A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is kinda long, but I feel as though I need to explain. I have been with my boyfriend since december 2007. He is now 24, I am now 19. We became really close really fast. Everything has always been great. My dad loves him, my mom loves him, his mom loved me and I am close with his sibblings. In very early august his mom was put in the hospital. She was very sick and was previously always having back pain, which her doctor said was only a pinched nerve. After a couple days of her being in the hospital, my boyfriend was told by his aunt that his mom had bone cancer, probably the reason her spine became fractured a few weeks prior. One day while visiting her in the hospital, her doctor came in and was explaining to us and her that he wanted to run tests, etc... After his speech he pulled my boyfriend outside of the room for quite some time. My boyfriend came back in with a completely fake "everything is fine" attitude. He asked his little brother to stay in the room and took me out to tell me the doctors said she had between 3 months to a year left to live. Im going to skip ahead to the morning of Aug. 9. My boyfriend had spent the night at my house because it was closer to our work and he would be able to sleep in a little longer. We were woken up by a phone call from his aunt saying that his mom had gone into cardiac arrest and was on life support. Doctors didn't expect her to make it through the day. They also discovered she had 3-4 other types of cancer. He immediately left for the hospital in Long Beach. I went to work and was updated through texts from my boyfriend and my dad on how she was doing. She was getting worse. Ultimately I left work early to head down there and be with my boyfriend and his family. When I arrived my dad met me out front and said I need to brace myself for what I was about to see and that Kevin (my boyfriend)was not doing well and that I just needed to be there for him. His mom was unconscience hooked to machines, but doctors said she could hear us. Kevin had not let go of his moms hand all day, and was always talking to her. Later on that night she kept falling in and out of what I believe they called defibrilation but she kept pulling through. The first time it happened Kevin lost it and broke down crying saying "I change my mind, I change my mind! Try to save her! Don't let her go!" I guess he was left with the decision that if she went into defibrilation should we just let her go peacefully or try to shock her back to life. Kevin chose to let her go peacefully. Around 9:40pm Kevin hesitantly left the room to go to the bathroom. Around 9:45 the machines started going off again and I saw her eyes go back and I was telling people to go find Kevin. He wasn't in the bathroom and was nowhere to be found. I was holding her hand crying when she passed around 9:48. She was only 46. I was calling and texting Kevin and my dad who both were not in the room. They both came back around 9:52 and heard the news. Anyways, Kevin carries a lot of grief from this day because he feels as though he was responsible. He thought that his mom waited for him to leave the room so she could pass. So he feels that it's his fault and he never should have left the room. In a way, I feel that she waited for him to leave the room too, but obviously nobody does or should blame him. Also, we were talking about it last night, really for the first time, and he said that he feels responsible and he should have tried to save her, even though it could have had horrific consequences to her body and she may only have been a vegetable. He says that there was a very small chance she would have been fine, so what if she could have made it? I asked him "You don't think your mom would be mad at you or blame you for your decision do you?" and he said yes. Here is basically where my question starts, and its kind of hard to explain where I am coming from here. Ever since, he hasn't really been the same, which is completely understandable. And I may sound greedy here, but I feel as though I do not get enough of his attention anymore. He acts fine and never wants to talk about it so it makes me believe everything IS fine, kind of like nothing ever happened. He said he tries to forget it ever happened and he always feels like she is going to come back. He always cries about his mom, and when I hold him or ask him to talk to me about it he doesnt want to because it makes it too real for him. If I back off and leave him alone he feels I am not there for him. He always thinks about her but tries to be happy. He tries to stay positive. We try hard to support and be there for his 10 year old brother and 19 year old sister, who now live with their aunt. I am always helping out with them and telling him how he needs to steer them in the right direction because he hasn't a clue. When I say I do everything for him, I am not exaggerating. But it's always been that way. But he has started being a little meaner to me, and by that I mean rude. Not anything serious or bad. He is less patient with me, more annoyed with me. He knows he does it and he really is sorry for it. He isn't affectionate with me anymore. Especially not like he used to be. And he always has an excuse why. Either he isn't in the mood, he isn't a romantic type of guy, he is tired, too much on his mind... But last night I layed next to him because he was thinking about his mom and trying to hold back the tears and I told him its ok to cry. He needs to let it out after holding it in so long. But when I said that, he got mad saying I need to stop telling him to talk about it and that I dont understand. He told me about all of his feelings of regret and responsibility about his mom and just all this stuff that he has never told me before. I am very glad he told me but he told me with anger. He said "It's just so hard. You dont understand. I hope you never have to understand what its like. Her life was in my hands and everyday I cant stop thinking that I made the wrong decision. But I just cant be all lovey dovey like you want. It's not that I dont want to. I just cant." I get that. And all of my friends say "He is an ass hole, you dont need him, you can do better." But he isnt and im not going to leave him. Its ridculous and I am tired of hearing it. Thats why I am here. Pretty much, I just want to know what do I do? I mean, I feel really left out and attention deprived. But I understand my feelings kind of need to be put on hold for a while. But how long until he is pretty much back to normal? What else can I do to help him out? Any advise or solutions would be very helpful. Thank you very much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone, you have all been very helpful. but there really is no getting through to him. i have helped him so much and then when i talk about my feelings... he is just impossible. im just getting nowhere with him and really, there is only so much a person can take. i just dont know what to do. we fought this morning before work and when he finally showed up he stuffed money in my purse and walked away and ignored me. i guess he thinks its about money. i just dont get him. and i really dont know what else to do. but thanks again everybody.
A
female
reader, sdwwcc11 +, writes (20 October 2008):
Your friends probably have no idea what else to say about the situation, and that's all they can come up with. They don't understand that it's easier said than done. Your boyfriend is obviously grief stricken. It's good that you still do things for him, and still care for him like you do. He is going to realize that one day when he is past all of his feelings of regret and guilt, and he will be very thankful. But for now, just give him awhile, and be patient. Don't offer as much to talk about things with him or anything like that, as it makes him angry. Just let him grieve on his own terms. However, if he does open up to you, just let him know it's not his fault and that you will always be there for him. His behavior is for the most part, common for someone who is mourning the loss of a loved one. Although depression can get very ugly, so I'd say if he hasn't showed any improvement in the next month or so, both you and his other family members (if they agree) need to talk to him about seeing a counselor.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think he has told me he has dreamt of her. i tell him to talk to her and listen to her. and when he is having a hard time and is alone that if he talks she will listen because she loves him and he looks at me like i am crazy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso far everyones answers have helped me a little bit in their own way and i would love to keep hearing more of your views and opinions. i would like to add that his mother was his last surviving parent, his father died i believe 9-10 years ago. i have tried asking him about it before but he doesnt want to talk about it. he hates even hearing his dads name. and the last post i read mentioned he may get suicidal... that really scares me because he has mentioned before while crying about how much easier it would be if he could just jump in front of a truck or something, but he had said that months before his mom died over something completely different. i believe he may have mentioned it once within the past two months but a lot of it is a blur. but he has said that he just wants to feel his mothers presence, see her ghost or something just so he knows she is ok. but he hasnt, so he thinks she is mad at him. its kind of hard to explain, i dont know if that makes sense. he wishes he could see her and talk to her one last time, which i would want if i was in his position. these past two months have been extremely hard on him. bad luck just keeps coming his way, and he has called me at 1 in the morning saying i am his only friend and he does cry saying he wants to talk to his mom. dont get me wrong, he isnt a big cry baby or anything, but he has a soft spot for family and people he has close to him. he is a big guy, over 6 feet and muscular, he recently quit being a bouncer at a bar shortly before his mom died. so yea, he is a big guy and im sure it is hard for him to let his feelings out but when he does i am there, but he makes me feel in the wrong for being there. and when im not, again, i am at fault. i am just so confused.
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (19 October 2008):
 Your b/f has probably never had to deal with death before, much less someone so close and dear to him. He is also wrestling with his own immortality, even though he may not say it in so many words. When we lose someone close to us, we can't help but think about our own life and our own death. Your b/f may also be wondering if his mother's type of cancer could be hereitary. Couple that with the tremendous guilt he is feeling over her passing and that is one recipe for depression. This is pretty heavy stuff for someone to go through, especially at his young age. You are doing a great thing by being supportive and shutting out the opinions of your friends who are obviously too young and immature to recognize why your b/f's behavior has become sullen towards you. He has lost someone very close to him. It's common for someone to push the next closest person away too because if they chose to push you away, they are in control of that loss. But if that person suddenly dies too, then they are going to have to grieve all over again. I don't think your b/f is capable of handling all this stress and burden by himself. He needs to talk to your pastor or a licensed counselor to work through his grief so he doesn't fall into a much deeper (possibly suicidal) depression. Encourage him to get help, maybe even make him an appt. and offer to come with him (you'll have to wait outside while he meets with the therapist of course, because he'll be much more comfortable opening up when there's no one else there listening to every word).....Hang in there with him if you possibly can. It may take him 6 months or more to be back to normal so your love will need alot of patience if you're ever going to get through this. There may also come a time that he blames you (you were the one there, not him, maybe you should have summonded the Doctor to resusitate her) don't be alarmed if he accuses you, it's just a way for him to ease the burden of his own guilt but it is sometimes part of the grieving process. His mother is in a much better place now and I believe no one really leaves this earth before God is ready for them to go. Afterall it really isn't up to us anyhow. And no amount of resusitation changes God's will for a person's life, or their time here on earth. Once your b/f can accept that he was not at fault, the healing of his emotions will begin. I wish you the best.
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female
reader, porkchop.xo  +, writes (18 October 2008):
 That is horrible what happend, I'm so sorry to hear something like that. I understand that he is going through a hard time, and it looks to me like you are doing a lot for him. He may not want to talk about it, so maybe stop asking him to, just hold him and say you're there for him. When he is ready he will come to you. As for the attention thing, He probably will never be "back to normal" he lost his mother for goodness sakes! From my understanding it was about 2 months ago? someone doesn't just get over something like that so quickly. He is not an asshole from my understanding, but you need to tell him that you are just trying to help and you don't appreciate him getting angry with you. Also maybe take that anger as a sign he needs to be on his own and figure things out. You should suggest counselling maybe? He should not feel it was his fault, he did not give her that cancer, and it was not his choice to "save her" It is very sad that he feels it is his fault, you need to reassure him it's not and try to get him professional help with that. Good luck, I hope he feels better and you get that attention you deserve :)
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