand close and just LOOK at me...and it is all THERE. In desperation I have even consulted a psychic (SOOOO not what I believe in but it felt like "any port in a storm") who said we are "lovers from a past life who are destined to be together again." Well, I only believe in this life and the next life forever with God so that answer didn't help much. ANyone else have thoughts, ideas, wisdom, help to express? Thanks so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Plenty of food for thought.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): I don't think there is a aimple answer, but a few things that might help (based on personal experience, though not quite as extreme, still ongoing but able to smile wryly to myself about it now rather than obssess):
Remember that the qualities you find attractive in him include (presumably) his loyalty to his wife & child - those would be irretrievably damaged if he took the feelings he has for you any further and you would (probably) respect him less for it
Find some other activities and interests you can get involved in - the more time you are really deeply involved in, perhaps music, volunteering, hill-walking, morris dancing or whatever the less time you have to think about him (or to think about how you shouldn't be thinking about him, which is equally seductive...)
Read about "limerence" (google it..) and realise that you are not alone in having these seemingly illogical thoughts
Look at the newspapers/ soap operas/ novels and see the terrible things people can do to eachother if they allow themselves to be swept along by every strong attraction, ignoring the constraints.
Be kind to yourself. You are not a bad person or any less a Christian for having these strong temptations. God gave us a capacity to love, and if you truly love this man and care about his wife and daughter you WILL be increasingly able to keep these feelings in a box and not have to get them out and wallow in them all the time. Don't despair. Do you have a close trustworthy female friend you could confide in? Hope some of this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2007): Hi, I know exactly how you feel and what you are dealing with! I am a married woman in love with a married man, a Christian, connections between the two families, etc. etc. I don't want to go into details for fear of being recognized although I know the internet is a big place. It gives me little hope when I read how hard you have tried to get that man out of your mind, because I wanted to try praying more, etc. I really don't know the answer either, but just know there are others of us who are dealing with the same thing. I seem to have lost myself and my independence due to this experience and I don't like being this way! Like you, I would never act on my feelings and I don't believe he would either. Yet I see no way out of these feelings for him!Sorry I couldn't be of more help to you.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (30 July 2007):
 Maybe it's a test. Pass it.
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