A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with this boy for 6 months, I met through my friend and its been on and off as he moved over to Australia in November, but yet we are continuing to try stay together for him coming back this November. We argue quite a lot now as recently he’s started talking to this girl that constant lies and made stuff up about me and caused a lot of trouble for me in the past. He used to not mind me knowing his face book password as he knew it made me feel like he trusts me that way, but as soon as he started talking to her he changed it and since then a can’t stop worrying or crying, he don’t tell me how much I mean to him, phone me as much or anything. He texts her while on the phone to me and sometimes phones me. He really knows how a work to be honest and its like he knows it upsets me at points. I asked him not to get close to her because it will split me and him up, but it looks like they are starting to get close, he talks to her the way he did with me at the start which he said he’s never done with any other girl. I know it was wrong to ask him to choose but I tried to and he said me at first then phoned back and said her as she wouldn’t make him pick, but I know why she’s talking to him as she knows it upsets me, she’s done it in my past relationships and its worked, but he just wont let her go. He says she helps him with stuff about me and him but a don’t want him talking to a girl I really dislike about my relationship, he isn’t a person for opening up and I respect that but he’s known me for 7 months and her for only a week and a half and he can talk to her about our relationship. I recently told him I have been hiding stuff from him as he had enough going on and that I have been acting confident and I’m really not. But when I told him my mum had a miscarriage and that he didn’t say nothing but now your making me feel bad, but a really wasn’t a just didn’t want him thinking I was hiding things from him. He phones me every night for a 2 hour phone call and only then sometimes he tells me how much I mean to him and it makes me forget about all this other girl stuff until I sign on face book to see he’s liked her pictures and comments on every single status of hers, and then a just cry. I am normal but chubby size and I thought with the girls over there they will all be skinny so a thought I had to be better, he tells me that isn’t what he wants but then acts like it is, with this girl being really skinny am worried he finds her nicer. I try and talk to him on the phone about it but he just says I love you and only you, you are my ONLY girl, and that am his number one, a just want him to act like he wants me if he does and treat me like his girlfriend and not just another girl, I know this is his first proper relationship where he’s felt something properly for someone and I know he isn’t good with relationships, he told me that, but no one is, but I just want him to try and make me feel like am his only like the way he used to before things got difficult. To be honest a just feel like she’s replacing me more and more everyday, and a really don’t know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, you've helped me alot and realise a few things xxxxx
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (1 February 2011):
 he's been mean to you, and he's being thoughtless to you right now. Don't chase him.
I know you are hurting really really bad. But the other girl is shallow, and not in your league. If, short term, she's getting close to him, Do NOT get all worked up. Because girls like her get up close and personal really fast with a guy. But guys tire quickly of such girls.
The longer he allows it continue the more
Effort he is going to have to put in, to win you back. Because you deserve to be treated well. You've told him you'll be faithful. You've told him how much he means to you.
So make him do the running, to get you back. Let him show you how much character he has. Let him prove how much he really loves you, when he's stopped making a fool of himself with this girl.
Don't follow up right now. He'll either wise up, realise this other girl is just playing a game, and eventually behave more respectfully.
Or he may take longer to come to his
senses.
And even when he comes to his senses he is going to know he's been an idiot with this girl. And he may end up feeling really bad for his behavior.
Just let him find his way back to you. He'll be expecting you to be angry. So surprise him and be dignified and Assertive about what is and what is not acceptable to you. No arguing. No yelling. Just quiet, firm, assertive.
A quiet firm assertive approach is always more powerful. It keeps the control with you.
I thought of a great way to help you get through this year. First get a large ruled empty journal book. Keep it at home. And private. You don't have to write in it every day. But write in it every time you do something good and positive FOR you. Or how you successfully overcame an obstacle or conquered a challenge. It will end up being your positive achievement ournal of how you spent your time in 2011. You'll realise what a turning point this year is, when you read it later. It's private. That's why it's better on paper. And not on line. One day you may let your guy read it, so he can realise what you went through.
Be patient. It's mean that you have to face this long absence for 2011. a LDR is one of the most difficult experiences when you love the person. And he's being thoughtless about what this long absence means to you. It's a real test of character - his and yours.
It would be very easy to call it all too hard.
But women for centuries have endured LDR. Just think of women who had to wait for their guy while he was away because a war was on (1914-1918) or (1939-1945) Sometimes it's enough to make one wonder how they ever survived, but they did, most of them. And went on to reunite with their guy when he returned from the war.
You will get through this. Make a plan for the coming year of uplifting interesting good things you can do for you to make things bearable for you. Think about building on your skills. Think about a plan to eat very healthy. About trying to read some books. Explore your library - so many things to discover in there. See some good films. Think how you can build exercise into every day. Forget going clubbing as it will hurt too much and remind you that he's not with you.
So remain calm.
Not angry, not noisy.
Whereas when the yelling screaming argumentative person is making a noise = then that is the one who is not in control.
Come back to DC any time you want to talk it over or get more support.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni went to my bestfriends party that weekend there and because she cheats on her boyfriend he thinks am going to go away and cheat on him, i have told him what he means to me and that i wouldn't do that to hurt him but he always doubts me. i know its hard to trust from the long distance but he was drunk and text me saying "go and winch um" and "never talk to me agen" and "a hate you", i honestly broke down even though i know we will eventually talk, but having him say that hurt. he phoned and apoligized and said he never meant it.
the thing with this other girl just scares me because he sat on the phone to her for nearly an hour, and wasted his money on someone he's never met ?. and couldn't phone me ?, ever since they started talking he don't pay attention to my long texts or long mails i send him reminding him how much he means and about our good times, he used to send them back but hardly ever does now and it stopped as soon as he started talking to her.
should i try say something to him again, what should a say ?.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (31 January 2011):
i can feel your pain even though i discerned it purely from only your words.
The other (new) girl may be a pain in the butt. But don't allow the green eyed monster to ruin your bond with your guy.
And I imagine it was very difficult missing him over Christmas and the new year. LDR are so difficult and really do take great skill, tact, diplomacy and no jealousy required. LDR put great pressure on a relationship, and the long absences away from each other make things more awkward.
As far as the diffilcult girl. The thing is that if she is true to forn, then your guy will eventually see through her, and get sick of her. That is why you need to remain patiene. And positive when he phones you. You can try to things of good things happening all around you.
If you are a curvy girl the he probably loves curvy girls. But you can 'tone' your muscles while he is away. Look on the internet for toning using small weights. By filling a small drink container with water or sand. (lid back on, of course). And slowly lift the weight and slowly release. Or try marching on the spot, swinging the hand built weight. Also resistance bands are cheap, and very effective at toning muscles. He will notice the difference much later this year, when he returns.
Have faith in your guy. Because if you get too clingy, miserable and too jealous then that behavior will push him away. He is probably a good looking guy, and will talk to lots of
What a darling he is, that he phones you so regularly. Cherish that time, and try to bring lightness and happiness to those calls. So that he look forward to phoning
Facebook I can demolish in an instance. It's just a dumb stupid web site, given far more importance than it deserves. It's also a complete waste of time. 99% of the 'friends' on FB are people you do not know. And who you may never meet. And would not want to meet.
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