A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Boyfriend wants to get married in the future. But he's a big believer in being happy in yourself. He thinks that I believe that getting married will make me happy. But he says that getting married won't change anything and that I have to be happy enjoying the 'now' because if I'm not happy now, I won't be happy when I get married.Thing is - I'm not unhappy at all!! I guess, all my friends are party animals and then they are also all starting to get married and they will settle down when this happens I know. I have stopped the partying years ago in my mid twenties. I'm ready to settle down and I want to get married and have babies. But I was in an 8 year relationship before this and was strung along with excuses only to be told after 8 years that he didn't want to marry me. So now I am with my boyfriend for two years. We can't financially do the marriage thing for at least a year. I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't enjoy crazy partying like all my friends anymore, and I'm not getting married like all my friends are! Am I fair to feel this way? Is it me being in content? How do I overcome the frustration/disappointment and just accept that this is where I am in my life and stop waiting for more? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2014): OP here. Thanks for your advice. Chigirl I explained to him that his judging my level of happiness from how he perceives it is not fair, to trust me when I say I am happy. I explained that I didn't want to get married because my friends were like he also seems to think, but I do want to settle and have a secure family life.
Janniepeg, he is starting a business a few weeks so will be under a lot of pressure and financial stress from this. I know nothing will happen for a year at least. He's also feeling pressured, he is only getting off the ground with his career and can't believe the size and cost of some of the engagement rings that my friends receive lol.
It was a short talk but we got everything out in the open. So thanks
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 November 2014):
 He's feeling the pressure of meeting financial goals so to deflect you from being impatient he turned the issue on you. Since finances are either there or not, it's visible but the concept of happiness is relative and can be vague, he is using this pointless argument as a way to delay that pressure and to distract you from the real issue. Maybe you told him about your 8 year relationship too and that even makes him more pressured. Adding to the fact that your biological clock is ticking. Maybe he is not happy about his financial situation and projecting that on you. Do you know for sure in a year the finances will cover everything. Or is that just his way to postpone talking about marriage for a year?
You said it, the first sentence is that he wants to get married. Is he saying that just to prove he is not like your ex?
Can you be happy with him without getting married? Can you love him for who he is and not how much he makes?
I think for a man to feel genuine happiness, he needs to feel that a woman can be happy no matter what. It should feel like you two are against the world. You don't care about what your friends do, you don't keep up with the joneses, you accept him unconditionally even when he can't keep up with other people financially. When you are frustrated he takes it very personally. I think you can over come the frustration by realizing how sensitive a man can be. Your boyfriend is saying all that stuff about happiness but really what he wants to say to you is that he is feeling the pressure and hopes you understand.
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A
female
reader, deirdre +, writes (26 November 2014):
As usual I agree with chigirls answer. It sounds to me, like he is making excuses for not going ahead and getting married. I think the problem lies in himself, not how "happy or unhappy" you are.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 November 2014):
 I do not think it is fair of him to think he should be the judge of your level of happiness. You are the one who knows if you are ready or not. If he keeps putting it off, then what it comes down to is that he himself isnt ready. But it is easier to blame the other than to admit to faults in one self.
Do you want to marry him because everyone else is getting married, or because he is the one you want to marry? If you are happy with him , but he claims you need to be happier, then I would see this as a sign he doesnt see you as his future wife. He wants you to be something else... He doesnt recognice your happiness, or trust your happiness. Maybe he confuses happiness with the frustration you feel. I understand that frustratuon very well, it is not a good feeling to be in limbo. Try to talk to him about this.
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