A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I met my girlfriend in high school. We went to college in the same city. After college I bought an apartment and we moved together. We have been together for 10 years. I am her only serious boyfriend. We are the best friend of each other and we know as very well.In the last 2-3 months I felt that something was wrong and but I had some serious problems with my business and maybe (not sure) this is why I didn’t foresee the huge problem.One night she told me she is going out with her coworkers. I don’t enjoy much clubbing but if she likes it than I didn’t make much fuss about it. I work at home so that night I worked some more. In the morning I got worried, she didn’t come back and I thought something bad happened to her so I called. She rejected my call and I called back again. She answered and told me that she and her coworkers got drunk and slept at somebody’s house. I was pissed, she came home and we argued about what she did. She said she is very sorry, etc. but when the argument lowered she received an SMS. Her reaction told me that there was a lot more than what she told me. I asked her again what would I find in her phone and she confessed again. She told me she felt in love with a coworker and slept with him. From that moment we were both devastated.We talked more about it and she told me but she was only wondering how much he can play with his mind but felt in love with she found. She told me that she was planning to dump him and never tell me anything. She asked me what I want to do. I told her that I love her too much to let her go. She told me that she is not sure of her feelings and she opened her heart and remembered a lot of the stuff she didn’t like in our relationship up to now (Most of them I confirm that they were true but I thought we went over them).She told me she dumped the guy but she still has some feelings for him. She thinks that their relationship was nice but couldn’t be more than that. She isn’t very sure about us. She feels very guilty towards me, she is very disappointed about herself (she is one of the most moral person I know and I am not kidding). I know she is going through a lot of stress: she has a suicidal brother (which I don’t like and she knows it) that he is one of her crises. Her job sucks from all point of views and she cannot change it easily (she wants us to emigrate because of it) and now this affair started some rumors there. I told that I still love here and she can stay in the apartment until she makes her mind and I am doing my best to help here with the rest of the problems. Until now we were never pissed for more than 1-2 days. It has been 6 days of pure hell. Crying and nightmares for both, we talked a lot more about what happened and everything that I did wrong in the last 10 years, how in the beginning I wasn’t supportive with here family, how I don’t socialize enough, how we never take trips and rarely do what she wants, how I stifle her free spirit. Ok, I was selfish prick a lot of times but overall she confirmed we had a good time.I cannot sleep, eat, work, I am a wreck. Sometimes I think I lost her then some smile, plus that she doesn’t want our families and her close friends to find out makes me hope. I promised here that I will change my life (already started to do that) but there are a lot of concerns of being to late. I still want her back and waiting for her decision drives me crazy. I understand that some distance might be good but I will put her in a very difficult position (with the other aspects of her life). I would rather have her dump me than seeing her suffering even more. I want to give her time but my nerves are failing me and I am afraid I make mistakes. Some friend suggest to make her jealous, to make her aware the she can lose me. I don’t know what to do. I am desperate. Please help.
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affair, best friend, co-worker, drunk, jealous Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your support. We broke up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): Your girlfriend has told you what she wants. She wants fun and support and escape. You didn't give her these things so despite herself she began to look elsewhere for them. If you feel that you can provide these, you may still have a chance of rescuing your love.
If you're serious about wanting to keep your girlfriend, try this:
Agree to two days where you just go out and do wild and fun and new things together, and try as hard as you can to put aside your anger and baggage for this time. Help her forget her job and family problems, and even her own guilt. If you feel your own anger and upset bubbling up, just tell yourself that you can hold on to them until the 48 hours are up.
This gift of two days of forgiveness and forgetfulness may be very hard for you. But she also has to pony up. For instance, you can ask that for a certain amount of time, she cut off all non-work contact with her coworker, and do her best to get transferred or otherwise avoid him (even if she has to take vacation or sick days to do so.) You can also require absolute honesty and transparency, with assurances that her lies would hurt you more than the truth, and that you won't create a scene.
See how you feel about each other once you have made an effort to fulfill each others' needs. If you're feeling a little better, you'll know that continued work will eventually lift you out of this mess. It will take a long time for your gf to rebuild your trust, and for her to be convinced that you are all that she needs-- but it can be done if you both put in some honest labor.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has a trip until Sunday. I told her what I want and I also told her that she has time until Sunday night to decide. The outcome doesn't look good but I cannot continue this way. I hope for the best but it looks like winning the lottery.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): I hear a lot of you trying and don't really hear of what she is doing. Coming from experience I know how you feel. But in the end you need to care for each other and communication has to be an all time high. find time even if its only an hour for coffee flavored kisses. every day not only when its bad. also you need to tell her what you NEED ; (example) I want to hear that you want to have that time with me even if it's only 15 min. I want you hear. I want you next to me. and listen to what she wants/ needs. Going over the past again and again and again becomes redundant and gets you nowhere. You can make it through it but it takes both every day. starting one day at a time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): She took it to this level and started cheating. You didn't. Don't forget that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Well you really need to stop beating yourself up over this. Obviously her job doesn't suck as she fell in love with a co-worker. I'm guessig that she complained about her job alot to shift attention away from the affair. Also she told you she was planning to end it the day after she slept with him? That shows that she is either lying to you or is only ending the affair because she was found out. And don't buy into her guilt so much. She's probably guilty ONLY because she was found out. Meaning if she hadn't been caught she would have been guilt-free. So stop trying to pursue everything that YOU'VE done wrong in the past. Everybody makes mistakes & cheating on your partner isn't a solution.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (27 June 2008):
 She is putting all the blame on you and you are taking it as you feel it must be your fault that she cheated. It takes two to make it work and if she was that unhappy she could have spoken out about it rather than sleep with someone else, we all get the opportunity from time to time but we choose whether or not to act on it.
You are still only at the stage where it hurts so you are bending over backwards to please her, you will eventually feel anger over this and many other feelings too.
You need to ask her what she wants to happen now, if she is not prepared to make this work and try again for the happiness you had before then you have to let her go. Regardless of her cicrumstances she cannot leave you hanging on waiting for her to declare her undying love for you.
Dont do anything to make her jealous or get your revenge as you will only feel guilty if you love her and no good will come out of it. If you want to spend the rest of your life with her then tell her but make sure she knows you need to know where you are going in this relationship and only give her a certain time to decide.
If she hasnt decided by that time then you will have to make the decision yourself or you could be stuck like this for months and months and you will not feel any better than you do now.
I wish you good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): im sorry to say this but i would end it with her
let her break her life not you
tell her its over (god i hate them words)
hope it works out ok
xxx
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