A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I had sex with one of my flatmates after a drunken Halloween party last month and I fear it’s destroyed our friendship. I’m 20, she’s 21. We live in a halls of residence flat at university with 4 other students, and are in our second year. We’ve always got on the second we met in first year freshers, but just as friends. I saw her more as a sister than a potential girlfriend. She’s always been a bit of a tomboy and not a typical girly girl. She enjoys a can of lager and a game of FIFA and would probably beat me if we had an arm wrestle.On the night in question we’d all been to a Halloween party at one of our neighbours’ flats and as you might expect the booze was flowing. Normally I’m up for partying all night but just didn’t feel like it for some reason that night. So I left and went back to our flat at about midnight after a couple of cans and everybody else stayed. Later that night when I was in bed everybody else stumbled back in and started play-fighting with silly string which, as you can imagine got very rowdy. I wasn’t really bothered that they had woken me up, in fact I couldn’t help but laugh at their drunken antics. Then all of a sudden there was a bang on my door and my friend came rushing into my room. Again, this didn’t really bother me, we both went into each others’ rooms all the time to borrow stuff and just chat so it was normal. She said they were coming after her so I told her to hide under my bed. When the others came knocking I just ignored it until they went away.She then popped up from under the bed and stuck her head underneath the duvet, not realising I was fully naked. She quickly pulled her head back out and apologised, clearly very embarrassed even though the lights were off so she would have barely seen anything. But again, I didn’t mind. In fact one look at her in her skimpy vest and hot pants and I got turned on. I gently stroked her leg and told her not to worry, and all of a sudden we were kissing. She started pleasuring me and I peeled off her top. Next thing you know she dropped her pants, straddled me and we were having sex. It was good but only lasted a few minutes, I was so turned on I couldn’t stop myself climaxing too soon. We both fell asleep in each others’ arms but by the next morning she had gone. I texted her to see if she was OK but just got short, one-word answers. Clearly she regretted the whole thing. She was avoiding me like the plague. I asked if it was because we didn’t use a condom but she said she was on the pill so that wasn’t a problem. Despite having ‘clear the air’ talks our relationship just hasn’t been the same since. We don’t talk as much, we don’t go into each others’ rooms anymore. Basically we don’t feel comfortable around each other anymore. It’s just awkward now. Is there anything I can do to try and salvage our friendship? She’s a really great person and I don’t want to lose her over one spur of the moment mistake.Advice?
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condom, drunk, flatmate, kissing, neighbour, text, the pill, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): I agree with the comment that you need to establish some fresh memories of each other that aren't the sex.
It may require some planned activities & other people around to dodge the awkwardness for a while. Being alone with each other, nothing to occupy yourselves with, and that elephant in the room jamming things up, might just make it worse.
Be aware that she might have been harboring an attraction to you for a long time. That can make things troublesome. I assume you dont have that going for her or else you would have said something.
Watch out for the next time you each do sleep with (or date) someone else. That may be difficult for the other one too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2015): Sadly it may be too late for you both. I've heard many stories like this when friends somehow some way end up in bed together, and of course drink or drugs play their part. Despite you having tried to clear the air with her I can tell she is being distant and it's hardly surprising.Think of it this way: Before this happened if someone mentioned her name to you what would be the first thing you would think of? Probably a fun time you had together. But now when someone mentions her name I bet the first thing that comes to your mind is 'that night'. It will be exactly the same for her. 'That night we were stupid and I completely and utterly regretted'.The good thing is time is a healer: maybe in a month or two things will be better and you may even laugh about it one day. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't get her pregnant. I know it was a spur of the moment thing but not using a condom was a reckless thing to do. You can never bank on her being on the pill like that. Whatever happens make sure you wrap it up next time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 November 2015):
 I agree with YouWish
Take her advice to heart and follow through. And DO NOT - I repeat - NO NOT apologize over text. MAN up and do it in person.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 November 2015):
 She could be feeling a lot of things. I would NOT go to her and say "That was incredible" because there is a chance she's pissed at you. She may feel like you took advantage of her drunken state, or at least took advantage by not using protection.
I would tell her that you're sorry for not using it, and that you hope it didn't feel like you took advantage of a situation. Tell her that her friendship means so much more than some spontaneous sex, and that you hope it can continue. Tell her if she'd like, you both will never speak of it again.
You might want to back off after that apology for a few reasons: One, if she was really drunk/inebriated, the law says that she cannot legally consent to sex, so you must be careful, even if she was all over you from the start. Not to scare you, but in some instances (especially in universities when alcohol and hormones collide), weekend drunken sex has led to accusations of rape by women who felt taken advantage of. So word your apology carefully.
She may also have a boyfriend, which you might not have mentioned. THAT would really explain the awkwardness.
Talk to her in person. No more texting or avoiding the face to face conversation you need to have.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2015): I think you might have to say something like
"You were totally awesome the other night..but don't worry your secrets safe with me!"
She might feel that she
can laugh at the incident.
She might feel she just crossed a line and be feeling as wierd as you ..or she might want to say"I didn't lust after you all that time for just a five second quickie!"
Or maybe she already had an std and forgot to tell you.
Whatever it is she clearly does not want to be a couple.
She also doesn't want to talk about it.She wants to move on..
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