A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I can't believe I'm writing this, but I don't know where to turn. I'm unsure if my issues are legitimate, or if I am blowing things out of proportion.My husband and I have been together for over 13 years, married for 7. Both in our forties, no childen, by choice. Over the years we have always had different interests but still seemed to enjoy good quality time together. Almost two years ago we were in a very serious car accident. Could have died. It changed me, in that it got me thinking about how fleeting life is and how I wanted to make the most out of what I have left. This desire manifested itself in taking up running and competing in races occasionally. I found out I love running and am always trying to improve. It's affected other aspects of my life as well, I'm more engaged at work and taking on new projects, and I'm always thinking about other ways I can express my creativity such as cooking, and so on, My husband, who has almost always been obese and sedentary, is even more so now. He's a good man and has a steady job and doesn't cheat on me or anything, but he's addicted to all of his electronic devices. First the computer, then the iPhone, now the iPad and the latest - Xbox. He will get out and do things with me from time to time but it's always ME that initiates it, and it feels like nagging. In addition, he is now smoking pot once a week which I agreed to initially as a weight loss incentive for him, but he's given up dieting but still smokes pot. (I hate it and am very anti-drug, so it's difficult for me) Tonight it all came to a head when he accused me of "bragging" about how "good of a runner" I am. I wasn't doing this at all - frankly I think I kind of suck as a runner, but apparently I was bragging. He has also admitted that he is envious of me but never does anything about it, like, start working out.Also, we decided that we would try something different next year and take separate vacations. He is going to The Netherlands which of course will include sitting around and smoke pot. I am going to a tropical island to do active things. He would never come to a tropical island with me because he hates the heat and doesn't really like active things. All he can talk about is what he's going to do when he goes there, it's months away.I feel like I am spending the best years of my life with someone I am not compatible with, but still love deeply. I don't have many friends anymore because I was focused on him, so maybe I should try and hang out with friends more. Problem is, I really want to do fun and active things with HIM and enjoy life with HIM but he's just not that guy. If he wants to spend the rest of his life sitting around staring at his iPad, smoking pot and playing video games, who am I to stop him? He's not abusive (maybe emotionally, a little) and I know he loves me, but I can't help thinking is this all there is?I am really at a loss as to what to do. I know if I try to discuss this with him he will get very defensive, but I'm just at the end of my rope. If you read this far, thank you. :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Maybe suggest counseling..I know people poo poo it...but I having seen a counsellor for awhile and let me tell you it helps. even if you end up going on your own) Maybe you should tell him...that you are so distressed with your relationship and worried that your relationship wont last...tell him that this is yours and his chance to sort things out.... If he loves you and wants it to work then he'll do it.... Theres no guarantee talking will heal your marriage but you will come out knowing what you don't want...just need to take the courage to make the changes to move on together or separately...good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010): People do change as they go through life stages. It seems to me you both love each other but not in love anymore. I think its time to move forward into the next stage of your life. If he does not want to come with you let him go.
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