| A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes: About 4 months ago, a new family moved in across the street from me and the mother seemed to be struggling moving boxes into her house so I went over to both help her and welcome her into the neighborhood. I met her and her 3 children and they all are a very nice family. I was only there for around 10 mins but she did explain to me she went through a horrible divorce and has been a single mother for some time. I told her I was sorry she was going through a hard time and to stop over if she ever needed. Well a few days later she had come over to ask me if I could go over and help jump her car and I didn't have a problem with that so I did it. Later she said she was still having car problems and asked if I could please ride her to the store to get food. Again I barely know this woman and felt a little uncomfortable riding her somewhere but I wanted to be nice and do her a favor. About a week after that her 2 young teenage boys had knocked on my door and had asked if I had any leftover food to give them as their mother was at work and wouldn't be home til much later and they didn't really have any meals at home to eat. I felt a little sorry for them and I did have left overs from supper the previous night so I wrapped it in foil and gave it to them. They just come home from school so I know the kids are probably hungry. They again about 4 days later asked for food again. The next morning I went over and asked the woman nicely if everything was okay and if her kids have food and explained they had come over a couple times asking for some food. She was very apologetic and didn't know her kids had done that and told me she has just been so busy lately but she would start making more food and that her kids just eat a lot and that it wouldn't happen again. I told her there was no need to be sorry. Now I honestly don't mind helping a neighbor out sometimes but this family is over my house at least once or twice a week needing a favor. Like the other night the mother came knocking on my door at 10:30 PM waking me up asking to use my phone as she had to make a very important call to her mom and her phone was not working. I understand it was an important call but I am someone who is in bed by 9 PM and had to be at work very early for a meeting. Last night her 1 teenage boy and his friend came over around 9 PM asking if I could go out near the ditch on the side of their house to help get his bike out as it was stuck. I told him I'm sorry but it's dark out and I'm not sure if I would be much help and that I would help them the following day when it's light out. I really wasn't comfortable with this favor and found it a little creepy. I'm really not one to say no to people in need but I'm starting to not really like this. I mean the few times I drove the mother to get things she didn't give me any gas money, and I'm not comfortable with them knocking on my door at night. What should I do? I don't want to seem mean but I feel they are kind of asking too much from me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2015): you should stop answering the door if its dark outside (7pm-till morning) if you met them the next day tell them you already asleep or went somewhere with friends, but you can help them if its noon, and also maybe they expect too much from you or taking advantage from you, its kinda odd to ask someone to help his bike since you're a women. i would not open the door if its late night
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2015): I think everyone's quite rightly saying the same gist here; she's taking advantage. But I thought it worth pointing out that you shouldn't feel in any obligation to 'help out a friend' here. Nothing of what you have said has suggested that she is interested in a friendship with you. All she has ever done is take, take, take. She is using you. She has nothing to 're-pay' any of these begged favours. she has not even shown the care to make sure that she doesn't disturb you too late after she woke you up the first time- she must have realised!. She has not even (behind the scenes) instlled in her children that THEY should not beg favours of you behind her back or late at night. I agree with the previous poster that it's clear that you were saving the leftovers for yourself. They were not 'spare'. And at the point when someone is not only taking advantage from an uncomfortably close location but are also not preventing 'creepy' begging for help from her children late at night... I think you need to make a very definite step back.I would NOT be offering any lifts and food to this woman even once in a blue moon after the way she has USED you. It upsets me that someone would take advantage of your kind nature to the extent that she has actually done emotional harm to the kind person who has helped her. It is far better that you take a step away before it stops you from ever being able to enjoy helping anyone ELSE more deserving in the future; only because she has soiled your positive outlook.So PLEASE don't feel guilty about saying no to this woman (with all the wondrful polite responces the popsters here have suggested) because she has wronged you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): Anon female she was obviously keeping the leftovers to eat herself for another night!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): This can only develop into bigger requests and although it is nice to help neighbours, you must set boundaries. The food issue is strange, if you have left overs you could just pop it round, hate to see food go to waste when people are hungry. Everything should really be on your terms, time for visits, maybe if you want to offer a supermarket trip once in a blue moon, but at your convenience not her's. Telephone only for absolute emergencies be very firm or you will find it is constant. Getting you outside in the dark is something that is a little odd, could they have a 'sneak' friend going into your house to steal, while you are outside? watch out for these tactics with teenagers.Be firm 'Favours' at your convenience not her's. You are not hear to people please BOUNDARIES and stick to them.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 they are asking far too much of you.
Some people are takers, and some people are very giving.
The former never respect the latter, they just use, use, and use again.
The cut off point is 7pm or when it is dark, whichever is earlier for any visit, no visits at weekends before 10am. At the cut off point you do not answer the door.
And if they knock before that cut off point then speak to them through the mesh security screen door but do not ask them in. Investigate mesh security screen doors if you've never checked them out.
After that she can ask another neighbor - my guess is that this new family see you as a pushover and that the teenagers have been encouraged to lean on you as you are so nice and do not know how to say no.
The boys could both get after school jobs and help their mother that way. Or learn to cook.
You did the right thing by refusing to go out in the dark over the bike.
I am sorry to have to say this but have you ever considered that they could even be interested to see what you might have inside your home that could be sold on by them? After all you don't really know much about their background yet.
Keep your keys close and lock up your car after every trip. Make sure all your windows and doors and any basement area access point are all well locked up when you go out. strong Metal basement access doors are preferable to wooden ones.
Definitely be less accommodating and far less obliging.
If you keep on being so obliging then you will be feeding the whole family each night due to some incredible emergency that has just happened, each time.
No to the phone as well.
She never even offered gas money. She sounds like a real user of others.
Learn to say, "it's not convenient right now" or "it's not one of my priorities" and never add the word "sorry" as I think they may assume that your "no" is not serious if you also add a "sorry".
Do not be sorry. You are a lady who works and has her own priorities. You are not here to be used and abused and they should not be attempting to take advantage in this way.
If there is a charity that helps single Moms in your area then alert them to the fact that they may like to introduce their organisation to this lady and offer her some temporary assistance.
Get to know all the other neighbors near you, as they nay also be being targeted for assistance on the days you are not being asked. Soon everyone will be sick of the family trying to take advantage.
But if you keep on offering help they will keep on taking to the point where they will just see you as another resource they can use.
The mother of these children is expecting far too much of you. I suspect she has done this many times before in the past. They children seen very confident about asking for all manner of help.
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A
female
reader, 2422 +, writes (24 September 2015):
I find that her teenage boys coming over as much as they do is very creepy. I would not answer the door if they came over at night, maybe you should make his mom aware? Either way, that family is taking advantage of your kindness and I feel as though the responsibility of being a parent has been put on your shoulders. Setting boundaries is a must. If the boundaries are not enough then it is ok to be upfront and honest about how you feel. You cannot control how their mom will react. If she becomes upset or is not understanding then she was definitely taking advantage and it was more than just her struggling to get on her feet. That is not your responsibility.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 I would do as follows: give her a printout of your schedule and ask her to try to fit her ride requests to coincide with your normal routine so as to not have to overlap your life with her needs. She may get the message and get her car fixed. In the meantime the do unto others rule and rest easy knowing you are helping a neighbor out.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 September 2015):
 Yikes!
Sounds like you are a VERY nice lady, and that the woman doesn't really have much of a safety network yet.
I get that she might have been through a horrible divorce, but you don't OWE her anything. I think it's nice to help out others, but some people take a mile if you give them an inch.
We had a neighbor while stationed in Germany who had a little boy maybe 2- 2 1/2 and a few times I watched him so she could go get her driving permit/license. She supposedly failed 5 times so I was watching him those 5 times - only to find out she didn't fail 5 times only once - she just used me as a free babysitter the other 3 times. IF she had asked I probably have said yes, but someone taking advantage? Oh heck no! they get no help ever again.
I'd tell the mom that you work early so don't come over after 7:00 - 8:00 pm (or whatever time YOU feel is suitable) - her TEENAGE boy should know how to cook a few things, SERIOUSLY and there is always Ramin noodles. I know it's probably not the most nutritious meal, but it will hold over a few kids.
Decline to help out a few times (it DOESN'T make you mean). The mom will understand that you are NOT responsible for getting her back on her feet, SHE is.
If you have gone to bed at 8:00 pm because you have to get up early - don't answer the door. (even if they wake you up) I'm guessing there are other neighbors they can ask as well.
Set some boundaries. If that means saying NO a few times, for the family to get it... that IS OK! If you are not comfortable doing all these favors, saying: "NO, I can't" is totally fine.
And like Auntie BimBim said, you can say it in a nicer way, than just no! I like her version of - I'm sorry I can't take you to the store - I'm on a budget myself and the gas cost is adding up.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2015):
 Wow... amazing.
I would let them know that visits after 7 pm are not acceptable.
In addition, to still be wonderful and helpful you can offer to give her a lift WHEN you are going anyway.
I have asked my neighbors often "I'm heading to the store do you need anything?" just don't lay out the money for it....
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (24 September 2015):
 You can let the mother politely and gently that you are normally in bed and calls and knocks on the door after 8:30pm disrupt your sleep patterns so you would appreciate them not coming over at night. If they knock you can ignore it.
Next time they come to ask for food or other assistance you can say something simple like "oh, I am struggling a bit myself this week, lots of bills came in"
And when she asks if you will drive her shopping its much the same thing, I need to conserve my gas as I am already over budget this month.
They should get the hint after a few weeks of "no"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2015): STOP ANSWERING THE DOOR!!
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