A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend left a few weeks ago to study at the army’s university for four years until he finishes his course and begins a full time job as an officer. I spent the last couple of years of my life by his side day in day out without ever spending more than a week apart. I know that I am quite young but I’m sure that the love I have for him is honest. So now that he’s gone and my family has moved from where I schooled and grew up, I find myself mostly alone and realising that the few scarce but dear friends I had are now to far to see as regularly as I used to, including my boyfriend who I will not get to see in person for six months when he is granted his first leave for Easter. I write letters for him and wait as he is not yet permitted to regularly use his phone. I’ve had one call with him where he was strickly permitted 10 minutes of call time. Hopefully he will be able to use his phone more regularly after the initiall training period. I’m not entirely confident in believing that I will not cave under the pressure of his new military life, I miss him dearly and often stare into space daydreaming, and pondering over the fact that things can never be as easy as they used to be. I lay alone at night and miss his body close to mine, his tenedencies and habits too. I know that giving up is simply not an option so I just try to stay progressive and do at least one beneficial thing a day, like little things we had promised I’d do after he’s gone and bigger things that must be done. He was always the positivity to my pessimism so now I just try to adapt myself to the change. I’m honestly a little lost and worrisome and I have fears about caving and losing all productivity, and of course losing my connection with him and my friends.Some advice would be aprcieated whole heartedly thank you :)
View related questions:
military, period, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): I left-out something very important. Over my uncle's lifelong service that spanned 40 years; he and his family were transferred dozens of times. His kids had to change schools, leaving their friends behind. His wife had to leave her parents and family behind; but fortunately, they liked to travel. So they didn't mind traveling wherever they were in the world. Some are less fortunate, and can't afford to do that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2019): I really think it is important that I respond to this post; because you are at a very young and tender age. You, like many young women in your age-group; may get far too carried-away and consumed within your relationships. You lose your identity, forgo all ambition, and center your lives around a guy; and your perceived unrelenting-love for him.
He took on a life and career that will keep him traveling; and will often deploy him to remote places where he will have very little contact with you, and his family.
I read your post carefully; and you go a little beyond the healthy emotion of missing him. You mentioned you're not confident you won't cave under pressure. That means you're in-love with the notion of being in-love; and still viewing it from an immature stand-point. You will not survive; if you develop a fairy-tale-notion of love. Daydreaming, pining, and lost in fantasy. Try to pull yourself together, my dear!
You should be seeking your education and preparing yourself for life. You are presuming this is your one and only; but he didn't choose a career that would keep him stationary. Just the opposite; so you need to prepare yourself for whatever comes. Not sit around pining for him!
You must now make new friends wherever you may be. You should make yourself useful; and be helpful to others in the idle-time you have. If you were older, you might have the maturity and emotional-strength to deal with the strain of his absence; but young-love is often filled with fantasy, and bordering on obsession. Young women forget they have to maintain a life of their own; and not completely be absorbed into their romantic-attachments to men.
Now is the time you should be gaining your independence; and learning to support yourself. In the event you could become an officer's wife; you will find yourself running a household and possibly raising kids all by-yourself. Those unprepared to endure that sacrifice will fail. My uncle was a colonel in the US Air Force, and he inspired me to join. He was commander of a small base, that had no family-housing facilities; only living quarters and facilities for officers, servicemen, pilots, and airmen. My aunt was pregnant when he deployed for duty; and his son was nearly two years old by the time he was able to see him.
They often had to seek family-counseling, but they made it. He got to choose his assignments when the tour was up, and that saved his marriage. He was rigid and tough on his son; who is now a military chaplain. He and his wife adopted two German children while stationed there. So she had three boys she raised alone when he traveled on tour of duty.
I will not presume to tell you how to feel. When I was in the military, it felt good to know my loved-ones held-out and waited for me. However, I didn't want anybody miserable or grieving for me.
I had to concentrate on my training; and my contact was limited. It was intense!!! Sometimes they were not allowed to know where I was; or when I would be returning. They went-on with life as usual; and accepted the fact that serving my country was my duty, and they were willing to make the sacrifice. They all missed me, but continued to be happy and prosperous in my absence. It pleased me to know that. I got updates of what was going on back-home; and they never upset me with sorrowful or miserable letters that made me worry. I did miss them terribly and felt very sad at times. I got homesick. I was a medical corpsman; so I tended to injured and sick soldiers. So I had to stay focused; I couldn't make mistakes.
You must develop strength. Military-life is tough on marriages; so any relationship less than that, may not survive the stress. Those who become officers are not just going to serve a limited tour and be discharged. They often make military service a lifelong career. So be prepared.
Reality-check. He will get lonely. He will meet many women along his travels. Being so young, remaining devoted and faithful will be very difficult. I can't tell you he won't be faithful to you. The reality is, he will be away so long; he will have to create a whole separate life from his civilian-life. If you are so stressed in his absence; then maybe you're too young to handle this.
You should continue to stay busy. You need to get a good education and work towards your own career and success. You should be making new friends and seeking your own rewards; not depending on any man to provide you everything you need.
If you choose to wait; it will have to be done with grace, strength, and dignity. Not in grief and misery.
Don't be a lonely sea captain's widow; up in a tower staring out at the sea in grief. Have a life and pursue your happiness, whether he is in it or not. He would be better-off knowing you can handle the wait. You'll never stop missing each other; you just have to be able to maintain your joy and progress during the time apart.
I am wishing you the very best!
...............................
A
female
reader, Sweet Dreamer xxx  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 About five years ago I was exactly in the same position as you are now, my partner at the time joined the military and I couldn't imagine how my life would go without him, we'd see each other every day and spend most nights together. To top off the situation my parents moved away from my home town and I struggled to deal with feeling alone and far away from my friends. However, that move changed my life around, it helped me put my life into perspective and helped me enhance my life in general. I created new friends that pushed me to do well, I created hobbies to do in my spare time, went back into full time education which pushed me further to go to university and I got a job to feel more part of the community and to save up ready to see my partner when the opportunity arose.I agree with honey pie, use this time to help develop yourself, you may learn something new about yourself and what you want. Don't sit around waiting for him. For one, the time will last longer and two you'll only feel more dependent on him when you do see him or when he calls, that is not living, that is only surviving! You are only young, this is your time to discover who you are and do young fun things that you might not get to do together or when you're older. People only get to discover themselves once the relationships is over, this time apart may be a blessing, plus when he does call you'll have all these fun things you can talk about or show him when you do see him. Don't forget to think of plans together for when he gets out, that way you both have something to look forward too and work on, be that a holiday or just a fun day out, this helped me get through the times when I did have time to think and really miss him. With regards to you losing a connection with him, this is based on how you both work on the relationship, but include him in your letters, tell him what you have done and that the little things made you miss him but made you happy to think about him. The same goes with your friends, make weekly arrangements to call, whenever you can go and see them and make arrangements for them to see you.I know it may seem hopeless now, but it will all be worth it. Good luck to the future.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (7 February 2019):
 I was going to say the exact same thing as Honeypie. You need to do your own thing and further yourself because you’re at the prime stage to do that, especially with him away. If you look back in 4 years and find minimal progression on your end, you’ll have wasted that time - especially if you don’t stay together. You can’t be dependent on him for your happiness.
It will be hard, but you need to work on yourself and become your own person with goals and development. People lose interest in others who make little progress in large spans of time, but it also leaves you vulnerable to being somewhat helpless without him and that’s not good for either of you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 February 2019):
 First of all, Easter is only 2 months away, not 6.
Second of all, YOU need to work on yourself JUST as HE is working on HIMSELF and HIS career options.
Yes, you are young. But that could also mean that you are more adaptable than someone much older than you.
If all you do is "daydream" while he is gone, then you need to get your heard out of the clouds. An no, as you grow older you will find that things are RARELY as easy as they used to be, THAT is part of being an ADULT.
Right now he has a LOT on his plate and will do for the next 4 years. YOU need to work on your independence as well. If you hope for a future as his wife/partner you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. He will see training, schooling and probably deployments in his future career and having a partner (you) that can't handle that... is not beneficial for HIM OR your.
So, what do YOU want to do with YOUR life? Other than put it on hold until he is done at school? What IF you two don't work out? Then you have sat and wasting for a future that will not happen.
Set yourself some goals for your OWN career. Be it further schooling, apprentice ship, internship etc. You need to be able to be an independent person if you want hopes to make it work as a military wife. Why do I say that? Well, I was an ARMY wife for over 15 years. My husband was gone A LOT.
You want to cling on to all the hopes and fantasies you two talked about doing, and that is OK. But you have to be able to deal with REALITY and what WILL happen, not focus on what was "promised" between two young people.
Get busy. Day dreaming won't do you any good.
When you write him letters BE positive, be upbeat. SHOW him that you CAN handle him being gone. It will make it a million times easier for him to do what HE needs to do.
And then work on making YOUR life positive and productive while he is away. Not just sit on the shelf feeling sorry for yourself waiting for him to come home.
...............................
|
