A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been living with a guy for about 6 months....he is going through a divorce, he is so so sweet, he makes me feel so beautiful, and I love who I am when I am with him!! He loves his daughters, I haven't met his girls or any of his family!! I think that since his divorce isn't final, I am ok with that, However, when he goes to see his girls, it's like I don't hear from him, and when I do he is short tempered and very hateful! I'll text him and I get no answer for hours....like 6-8 hours, it almost makes me obsessive, and I don't want to be that way! It's only because I can't believe the sweet amazing guy I live with, is actually the guy I get a response from...one of his daughters is actually his step daughter, but you would never know it.....and he is genuine when he talks about them, I am so so excited to meet them someday, but he is so mysterious about his life in his hometown, I am certain that when he goes, he stays at his moms, this isn't a concern of him being faithful...it's a concern of the ugly wOrds and lack of attention he gives when he is there...it's like a separate life, and when he leaves to go see them I know I won't talk to him until he gets back and I miss him so much!!! My life is missing him, and it's like it doesn't even phase him that he leaves me!! I never would want for him to take away from the attention his girls deserve, I've talked to him about it, and he has said he needs to work on what hurts me, but then when he goes it just repeats itself again!! And his words get meaner and meaner!! He claims his x is an avid drug user and she drained him of all his money, and he doesn't want to rock the legal boat because he won't get his step daughter and his genetic daughter and her will be separated and his chances of seeing his oldest are slim to none!! What should I do?!! I love him so so much, but I'm so exhausted with the double life......I feel he loves me, but when he is goes to his hometown, I'm a nuisance, and it makes me crazy!! I don't even know who I am!! It's like a double life!!! I hurt so bad for him, he truly loves his girls and he is so emotional when he is around them!!! I am so ready to see him in his surroundings, but he calls me selfish because I wanna meet his family and be apart of his life!
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 July 2011):
 Does his family know that you are living together? Perhaps you've been kept a secret from his wife -- especially if he is going through a divorce. Sometimes, during a divorce, if a spouse is dating / living with another person, it puts additional strain on an already painful process because now the wife will want to extract revenge upon him because he's obviously moved on. Also, he may not want to have his children know he is cohabiting / dating at this stage and that is why he doesn't communicate with you while visiting his family.
While you may be in love with this man, it is time to start thinking about your role in his children's life. You potentially could be playing a stepmother role and if he acts this way with you around his children, it could spell out a very uncomfortable future.
Just to be sure, is your man really going through a divorce? Sometimes guys can string along women by saying they are divorcing but they are only separated. Just a thought.
But at this point, you deserve some answers from him and it sounds like there is something more going on -- especially if he gets defensive. While you may love this man, I hope you start looking at some of the red flags / warning signs and you go into this with open eyes.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2011): I'm assuming that if his children live in another town that he spends only a few days with them at most and that he's more often with you than with them. You're going to have find something more productive to do with yourself during his absence. His daughters are entitled to some time with their father without having to compete with you for his attention.If he is ill tempered and ill mannered with you during those visits all the more reason for you to make yourself scarce. When he is with his girls, leave him alone and let them all enjoy what time they have together. If he needs a bit of space upon his return, give it to him without fuss. And don't wait about pining for him. Find something to do. Get together with friends. Go to the cinema. Clean out your closet. Go for a walk. Something. Anything.Six months without meeting his children is not unusual. In fact it's prudent, especially if the separation from their mother is a messy one. Instead of pushing to be included in every sphere of his life, hang back and wait to be invited in gradually. Given the time, or lack thereof, that has passed since his last relatinship I think it is far too soon for him to be plunging into a new one. Someone in his position is not really available until everything has been sorted and the dust has settled. It's unfair to both of you. If you mean to continue with him then understand he has other things on his plate and cannot fully commit to you. And you be more frugal with what you offer him in the meantime.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (16 July 2011):
 He is probably having a very difficult time dealing with being away from his family, and the lack of control he has over the life of his kids. He is possibly, constantly worrying over their safety, if their mother is an 'avid drug user'. Money worries also would be a major burden. Maybe he just has too much going on in his life, to give much of himself to you at the moment. In time, things might get easier for him. Could it be, that by keeping you separated from his other life, he has a safe place to go, that isn't complicated? When you put pressure on him, it just get too much for him. All speculation on my part, of course. I would just give him some space for now, and not expect too much of him. Just be there for him if he needs you; thats if you want to be there for him. Good luck.xx
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