A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and so have been together 10 years and married 8 of those years. We have an 11 month old and a 7 years old.So am I crazy or is he falling put of love with me? He hates his job and only has 1 week left before he changes jobs.For the past few weeks I have almost dreaded him coming home from work. He's always irritated and constantly criticizing me. He notices all the housework I haven't done rather than all the housework I slaved over during the day. I can't seem to make him happy with most anything I do. He isn't mean but sometimes becomes borderline mean in how he says things. He doesn't hug, hold and kiss me the same way he used to.After cooking dinner when I'm washing dishes, I will look over at him and see him smiling at his phone and playfully ask "what ya grinning about" hoping he'll share a funny story or funny post on facebook like he used to do. Instead he frowns and says "nothing" and squirms in his seat a little. I've actually witnessed him deleting text messages and whole text threads several times an I just bluntly say "Wow." and he quickly says "what???" and I just say "oh nothing..."When it comes to sex, it's always on his terms when he wants it (it's not important when I want it) and he's become quite selfish in the bedroom. His goal used to be to satisfy me. Now he gets what he wants and then he's finished and I'm left laying there with unmet "needs" (sex is usually pretty quick and usually He can only "finish" with his hand) He tells me he loves me and appreciates what I do but his actions just feel otherwise. I've come right out and said "I'm just not important any more." and like usual he was too busy looking at his phone to hear what I said.I'm really hoping it's just because of his job and he was recently sick too. I know he loves me, but I feel like he's no longer IN love with me. How do I get him to chase me again without pushing him away? How do I get him to worry about losing me?? I've been giving him extra space lately and no I am not a clingy wife. We text maybe a couple times during the day while he's at work and it's never much.
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (2 December 2017):
 I get where you´re coming from but giving him everything that he wants and expects won´t get you the admiration and respect that you want and deserve. In fact, you will only continue to be taken for granted, that´s the way I see it.
Looking at your age bracket, the two of you have been together through the part of life where most people are out there being young and having experiences... this is part of what´s wrong with him (I would think). I can imagine how it feels feeling as though you´ve missed out in a way although this is the life that both he and you chose. Look, this is part of why I think being married (too) young is a big issue and hence leads to the flame fizzling out that much quicker. You´re not out there hooking up and figuring yourself out before committing to something serious like marriage. You´re figuring out your life while juggling being married which makes sorting out your life that much harder.
I know a lot of people that got married young that said if they could go back, they would have waited at least five more years before tying the knot.
It´s easy to see how you´re somewhere where he isn´t since females grow up much more quicker than males do in a marriage or once a kid is born. That´s because you face ,head first, the responsibilities that come with being tied down e.g cooking, cleaning and tending to the kid/s.
Now, he is facing a lot of stress and resentment when it comes to the whole job thing and so he is acting out in a way. He may also be facing resentment when it comes to the family situation as well because he is probably feeling like he is being smothered and things just aren´t going how he´d like them to have been going at this point.
There is no way to force him to love and appreciate you, it has to come from him. You cannot force him to care about satisfying you sexually as he needs to be able to actually care from within himself. Other than that, you´re going to be nagging and irritating him to the point where he may even become meaner.
Look, I doubt that he wants to talk to you about this relationship or everything he is feeling but you can try to get him to open up about it but don´t be surprised if he shuts that down. Nonetheless, you need to bring it up and have a discussion about it. A serious conversation about it.
You should stand up for yourself and let him know how you feel because if you don´t, you will keep on being treated exactly how you´re currently being treated.
I would also recommend couples therapy should he be open to it (which he may not) but as I said, you also cannot force the issue. In which case, you may have to consider leaving. Look, that´s the less desirable option and surely it´s not what you would want to do but you need to decide what you´re willing to put up with and what you aren´t. Then, you need to tell him what those things are.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): Sorry, I meant to say:
"Wives get a pass to be clingy."
"It's the only thing that seems to make him smile; and he doesn't care to share it."
"He'll walkaway on you, if you start being a baby."
***If you want to get a man to quickly exit a room, suggest talking about your relationship!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2017): Wife's get a pass to be clingy. The benefit of marriage is being there for each other, and counting on each other to meet each partner's needs.
I think your husband is stressing over his job; which accounts for his glumness and irritability. A transition to anything new and unfamiliar is scary and a lot of pressure!
The phone-scenario gives me pause. It's the only that seems to make him smile; and he doesn't care to share it. Uh-huh! Alrighty then!
You don't have to give him space, seems he's already distant. Anymore space and he'll be orbiting the earth.
Young husbands tire of married-life with kids quite easily. It's a ton of responsibility to not just be accountible for himself; but having all those extra mouths to feed, clothe, and provide shelter for. That is a lot for a man in his 20's or early 30's.
You already have two kids, married since you were about 18 or 19. Young-marrieds do start to miss their single-life. Especially men. Both men and women start to long for just being a solo-act and selfish. Aimless and impetuous. It's what youth is all about!
No hanging-out carelessly with your buddies, no clubbing, and no late-nights out chasing random females. It's off to work everyday, home to the family, sleep, and off to work again. Regular daily-routine. Money is not yours to spend on yourself. You have to pay bills, and divide what's left on everyone else. Sometimes you have to sacrifice all your personal-desires for the needs of your family.
He may hate his old job, because he may have been pressured to leave. Which hurts the self-esteem, makes you feel emasculated, and makes one feel like a failure. He most likely was not performing up to the demands of his job, and the boss was constantly on his ass. Not to mention all the hassle, for less than a reasonable wage for all its demands.
Men try to fight emotions, and often display anger and aggression so not to look weak or vulnerable. Some turn to affairs, drinking, drugs, and some get very mean. It seems, from your description, he's working on all of the above.
If you bottle-up your feelings and frustrations, they find their way out through other kinds of behavior. Usually something negative or hurtful to others. Not that he doesn't love you or isn't in-love with you; but he's not happy with himself, or his own life.
If he had to do it over, he might have waited. He may not really feel this way to his very core; but because of leaving a job for uncertainty for a new one, is a lot of pressure and stress. Any lack of success on the last job, may cause some insecurity or uncertainty about the next one. You all depend on him. He can't fail.
Frustration and meanness will manifest itself in the bedroom. Taking-out his frustrations on you, even sometimes the kids, is a bad way of venting. It's immaturity, selfishness, and unfairly blaming everyone around you for the predicament you're in. Everyone has their choices, and shifting blame and taking it out on others is usually how younger-men sometimes behave in your husband's situation.
Turning to other women is often an outlet. Seeking ego-boosts through philandering and straying outside of the marriage is how some guys get around their frustration. They're seeking a pressure-valve, and they often do something out of character as a way to feel in-control. You and the kids represent everything holding him down; you're the heaviest burden on his mind. Having to provide and be a loving husband; when he would just love to just drop everything and run. Curl up in a ball, and drink himself into a coma.
Talking about it is what we'll all suggest; and that's what you have to do. Unfortunately; he will not want any discussion. He will avoid marital-drama; because it is yet another source of pressure and stress. He feels he has his own problems, and the last thing he wants to hear is your "nagging."
You're not nagging!!! You're alone, confused, upset, and you need to know what to do? What's with that phone? What are you supposed to do while he's going through all this?
You want to know what the hell is wrong with your husband, and why is he treating you like the enemy??? Yet he's being grouchy, takes sex like it's your obligation to give it up and shut-up; and acting like a total ass-hole! With no intention of discussing what's wrong with him, and what right does he have to treat you like that?
Feed the children early and get them to bed. Tell him you want to talk about the fate of your marriage. It's pretty serious and the secret-phone behavior is a very bad sign.
You know he wouldn't like you doing it, and you don't like it either. Stick to the issues at hand. Don't go-off on a tangent, cry, or get overcome with your emotion. Be an adult. He's walkaway on you, if you start being a baby.
Emphasize the fact that you're not stupid; and you're not going to stand for being treated like a bad-tenant, instead of his wife. You don't like his behavior, and if he won't sit-down for a talk; you will decide what to do on your own.
Also inform him (without tears and whining) that you aren't kidding around, and you want to talk about the marriage.
Grow a back-bone. You don't save a marriage being wishy-washy and beating around the bush. Let him know if the behavior continues without serious discussion; you will consider it might be possible he doesn't want to be married anymore. If you can't work it out; then he doesn't care if he's losing you. He has to see there are consequences and ultimatums. He has to know that you will leave him if things don't change. Just bear in-mind, he's changing jobs and he's stressed-out. The phone-stuff is unrelated.
You also have to learn that passive, submissive, and whiny behavior will not save your marriage.
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A
female
reader, kinggabbieee +, writes (1 December 2017):
Wow, I'm truly sorry to hear about what your going through. I've never been married, but I had a long term boyfriend who was the same way with me. I tried for a long time but I finally accepted that I did nothing to deserve the treatment and left. Obviously, your situation is more complex..What I would recommenced first is talking to him about everything. Especially if communication is strained. His job situation could have something to do with it, but in my honest opinion, its no excuse to treat your wife like crap.You shouldn't have to get your husband to chase you either. You clearly see him doing sneaky things like deleting text message out of his phone. Something is definitely going on with him and it needs to be addressed. And depending on his answer, you'll know if the marriage is worth saving or not. If he continues to be with way, I would suggest figuring out something that is best for you and your children. Life is too good to waste on being miserable with someone you love.Hope that helps.
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