A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell into being involved a year ago with a good friend / band member. We were terrifically happy with one issue - I was still attached to a guy who had been deployed. I told my friend that leaving the other guy would be the hardest decision of my life. I was depressed over it this summer and he was sick and had lost sexual interest but we still seemed very content and happy with each other. Around a month ago we had a talk which made it sound as if he loved me and wanted to be with me if I gave up the other guy. So I told him the truth - that I love him, and I wanted to be with him only. All of a sudden he seemed to disappear from my life. We finally reconnected last week and he told me there is another woman interested in him (and listing him on Facebook as her boyfriend) and he wanted to back off and take our relationship one day at a time and didn't know what he wants. He said he loves me but doesn't know if he could be in a relationship with me because I was depressed all summer and didn't know what to do. I explained that I was sad because it was hard to let go of the other guy, and now I have, and I really love him, have loved him the whole time and do not need to be sad any more. I didn't beg or plead, just told him how much I've been in love with him and what he meant to me. He said he felt worried that He promised to be better to me, and we agreed and for us not to be sexually involved unless it is something we both really want, and will see where our friendship develops. This is all good, but the other woman is leaving him tons of messages about seeing him (he's not responding) and I have no idea what to believe. He has not really contacted me since we talked but he has a very demanding job. I am leaving today for a overseas vacation I cannot cancel and I am terrified she is going to move in on him while I am gone! What can I do, and what can I do to "get him back" if he leaves? He has a tendency to go head over heels for aggressive women and not see reality, and he has always been the one left for someone else. So what do I do? Either while I am gone, or if I lose him to her? We play music together and if I lose him I lose my musical future. Please help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSecond update - the girl just posted more mushy photos of her kissing his cheek last night all over Facebook. Usually the only people who are so blatant about that when a relationship situation is unclear are people with something to prove or to feel like they need to "win" someone. They're both 23, and I'm 26.
He knew her briefly in high school and they ran into each other a few weeks ago.
So I left a nice little voicemail and texted the truth - that I want my future to be music, not graduate school as I had planned, I was an idiot to not realise that a year ago, I'm looking forward to to starting again, and that I love him and I'll see him when I get home.
So no matter what woman he wants, he can't deal with the situation, and I deserve either another chance as he promised, or an answer about his feelings in person as he promised. Either way he absolutely needs to DEAL WITH THIS. He's the one who said a few nights ago that if we resume a sexual relationship that it will be because we both really, really want it and want to be together, and we deserve to try again, and he kept his promise to call me the next day.
If I text and say "IT'S OVER" that makes it way too easy for him to avoid the situation (esp considering he's not picking up the phone). He promised to never, ever leave me without a trace like the long-distance guys did, so I am going to be as nice as possible.
I feel horrible - I've lost both men that I have loved for years, have an awful job, home life, and feel like I've lost the best chance I have for a musical future... and I'm going away for a week on a trip I no longer need to take, and there's nothing I can do about it but watch this girl move in on him.
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Oldersister - I have only always had long distance relationships. This guy and I share absolutely everything in our lives in common, music, passions, games, etc so it is impossible to NOT be reminded of him, and I don't know how to go out dealing with a real life one, especially when we will most likely see each other in the future, I often have to stop by where he works for other reasons...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate already! I forgot to mention that the Army Guy was not my boyfriend, but I loved him for 5 years, and I realised recently he wanted me more for sex than anything else, and my musician friend loved me for REAL. We were both too shy to realise it. He said he is worried that he messed up the best friendship/relationship he ever had by not telling me he had relationship concerns earlier. He needs to see that I am happy again because I chose him, but I'm worried this girl is moving in so fast that he won't even give us another real chance since I won't be around to show him I've changed. I fear he'll just never contact me again.
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